The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Aloha J and good to see and hear from you this morning. I feel the same way and know why as I have another court appearance in front of the illegal occupier this morning in my home nation and then this is nothing compared to living in the disease of alcoholism where I have learned that I have a power greater than myself who restores me to sanity. If I am quiet and listen and watch I can see where things are different and positive and remind myself to not get into FEAR...False Evidence Appearing Real. I won't elaborate on the situation as you have your own to deal with..."Trust God, Clean House, Help Others. Peace and support to you. (((((hugs)))))
So sorry you are going through this. Having been through the disease I also have had a cementing in my mind and heart of a high power. It's the only explanation I have that my wife isn't dead, and that she didn't take my son with her. She was unreasonable, unreasoning, and inwardly suicidal when she was active, and couldn't be talked with in a rational manner. How God pulled her out of it is only between him and her, but I saw it, and now I believe.
I'm sorry you feel so alone in this, keep coming back here, maybe your recent find of this forum and Al Anon is a gift from HP.
I am so sorry you are going through this. Prayers to you that you find some peace and some answers. I went through a mysterious illness a few months back and was convinced that something was wrong. Went to the drs twice thinking I had something seriously wrong and they couldn't find anything. I did pray to my HP which seemed to alleviate my stress and worry. My symptoms eventually went away. For me I think a lot of it had to do with being overwhelmed and stressed and it was manifesting itself into physical symptoms. I don't want to say that this is what may be causing your issues but just wanted to let you know you are not alone and I understand how worrisome these things can be. Sending your prayers and a virtual hug.
I am so sorry. I know how stressful it is. I had a mysterious illness for several years. It was terrifying because no one could diagnose it, and I'm not that great with any kind of illness, let alone an undiagnosed one. Half the doctors would say it was something terrible and fatal (Lou Gehrig's disease, bad MS, various degenerative things) and the other half said it was all in my mind. In the end it turned out to be a side effect from a diptheria vaccination. Not that I am in the anti-vaccination camp. This is a very rare side effect and the good news is that over time and gradually it went away all on its own. But I had a couple of years of fear and despair as it seemed like it wasn't going to and the doctors were so hard to deal with.
Anyway, this is to say that I have some idea of what you're dealing with. I found that it helped to take very good care of my health as best I could, and to try to learn to let go of expectations and my need to control things. I got better at being a "human being" instead of a "human doing." All of us are going to be facing big challenges at some point in our lives - that was one of mine. But it helped not to feel singled out by fate. We are luckier than any other generation because we have the internet instead of being stuck isolated in a room with no contact with anyone.
The one thing I found is that if there's anything worse than having a difficult illness and not enough help, it's have a difficult illness, not enough help, and an alcoholic there to make life even more chaotic and miserable! So you are rid of one burden!
I hope you can take very good care of yourself. Hugs.
I was never a religious person and still don't subscribe to a denomination. I couldn't handhold during the serenity prayer because it felt extremely uncomfortable and prayer itself felt conspicuous and also extremely uncomfortable. But I can recall one night in extreme fear and desperation crying my eyes out and begging with my entire heart for help. And spending many moments thinking to an entity I couldnt name but felt was "somewhere behind the sky" lol.And also visualising in an "it will never happen but if it could I would like........." way. Well, the situation was one where I was facing police prosecution for a crime my former partner had literally beaten me into commiting five years previously, then dobbed me in for as we were in a custody battle. I had one charge for dui ( which was a turning point in my life and a whole other story) from the same time period so it didnt look good for me. Diversion is a scheme offered for first time offenders. I was not, by the time the police came knocking on my heavily pregnant door, a first time offender. Anyway the first part of the prayer was answered when a lawyer who used to be a cop got assigned my case and negotiated with the police on a technicality being that the crime was commited before the dui. So diversion was offered. However to acheive it I needed 3, 000 dollars in reperation. I had $33 a week affer paying my rent and no way of making it. I had a month to come up with the cash. The second part of the miracle was that it turned out I had been underpaid by the government for almost two years. A community worker had come with me to an appointment to the welfare office and with a few clicks on her computer screen, just like thatI was credited four thousand and a few hundred dollars, in time to pay the reparation, and buy a giant stuffed bee and toys and clothes and food for my little family. No conviction was ever recorded. That was my introduction to answered prayers and a higher being looking out for me always. Since that time Jaclyn I swear there have been many more times where prayers are answered. Not always do I get what I think I want but I trust totally that god/hp has a plan for me always. Your relationship with you and your hp is a totally personal thing. You don't need to fall to your knees at a holy revival tongue speaking fair, you don't even need to leave your house. It is between you and the maker however you conceive of it. What is there to lose in the solitude of ones lips to hp 's ears? Lots of warm thoughts your way, edna.
