The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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level.
I don't know where else to turn. I don't want to walk away from her.
She became my employee. We became close friends. She doesn't like to feel, she opened up to me. It took her two years to get on her GED and in two months time I had her done with three of the 4 tests. I pushed and pushed so she got her community project done and her requirements met on time so she could graduate in March. We met in December and she had so much yet to do just to get there and I helped. Her car broke down, I got a rental and gave her mine to use for almost a month and a half. Her cell was not the best, I added her to my plan. Since graduation (which mind you when I said what do you want most in life right now. One short term goal her answer was freedom and graduation was going to get her there) the car is back, but the same day I brought it home she got a hold of someone elses, she is always aggitated. Has told me that she has been thinking a lot more about using but if she had any in her hand she would not and would call me and I believe that as i know she doesnt want to go back to that. I dont know, I want to trust my gut, but she is always accusing me of things that prove me to be untrustworthy and I have proven over and over and over and over in my actions that I dont break promises, i dont make promises i cant guarantee to keep and I dont lie. She has twice in a week accused me of lieing and over two such stupid stupid things. Accused me of making up a fake relationship because he wouldnt call her back and it all seemed fishy to her and we never finish a conversation and with this one when she accused me of this and i had him call her, she still stands beside herself believing that she was in the right to think i could even come up with such crazy crap all because I was trying to at the same time walk away from the guy and so I didnt want to call him to tell him to call her and she said friendship would be over if she didnt hear from him because i made him up. I am still waiting 3 days later to have a rational conversation with her about anything. It is always I will call you in a few and never does. Never any time for me. Never to talk about feelings. Always to think that the person most supportive and proud of her is the one out to get her when her own family is popping pills and smoking weed and getting drunk. But those are the ones she wants to be most faithful to because they are family and they were there when she was an addict. I just am so lost right now. Do I let go, turn off phone, take off my insurance unfriend on facebook and keep it professional knowing each time i see her i just want to laugh and be us but i dont know that us was ever even real. How do I even know if anything in the last few months is real. She is selfish, always taking and nothing giving, but will and has said time and time again how thankful she is to me for all I have done. Even said she would not have graduated when she did without me. So now why am I a piece of trash. Someone guide me please
Hi Carol I am sorry that you are in such distress. I suggest that you search out alanon face to face meetings in your community and attend. It is there that I broke the isolation caused by the disease and developed new constructive tools to live by. The hotline number is in the white pages.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I know it's very painful.
It's clear you are a giving person. Sadly some people run their lives by letting the "giving people" pick up the slack for their own under-performing. They seek us out, consciously or unconsciously. And it feels so good to be needed and to make a difference, doesn't it? But just because we've kind of frogmarched them through a lot doesn't mean they've gotten any more mature or self-motivated in the meantime. And if they're an alcoholic or an addict, they've undoubtedly been practicing their addiction behind the scenes. And that will bring down any life, any relationship.
So often we are so focused on "potential" that we don't see who the person really is, right now.
In Al-Anon we learn to detach with love (frequently first comes detaching, sometimes with enough anger to get us through it - the love comes later). To turn the focus back on ourselves, who are really the only ones we can control.
I hope you'll find a meeting, and read through the threads on here, and keep coming back.
