The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I had been having a good run. I went to a first F2F meeting and was overwhelmed with the kindness of people there. The speaker said something that unlocked so much emotion in me when it helped me to realize I had been expecting a life that didn't involve the disease. I had failed to acknowledge my AH's struggles in my expectations and was so filled with remorse and told him so. I was grateful for this new awareness, for him, and the ability to feel love I thought was lost. It literally was as if an iceberg melted as all of the feelings I had stuffed away to protect myself came flooding back. Today he was unnecessarily sharp in a text. When I spoke to him on the phone later I told him it hurt my feelings and as I shared why he hung up on me. My struggle is that he will sit hour after hour in rehab crying for and comforting strangers but is unfeeling and cruel to his own wife. My instinct is to return to hiding from my feelings packing them away in my emotional basement never to be taken out again; repair the brick wall that left me dead inside where his actions were concerned. I've read "relying on an alcoholic for comfort is like..." so someone please explain to me how a marriage is to last? I've heard comfort comes from Al-anon but as grateful as I am for the support here and as much as it's helped me through tough times, it will never replace a loving marriage or even make up for the one I don't feel I have. I deserve to be happy, to be loved deeply by a husband who is sweet to me and cares for my feelings. I hear separate the disease from the person. The person was sober today and kind to others as though they were valuable people who deserved kindness but could not be to me. How can I blame the disease when the harm is only for me? My mind screams to just end this. I don't trust him with my heart after having broken it so many times. Maybe I don't even understand what the saying to separate the disease from the person means. What is the distinction between a supportive wife and an out and out fool? Detach seemed like such a sensible thing until today. Now it all just feels like a big excuse for a person who is not nice to me and just me.
Honestly I found this painful to read, just remembering that very same feeling and question, WHY is he so nice to everyone else and so damn cruel to me?
It did change, but by the time it changed it was no longer my goal to make it change. Funny how that works.
Basically I think a lot of sick people in relationships with enabler type people like us, recognise, even if it isn't conscious, that they can hurt us and shred our self esteem by behaving like this and this prevents us from getting stronger and "getting away". Now that's me trying to guess at other people's motives and it isn't very al-anon of me but nonetheless i think a lot of people do this exact thing.
What i found was, whenever I looked to him for any sort of kindness or care he would actually be EXTRA mean and there was no mistaking the fact that it was deliberate. Reading the book "getting them sober" helped me to understand how much of his behaviour was probably aimed at keeping me in the weak sad role i was in and knowing that helped me break out of it.
When i stopped looking to him for comfort or validation, and when I stopped even sharing with him details of my life or my feelings, and started very purposefuly caring for myself the way I was coming to understand I really did deserve, my qualifiers began to adjust the way that they treated me accordingly. once it was clear i was not interested in their scraps or crumbs of attention and would either provide happiness and comfort for myself and or surround myself with those that gave reciprocally, others had no choice but to lift their game or cease to be a part of my life.
I think unfortunatey the way a lot of these unwell people interpret it when we try to explain to them how much their lack of care hurts us is "well, she's telling me she still WANTS my love and attention. So I must be a pretty awesome guy really, if she still wants me, so what is she complaining about?" That was the way it seemed to me anyway. When i stopped seeking anything from my partner, mother, etc, at all.....that was when they seemed to adjust their behaviour. it isnt the goal of alanon of course, but it is a nice side effect, often.
Hugs.
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Alcoholism is a 3 fold diseease. It affects the spiritual, emotional and physical parts of the alcoholic and family members, Just stopping drinking is the first Step. It is a process and we, as well as the drinker need to learn new attitudes and responses. One of Alanon's principles asks us to look at our feeling's, own them, share about them and learn from them. We are responsible for these feelings, we own them and can change them. One of the attitudes we need to change is expecting another to fix them and is part of our disease. That is why we have meetings and sponsors They point us to a new tool and suggest we examine our motives in order to recover.
Additional thought is that another can have compassion without fixing it and blaming another for our feelings is no longer an option . You are doing well Keep coming back
Missmeliss that was so comforting to read... thank you. Just the acknowledgement of the feeling alone from someone who has been there brought me peace.
Betty... I'm hearing the message. I'll continue to think about this. Thank you.
Today's C2C is almost exactly about this topic. We (Al-Anoners) often want, expect or assume 'normal' from a person who just can't be/do that right now. My qualifiers can all be distant, moody, rude and/or cruel. Before I got to Al-Anon, I took it all personally and just was crushed. When they were nice, I was nice - when they weren't nice, I was crushed.
Not only did I have to accept the disease concept, I had to detach myself and my attitudes from their being. I used the program and all the tools, slogans, steps to be my own person. I can now today, when they are 'in a mood' mentally tell myself that it's not about me - it's about them. They are in a bad spot and I happen to be front/center for their disposition.
I do not rely on another to love me, make me happy and/or brighten my day. If they do, I consider it a bonus. I can't expect their love for me to be shown as I demonstrate my love for another. Over time, I can tell when one is in a bad place, and accept that their silence and choice NOT to engage in a conversation is them showing love for me.
When I arrived, those before me explained that my fairy-tale version of what life should be like needed to be smashed. Nobody has a life and a love as we see on TV/movies and most loving relationships are built on common respect for the other, in good times and bad times. Those same people suggested to me that we are all imperfect doing our best each day. I had to stop looking for my best effort in others, as we were all in different places.
So, I am sorry that you are hurt. When I was where you are, I found peace in self-care - meetings, readings, sponsor, steps, slogans. For me, any time I look outside of myself for validation, joy and/or happiness, I am usually disappointed.
(((Hugs))) - great share - I would offer that in my processing, it helps me to realize that rarely do mine 'hurt me' with malicious intent. It's a passionate response in the moment. I've also found that when I can avoid reacting, they've come back in their own time-frame, and apologize or make amends.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