may i suggest if u have a"teaching hospital' connected to an University,you check it out for an answer. UCLA out in in ca always are effective with mysterious illnesses
meanwhile i send my prayers for u.
Im sorry your going through this. I think its really good to try to get spirituality in your life. The Alanon literature really helped me with that part and the idea of a higher power. The One Day at a Time and courage to Change book are great and at the back is the index where you can look up specific readings. Good luck.
Thank you all. Your support means so much to me, and is much needed.
Jerry - Thank you and I hope all is okay with you.
Kenny - Thank you and I am glad that a higher power was able to help you and your family.
Jazzie - Thanks for your kind words. I'm sorry you went through a period of illness, but appreciate you sharing that with me. If you don't mind my asking, what were you experiencing - physically? The doctors had thought originally it could be a somatic expression of emotional issues, but have since ruled that out - based on the symptoms and their constant nature (as opposed to coming and going).
Mattie - Several years?! I don't know how you made it through. May I ask what was wrong, symptom-wise (may be better via PM)? Were you able to function at all (drive, work, get dressed each day, spend time with friends)? The doctors are so so tough to deal with :( You are right that I feel singled out by fate. I was a happy, successful, person - and now I am reduced to nothing, confined to a bed, with no apparent hope or future ahead of me. I'm only 26. I wish I could see my A's absence as a blessing.. But as I've expressed on here, I miss him (the him I know) so very much and wish he hadn't abandoned me. Thanks for sharing your hardship with me.
a4l - That is quite a story - thank you for sharing it with me! I'm so happy for you that you were able to forge such a connection with a higher power. I am working on it. T
YARNCRAZY - Funny you should mention UCLA, as that is the primary place I am seeing docs. A year in, and so far no answers. I'm terrified. Regardless, I appreciate the thought and advice.
el-cee - Thank you for your sympathies and suggestions. I have the literature and am reading it, as my neurological state will allow. I, too, hope I can connect with a higher power soon.
Got call from ex-A last night. Just wanted to "check on" me. He was speaking out of both sides of his mouth... One - the guy I miss and love. The other - half asses loyalty to the girl he is currently seeing. Ask me what we spoke about during the convo...? It was so confusing, I don't know. He wasn't drunk... Can anyone relate to this?
Yes J. I've been you on the receiving end and him on the careless chaotic end. Honestly, this dudes no good for you. Is my honest and well lived 34 year old opinion. Most drinkers I know, and I include me, drink to escape reality. The care factor I have for peoole is extremely limited. I may get emotional but I don't really care. True empathy gets turned off. Its all about me, me, and Me. This is my daily life whether I've happened to have had a drink, a line, a joint or not. Certain people feed my ego and tolerate my bs a lot better than others. And even if I do hurt them part of me beleives it can't have been all my fault because I didn't set out to hurt anyone and a whole bunch of other really skewed reasons. An alcoholic can always jusfify his or her behaviour to themselves. I'd implore you to start listening with your eyes. Tell him where to go, watch him come running back then repeat. Some hard questions I've had to ask myself include what is it about me that wants this person who treats me so bad? I know your sick and I can't help but wonder if your body is manifesting your mind and emotions, given that no one seems to be able to diagnose. Course that's a shot in the dark, I'm a lay beleiver of those things in some circumstamces nonetheless. I wouldn't attribute anything to his not being drunk when calling. Alcoholism is a thinking disease as much if not more than a physical one.
