This has been a very difficult week. Last week, I posted that my AH crossed a new boundary - being real drunk in front of the kids, where they witnessed a lot of the negatives of the disease.  Although he admitted that night that he had been drinking, the next day he told them he was not drinking - it was the medication he was on. He could not admit it to our counselor either, and she told me later that this is beyond her skill set, and he/we need to find someone with expertise in substance abuse. Well, I have seen that for a long time and it has been very frustrating, but he has grown to trust her somewhat. Also he tells a pity story that he has "had 5 counselors" like he is some kind of martyr, so it's been hard to imagine him agreeing to go elsewhere.  She has been my life line, and today I am feeling lost, and also angry at her because she told me, but I don't think she has directly told him. 

Anyhow, I have spent the week experiencing great surges of emotion. Tidal waves, breaking down to several different friends, etc. I see the denial so clearly, and I don't see enough to work with right now. I think my stage of living in separate homes but trying to stay married and be a family is coming to an end. I think I need to legally separate from this situation that has not gotten better.

However, today is Easter. I am at a  loss on how to do these "family" holidays differently in a way that feels fun.  We were all invited to a potluck brunch/egg hunt later this morning, and the hostess made a point of saying that my AH was invited too.  He goes to church somewhat regularly, and that is important to him. I said I would go with him and the boys this morning.  The older son stayed at my house last night. He had gone on a big skiing adventure during the day, and we stayed up later than we should have, watching half a movie we have been wanting to watch together. The younger son was at a sleepover, and arrived home in time to get ready for church. Well, our older son woke up with a terrible headache - the kind that is sensitive to light. He would not get out of bed. My AH arrived just in time to pick us all up for church (not earlier, to help, as I had asked).  I told him to be quiet, but he went into our older son's room, and was booming at him to get up for church. Then I tried too, and suddenly we were bickering in our son's room, in loud voices... it was all my fault, according to him,because older son stayed with me last night. I do feel guilty that we did not get to bed earlier, knowing that church was on the horizon. Who knows if he would have awakened without a headache if he had gone to bed earlier? Anyhow, he did not go to church. I stayed home with him as my AH kept texting me to come.  My son went to a bad place, saying he had wrecked Easter. I felt conflicted between over my responses and actions. I feel kind of sick right now about the emotional baggage this morning started with... AH gives me a lot of guilt and grief for not going to his church as it is. However, I feel clearer and clearer... I do not resonate with it, and here I am trying to make the motions of being a family, doing things that are fake for me... acting like a happy cohesive family, going to a church I do not believe in, etc.  I just don't know what else to do for my kids - but this isn't working out anyways.

I am trying to steel myself for all the negatives that may surround today, where the external picture and internal picture are so very different. Where my AH is in such denial about what is really going on, and his part in it.  It's all very sad.

I'm thankful for this board, and being able to come here to share my sad heart, as well as take comfort in shared community and purpose.