The material presented
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I have this spoilt brat voice in my head at times and when things arent going exactly to my liking I revert to a child and have a wee bit of a subtle, passive manipulative tantrum. Can you relate?
This relationship I am in has many beautiful things in it. When I am being a grown up and mature I appreciate it and can understand it and dont base my serenity on it but every so often this inner demanding me surfaces and I convince myself its not for me. I dont like this or that and I lose my serenity or I throw it out my pram!!! I want to end it every couple of months it seems and I mull it over for days until Ive got a concrete set of reasons.
Immaturity is the crux of most of my shortcomings and I think it comes from allowing the inner child in me to surface and dominate my thinking which then becomes distorted and disturbed. Ration and reason become far far away.
I carry baggage from my past relationship and the me I was before Alanon. I was in denial for 20 years. This still blows my mind and there is a part of me that fears this could happen again. I could actually drift along in denial convincing myself of something that doesnt exist. This makes me wary in this new relationship. I dont like being wary, its fear and it distorts my thinking.
Another shortcoming is people pleasing and I wonder if it has been triggered big time in this relationship then I think am I acting on this need to please through fear of rejection? I dont know. At the moment I am confused for some reason and I know it will pass and clarity will come if I let it in. Thanks for any suggestions you may have.x
HI LC Thanks for your honesty and the demonstration of your ability to look below the surface, examine your motives with such clarity and then accept the truth that you discover. That is how the Steps and this program works. The 3 As-- awareness, acceptance and action, The action is sharing about it here. I believe you are dedicated to recovery so that by simply being aware of your actions and inner drivers you are taking positive actions to healing old attitudes and letting go of destructive tools. Remember program suggests that" we do not throw out he baby with the bath water."
Hey El-Cee - I can't relate relative to the relationship part - I'm still in mind and as of today, have decided that if I live longer or we part ways, I will never marry again. Not sure exactly what that means to me or for me, but it's something I've said and held onto since I discovered he was drinking and I was clueless for a long while.
I can relate to the inner child portion of your post, and there are still times where I want to throw tantrums and run away and hide. It often happens it seems when I am either wallowing in the past or projecting to the future. Both of these just present me with a loss of hope, which brings fear to me, and then self-will. I am one who has to consciously use a/some tools from our kit to get back on track because if I allow it to fester/grow/continue, I end up in a depressive state and it's hard to climb back.
My life (I am not unique, just speaking of my ESH) has many, many unknowns. Before this program, that drove me crazy! I planned like crazy and then tried to make everything and everyone conform to my way and my plan. They didn't, and then I would either get angry or sad. It was a pattern repeated over and over and over again. My absolute best survival tool is living in the moment/present. Truly, I have so many blessings when I stop to consider/see them. I am healthy, I have lovely friends, I have a home, food, water, clothes - all that I need! It is, for me, the wants and expectations that tend to cause me to go left of center.
I am sorry you're having what I call 'retread moments'. It does happen and like everything else we are presented with, the best I can offer is to walk through it with all of your tools, including your faith. Know that we are here for you!! (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
