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I am new to this Forum. My story is an interesting one although it may sound a bit over the top. My husband started drinking in 2009 and finally he chose to go to rehab in March 2015. We have three children. During the last 3 years of his active alcoholism (2012-2015) he was having an affair with his first cousin (his fathers, sisters daughter- direct first cousin. we were at eachothers wedding). His affair started when I was 8 months pregnant with my third. From 2013-2015 I knew this was the case but I was unable to prove it. I finally proved it in April 2015. As I am sure it is for everyone, living with an alcoholic for six years was very difficult, to put it mild. And to also know that my husband was having an affair made it for me unbearable. This all said, I chose first to stay with him to try and 'help'. Around 2014 until he came to me in 2015 telling me he was going to rehab, it was more for the protection of my children. I spent six years searching cars, closets, basements for vodka bottles. Six years of being lied to about his drinking and affair. He left me with three kids during sickness and storms to be with her because she was 'cool' and allowed him to drink (I knew every time he was with her because he would stay overnight when she came into town for business. The first year I believed it was a cousin relationship. They reconnected after many years. But eventually I caught on). There were Times when he left my kids somewhere so that he could buy vodka or him taking our middle child to and NFL game and getting plastered and driving home. I came home when he was babysitting and he was drunk and there was an open bottle of vodka. Times when I had to get him upstairs because he could not stand. I am sure each and everyone on this forum knows what it is like to live with an alcoholic so I do not think I need to go through every single situation I was in over the six years- the last three being the worst.
After he started rehab, he had two relapses. The last one was August 2015. He has been sober since then. He has 'graduated' from rehab but he continues to go to AA about 5 times a week and will always go to AA as a recovering alcoholic. For myself I have attended several al-anon meetings and currently I am seeing a therapist which he also sees every several visits. I have avoided medication for myself thus far.
Yes I am still with him. The past year (it will be 1 year in April I proved the affair and his entire family was informed) I have had a very hard time. Part of it is like I have PTSD. I have a harder time accepting/foregiving the affair than I do the alcoholism. I am of the thought process that he would have never started the affair if our marriage had not gone to shit due to the drinking but it does not make it right. I remember the man he was before he became an alcoholic. I do suffer from situation depression.
I wish I was further along in my mental recovery. There are still days that I cry constantly and ask why and others where I put my big girl pants on and live my life happily. And being she is the first cousin, she is always around and his dad and some siblings are still Facebook friends with her which clearly makes it hard for her to disappear sometimes. My husband some days is very patient with me and others he is basically like shut up. He started to be less patient in the fall about 6 months after the alcohol and the affair came to a head. I felt as I had 6 months to get my shit together mentally after dealing with him for 6 years.
I chose to give my husband a chance. I chose to not leave him over the six active alcohol years and I chose not to leave him after proving the affair because I do love him. But I hurt a lot but I am slowly getting better.
I joined this forum to perhaps to discuss my feelings. I have worked through the whole why alcohol, where did you guys go, what did you do, how was your love for her different than me, why, etc etc. Nowadays my bad days focus on a trigger that may remind me of them and than I get very down and angry and I feel very bad about myself.
QUESTION: Recently though there has been a slight switch in thinking on his part and what he said hurt me and I really did want your opinion. My question is this. My husband said to me about a week ago he used to think I turned into a shrew due to his drinking but now he says I turned into a shrew because of who I was. During his active drinking I would get really upset and angry and yell for him to stop and a few times over the six years I said I wish you were dead and another time - once- I said I wish he had cancer, not my mother. I was in hell. Please note I have NEVER said anything like this the past year since he has been in rehab/AA although I have called him a prick a few times. But he said to me about a week ago that he felt most woman would have not said I wish you were dead or you had cancer and I should have never said that stuff and he referred to the 'Wives' chapter in the blue AA book. This upset me very much because I feel like he does not understand what I went through during his active drinking and I can't seem to wrap my head around it. I feel like he should not think that way that I should not have said I wish you were dead and the cancer statement and he said he does not think "his mistress insert name" would have ever said those two things. I agree they were mean things to say but if he knew what I went through I feel as if he would not even be thinking now that I ever said those two things during his drinking. Any thoughts?
I wish you all well with your lives and hope you all find the support you need on this forum.
-- Edited by hopeful987 on Saturday 26th of March 2016 04:04:39 PM
Hi Hopeful welcome Living wih the disease of alcoholism we gradually let go of all our positive traits and develop many negative coping tools to survive in the insanity. These tools remain with us unless we search out a recovery program of our own and begin to redefine ourselves and our wonderful assets. Alanon is that program.
I urge you to check the white pages and call the hot line number. Face to face meetings will provide you with the ability to re develop new tools to live by and receive the support of others who understand as few other can.
hopeful987 - I too welcome you to MIP - glad you found us and glad that you joined in and shared.
As Betty suggests, the disease is progressive and affects well beyond the person who is alcoholic. AA is for them and Al-Anon is for the friends/family of alcoholics.
Both sides of the program work the 12 Steps. Each is intended to be worked in order. I urge you to engage and do your absolute best to keep the focus on you and your recovery.
There are no easy answers when it comes to past behaviors. That often applies to both sides in a marriage. Resentments and hurts are powerful and keep us stuck. Working the program and steps can help you move forward and better under the disease. Both of these will tool you to better be able to handle discussions, fights, arguments, etc.
Before the program, I said things in anger that were mean. At the time, they were reactive. In recovery, I've been able to own my part and make amends. My hope is you choose recovery and and find your path to peace and serenity.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Yes. It is a long road. I just feel like when he tells me what I did wrong during his alcoholic years it still makes me angry. Hopefully one day it will not. As I said, it will be one year in April he has stopped actively drinking (minus the two relapses) and we are taking it day by day trying to make the marriage work.
So glad you are here, one day at a time things have gotten better. The first year for me was pretty much hell. I was dealing with a lot of emotions coming to surface that I had stuffed for years. I had to remember easy does it... and to keep it simple. I can remember saying things to my husband in active drinking and early sobriety that were not real nice, I fantasized about his death even... I was very sick. Was it right, no but it is what I knew at the time. Today because of the program I get to learn new healthy tools.
Meetings, step work, reading the al anon books and sponsor was a huge help for me, it may be worth looking into :) Glad you are here.
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Kats
To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you - Lewis B. Smedes
Thank you for your feedback. I don't feel as bad for what I have said in the past. Again, I have not said anything like that since our recovery has started but when he brought that up it hurt me.
It sounds like that hurt him a lot, and that seems fair to me. It also sounds like you were under immense pressure and pain, and that also seems fair to me. Both of you were in the grips of the insanity that is alcoholism. In Al-Anon we learn to keep our focus on "What was my part in it?" We can hope that your husband will also keep that focus on for himself, but that is not under your control. It sounds to me as if you are feeling that it is unfair that he is not acknowledging the pain you were under that led you to saying those things. I think it is fair to want that understood, although it is a very hard thing for the other person to acknowledge. I certainly wanted my A to understand the pain he had caused. He never got sober and he has not understood it yet, and I don't think it will happen. But that is my story, not yours. Your part may be that you operated with the tools you had, and in the insanity your tools were anger and aggression. As you can see now, those weren't useful tools, even though you were doing the best you could. The fact that those weren't useful tools doesn't mean that your pain wasn't valid and horrible to live through. You were doing everything you could to get his attention and express your anger. For him to understand this is probably a very hard and painful thing and I would imagine is not going to happen instantly. For both people, as much as possible, good recovery takes a lot of patience with the process. I hope you can work on your own recovery hard, which will make it easier to be patient about his recovery. Take good care of yourself.
