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Yesterday was my oldest son's birthday - he turned 24. He's got two little ones, works and goes to school. This is the son who relapsed but is in recovery, sort of....he goes to meetings but suggests he doesn't have time, blah, blah, blah!
So for the last 2 weeks (really that last 10 years), I've been trying to understand what he wants to do for his birthday. Finally, he suggested to me that he had to work and then he had to do homework. I offered to bring him lunch to his place of work, and got no response, and since it's a new job, and I don't know where it is.
Imagine my surprise when I got a voicemail at 4:30pm from his future MIL asking if I wanted to come over for a steak dinner and cake for my son's birthday....this is the same future MIL that threw a surprise birthday party for my son's 21st birthday and did not invite us. She's not malicious - just clueless. Of course, her perspective of the broken relationship between my son and I would be based on his input.
Well - I called my son to understand and he basically blew up at me. So, I called her to decline and suggested I had made other plans since my son told me he had to work and needed to do homework when I tried to schedule something (which was true). I can't even remember what she said in return, but something to the effect that she was surprised I made other plans on my son's birthday. I kind of came uncorked.....and suggested that my decision was based on my son's input and I didn't know there was to be a celebration at her home. Not as calmly as I said here, needless to say, she ended up saying that she doesn't know what to say.
Of course, this woman assumes I sit around with no plans and insists all holidays and special events happen at her house. That's fine - it's not her job to teach my son that most young couples split time between families for holidays. She is gracious enough to try and include me, even though I have told her over and over again that I've spent my holidays doing the same thing since birth. We schedule our events so everyone can do their own thing in the AM or the night before and then gather after 2pm for a meal between 3-4. There are 50 of us and 4 of them....
So, I am hurt and again feel dismissed and used. I set a boundary with my son that if he needed my help with the boys, he needed to give me notice. I've been very good about saying No when I have other plans and watched the boys Friday for 5 hours. No thank you and then this on Saturday. As we know in this program, actions speak louder than words - and for me, his actions tell me that I am a pawn in his life game.
I have sent a message to the future MIL apologizing for my outburst. I am still processing the balance of the event looking to understand my part of it. I feel very dismissed and like an outsider looking in, and it doesn't feel good....and my heart hurts. It surely seems to me that my son wants me at arm's length for his life, which I can accept. But then, he dangles carrots in front of me and yanks the line when I begin to think we are rebuilding.
ESH, Prayers and Anything else you got is very welcome! I feel a bit unworthy this morning, and need my family here to lift me up! Happy Easter to One and All! (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
((Iam))) This is indeed a dreadful disease and I can understand your pain. One Holiday Season my son told me "I was Ancient History" and his "new family ' had plans that he would honor.
That was indeed painful but also my wake up call. I processed all my interactions with him and then I made the decision that I could love him without any expectations and I did. It worked well and I was there and with him at the end where it counted most.
Prayers and posiitive thoughts on the way
-- Edited by Iamhere on Sunday 31st of January 2021 11:41:34 AM
(((Hugs))) ... I am glad you made it to the board to share. It is hard going through the emotions. I hope you have a good day and take care of yourself.
Hugs. If it helps, I felt angry for a moment on your behalf. It sounds really upsetting. You're good to have apologised; not sure I could have.
I hope you've managed to have an alright day anyway.
More hugs!!!
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
I have no ESH, but lots of empathy - my heart hurts for you. Like someone above said, it is the disease. I do believe you can process your part til the cows come home, but you are dealing with a disease that hops somewhere else whenever you think you've found a way to work with it. Sending you much love and continued courage on this Easter.
Thanks Family.....you ESH & support means more to me than you probably know! I was set to go to a meeting this morning and it's snowing here - (snow on Easter? God is having a practical joke day!!) - so I opted to stay home and not deal with slick streets. I am blessed to have others who understand and talk me through the emotions when things happen that appear mind-boggling. I spent an hour on the phone with a trusted program friend and feel a bit better.
I go to extended family celebration in about 3 hours. I'm turning this all over to God and letting him lead me as I'm still a bit defeated. MissMel - you gave me a chuckle.....I waffled back and forth on amends and decided it was necessary. While she and I are very different and I would never plan a party for another's child without a discussion, she's doing what she thinks is right based on what she's got. I have no doubt my son has painted a picture of horrible parents, horrible childhood, etc. He's always been very dramatic and still looks beyond himself for cause/effect. I am hopeful it's a lack of maturity vs. a lack or morality, but time will tell. So, I felt it was absolutely necessary to clean up my side of the street....not at all a 'want to do' but felt a 'need to do'...
