The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I recognize tonight that the boundaries I set often block me from having to feel the emotions I felt when my boundaries weak. I hold it together...stand firm in my wants...and then a weakening in the boundary and flood gate of tears. I'm not dealing with emotions just putting a wall up to block them. how is that helpful for me? So am I setting boundaries or building a wall? I don't know...I guess I'll just have to see how things unfold.
-- Edited by Crau on Wednesday 23rd of March 2016 11:34:36 PM
Great awareness Crau I can identify and prior to alanon I also built "walls" for protection . Alanon taught me that boundaries were flexible and only for myself. They could be changed or moved.
Using boundaries instead of walls hleped me to begin to feel love, joy happiness etc.
It is a process so please keep coming back
I agree with Betty Crau - great post and great awareness. As I grew and changed, I realized as you have that some of my boundaries were not really made with self-love, but rather wear made from solid brick. I am one that if something makes me uncomfortable or off-center (good or bad), I take a pause to explore in more depth. Most of the changes I've made in my boundaries have been a result in personal growth and the realization that I am stronger, calmer, and growing.
If it appears to be blocking you in any way from moving forward, it may be time for a change! This is where a sponsor has been so very helpful for my growth. Mine has been needed to help me see beyond my own frame of reference!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I felt as I got further along in Al Anon, I finally was able to feel things, and subsequently, was able to give myself permission to feel things. That was absolutely verboten in my house growing up. No feelings. Nada. Absolutely no alcohol in my house growing up, but dad was so uptight that I don't ever remember laughing at a fart when I was growing up!
Subsequently, I was able to give my wife permission to feel feelings, which had been a huge stumbling block in our marriage.
It seems like you are confusing boundaries - basically a line in the sand that we put around us that, when others cross, we take action, with walls, which keep everything totally out, and usually are more in the context of emotions.
For example, I could put in place a boundary that says something like "when my wife gets drunk, it's bad for my son to be around, and is counter productive to my serenity, so I will take my son and go visit a friend or relative's house until the next morning". That is different than saying "I can't stand the thought of my wife being drunk, so I'm not going to face it or deal with it". It's good to face it and deal with it, in fact the boundary would be there because I became aware of the feelings that her drunkenness would cause, accepted them, and decided to take action by putting in a boundary. In that way, I have taken a step towards acknowledging and doing something about my feelings.
This is a great question and subsequent thread, thanks for showing up and asking about it!
So Kenny - is it terrible that I giggled here outloud when you mentioned laughing at a fart (or not) growing up? I had 3 brothers and we also had a stern father......we were in trouble most of the time...
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I too am having problem understanding what is "boundary". I read more and more about Al-anon literatures, research about healthy boundaries, and kept coming back and most importantly I turned my life to God. I do the steps, pray the serenity prayer & the surrender prayer. I am a work in progress.
Good healthy boundaries take time Its
about taking care of your own wellbeing,
whats good and healthy for you to get
better, healthier and stronger. Its What
works For you not others.
There is so Much to learn so then i could
Begin to change and Grow. One thing begets
Another, everything seems to go together.
My own walls are down, i still need to keep
safe so i can stay Protected. My Boundaries
keep me protected from People Trying to
Encroach on my personal rights or space.
I am getting much better with boundaries
The stronger i get. Sending you big gentle
Hugs
I really like what Miranda said about boundaries because the only way to change and grow is for me to feel safe and in order to do that I had to create my own sense of safety.
The thing that is different about walls and boundaries .. boundaries can change as I get healthier .. boundaries are about me .. sometimes my boundaries might look like walls to others, usually it's more about removing the toxicity from my life. While I have a couple qualifies I love dearly .. they can't be in my life because their chaos bleeds into my life and they are not worth the risk to my kids. My boundaries are about me and what works as I heal.
Walls are ridged and that doesn't work for me because they keep the hurt and the good stuff out. Taking calculated risks is a good thing emotionally. Walls don't allow me to grow. Walls certainly keep me safe .. they keep me from participating in life.
What Alanon gave me was permission to decide what is and is not working in my life, that's what boundaries allow me to do .. decide what is and is not ok.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
My husband's birthday is nearing and he keeps on asking my permission for him to go out and drink with his friends. I try to keep calm, patient and nice though it really is very irritating. I keep on telling him that the decision is not mine but his. I couldn't understand why he is insisting that I should say it's ok. But I told him my stand: the decision is his and I will not say yes or no. In my mind I think that if I say yes then whatever his behavior or my behavior will be after, when he drinks, will be my fault. If I say no then he will say I am controlling and that he has no freedom etc. though he is already insinuating that he has no freedom because I am not allowing him, he really wanted me to say yes it's ok to drink because it's his birthday. But history says that after the birthday will come more & more occasions (real & made-up) to drink. I don't know if that is setting boundaries. To my mind and I told him too that my stand is for myself because I don't want to go thru the roller coaster ride again. I told him that if it happens again I could not promise him that I can still stay in our marriage. That is what his drinking is doing to me, I told him that I'm affected, I am becoming what I don't want to be & I couldn't control my behavior & emotions either. I don't like it, I don't want that to happen to me again. I don't know if he really understood but he still insists I am controlling him. I am surrendering the whole situation to God praying that His will be done in our lives, that He direct & guide me and my husband. God has been working on us because for a month now he has not drank & I have been able to control my anger and outbursts. I have been calmer, and quiet and serene since Al-anon. I would say I am a work in progress and a miracle is going on. I continue to pray that I am on God's side and in the right direction.
I'm finding this discussion of boundaries very helpful. Jocelap, I was in a situation very similar to what you described about a birthday, and I wish I'd known then what I know now about boundaries.
My late AH had been told by his doctor that he must abstain from alcohol, because he'd been having seizures. And husband had told me, while in the hospital, that his drinking days were over. And he did appear to have stopped ... although after a time, he did express frustration that I was "controlling" him. Which I was, but I thought he'd agreed to it.
Some months later, husband's birthday was approaching, and our tradition was to have a family dinner at a restaurant, including wine and other drinks. A doctor's appointment was coming up, and he told me he was going to ask the doctor if it would be OK for him to have a glass of wine or two on his birthday. At the appointment, I was there and I reminded him that he had this question for the doctor. So when he asked, the doctor said that he would not advise drinking. So I thought that was the boundary ... the doctor said no. And at the birthday dinner, he in fact didn't order any alcohol. So I thought he wasn't drinking. Only to find out later, as he had another seizure, that he'd been drinking secretly at home, hiding the bottles, for quite a while. This won't be a surprise to anyone here at MIP, but it surprised me at the time, and I had run out of resilience to handle any more surprises. I didn't have Al-Anon yet, but that experience was one of the things that led me to it.
I share this because I have come to understand that what I thought was a boundary set by the doctor and by me ... no drinking ... didn't and couldn't work. They didn't get me the peace of mind I so desperately wanted. Only when I understood -- with the help of Al-Anon meetings and a sponsor -- that I didn't have to be enmeshed in his drinking and its consequences, and that it was OK to have boundaries for my own behavior -- did I begin to have a glimpse of serenity.