I am a peaceful loving person. I no longer even know how to do the opposite. A part of me is blessed that I have chosen a better way or living, and then another part of me feels as if living life with love and program is too passive for this disease. Can you tell I am still processing?
(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
A very difficult situation for you. Our children seem to know or maybe they don't ? just how to really hit us where it hurts the most. His weapon of power seems to be rejection. You did awesome for yourself by trying to express to him your confusion. Whether he liked it or not is his problem really. Your apology to future oblivious MIL set you free. Good work. Hugs to you.
If I have this right Iamhere, he has an active A father and sober mother. Sounds like he is somewhere in the middle and is maybe avoiding you guys because both extremes are there in your home. Also, the future MIL sounds like an enabling coda type and your son is probably digging being loved to pieces with no boundaries in place.
Hey PC - yes....that's what he grew up - an active father and a sober mother. My AH has slowed way down - maybe even stopped since 2 heart attacks, 3 stents & triple bypass surgery. He is not active in any recovery though....Also I agree with your assessment of the MIL & my son's reaction to her.
On the lighter side, the MIL recently met & married (4th husband) a very rich guy. He has no children and loves to flaunt and spend his money. We now refer to him as my son's sugar daddy... Between them both, my son has it made to never have to grow up or even consider his FOO I suppose. Still makes me sad even if I can see what's contributing to the drama.
Thanks serenity....I appreciate the support and share!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Iamhere you're going to get thru this if you haven't already. You have the progress and understand we will never have the perfection...GOOD ON YOU!! I feel confidence when I read your shares...keep on keeping on...you and your HP have got this. ((((hugs))))
Thanks Jerry! I know (through my faith and the experience of others who came before me) that I'll get through this. I honestly just don't like how complicated this disease makes things. Love should be simple, easy, kind, hard at times but unconditional. In my life with my qualifiers, it is hard, messy, painful and feels conditional. What I want is not nearly as important as what I need - got that in my head, but my heart at times wants what the heart wants.
I don't ask for much really. Just a level of respect - gave up on honor a long time ago. It sounds like a small price for a child to pay for his mother.
I appreciate all the support - I must always remember that at times, it's one step forward, and one/two steps back and then we grow again.
(((Hugs))) to all!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I hope you have picked yourself up again, and feeling better IAH. Your son seems to still be immature, and effected by arrested development. Sadly my son is 30 and still very immature. I have no expectations of my son anymore, that way Iam not vulnerable anymore. Yes it's sad, but I don't want to be around someone who doesn't want to keep company with me, even if I am his mother, you can pick your friends but you can't pick your kids! The whole relationship is in Gods hands. You call her clueless, I used to call my mil an airhead, God rest her soul, she meant well.
LinSC - I got a chuckle out of airhead......thanks for that - and you are proper in the summary - she means well and there is nothing mean in her efforts! I am in a much better spot today - a more hopeful outlook/attitude and less sadness! Thank you for your support - (((Hugs))).
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
That would hurt. The mothers heart has got to be the most Incredible material I know, stretches, absorbs, withstands, radiates...glad you are feeling better. (((Iam)))
-- Edited by Iamhere on Sunday 31st of January 2021 11:41:50 AM
My 23 year old son would do the same stuff to me. He even went a whole 6 months calling me by my first name. I was pretty much attacked by his gf mother at a graduation dinner that I was last minute invited to, that he might be further a long in life if I wasn't so weak. That bothered me for days. I have always been the demon when the story fits his purpose to gain sympathy. Now that he is living with his father and the never ending drama over there, he realized he never had it so good. Chin up (Hugs)
Thanks all.....He is 100% his father's son in that any admission of wrong won't happen. I at least know this much so it's a case of needing to let Go, let God and forgiving without any apology. His baby momma did make a wonderful (Paula Deen) Banana pudding for Easter desert! She is young and just getting familiar with our family and how we do pot luck style and I sent her a text telling her it was yummy!! She thanked me and we texted back and forth, but not about him.
My sponsor encourages me to build a relationship around him with my grandsons. It's been a slow, slow process as she feels she betrays him by liking me when he's been a backside.....so - this was growth in that aspect of the family.
I find that when in doubt, don't. But, as long as my motives are pure and not manipulative, I can try new things leaving the outcome to God. (((hugs))) to you all - I love that the program gives me freedom to redefine what family is and you all are certainly that for me, over and over again!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
