The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This is not only my first time posting to this board, but my first time with Al-Anon. I've been dealing with two alcoholics in the family for years pretty much by myself and tonight I just needed help, some one to lend an ear and maybe offer some words of wisdom.
So let me tell you why I am here... I'm 33 years old woman living with a younger brother and an older sister who both are alcoholics. My brother more so than my sister, but they seem to feed off each other's alcoholism.
It all started about 7 years ago when my brother got out of the Army after serving for 5 years and doing two tours both in Afghanistan and Iraq. When my brother came home he wasn't the same lovable, happy guy I remembered... he was harder in some areas and more fragile in others. He lost a lot of friends over there and saw so much that it's left an irrevocable mark on him. He hasn't been diagnosed with PTSD (he feels like he's not bad enough to warrant him taking the place of another soldier who needs it more so he hasn't gone to the local VA to get help), but I know he has it and his coping mechanism is alcohol to the point that it effects me and my sister as well. For about 7 years now he gets drunk every single night to the point of slurring his words, falling down, knocking things over, being equal parts mean/emotional and eventually passing out. He does restrict himself to only drinking after about 4pm or so, but a lot of his life revolves around getting the next drink and this resulted in him messing up his attendance at the local college through his GI bill and not getting a living stipend anymore. This is the reason he lives with my sister and I.
My sister on the other hand is far more adjusted and her alcoholism doesn't effect her life all that much beyond spending money she doesn't always have on alcohol. She doesn't drink every night (though she does drink on average about 5 nights a week) and she doesn't always get so drunk she passes out, but she is unwilling to give up drinking in the house even though she is aware our brother is a self-professed alcoholic and knows her drinking only enables him to drink as well. Because my brother lost his educational living stipend and can't/won't get a job he has money issues and can't always afford to buy alcohol... my sister will then buy him a large bottle of vodka (one liter) that they will share for the night. They usually drink at least 3/4 of the bottle in a single night.
It's a never ending circle of them drinking together, buying each other a bottle of vodka when they can't afford it and just reestablishing that it's okay to drink so much because the other's joining in on it.
I really don't know what to do at this point and I feel like I'm trapped in a situation that I can't fix. I've tried helping my brother over and over to stop drinking, and I've talked to my sister until I was blue in the face about her just enabling our brother's alcoholism, but nothing ever changes. They both say they'll stop, they'll do better, they'll make smarter choices with their money, get a job, only drink on weekends, etc... but nothing changes. The way they drink makes me uncomfortable and sometimes the way my brother acts frightens me. He's a lot bigger than me, has military training and sometimes he gets mean, though he's never hit me or threatened me. I want to move out and put some distance between their drinking and me, but their drinking issues ensure that they can't afford to live alone so I have to stay so that they have a place to live.
I'm just really unsure what to do or how to make things better.
Hi caprilyeous You have come to the right place. Alcoholism is a horrible disease. It has no cure. Im rather new here as well but one thing I have learned already is the 3 C's You didn't cause it You cant control it and You cant cure it. With the help of Alanon I am learning the tools necessary to find the peace to deal with this awful disease. I hope you can find a face to face meeting in your area. Keep coming back.
Thanks, Fooled. I've been really delving into Al-Anon and there is a lot of words of wisdom I can definitely see helping. As for face to face meetings, I'm a natural introvert and I find myself really nervous of going to a local meeting... meeting new people and trying to find your place in a new group just always brings that out in me, lol. But I'm going to try to find one to go to. :)
caprilyeous - welcome to MIP - so glad you joined in and shared your story with us.....and so very sorry that you feel stuck in a home with chaos/drama/alcoholism! I agree with fooled - this is a great place to land and Al-Anon can certainly help you gain some awareness about the disease + tools to cope/manage your life.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease that is really never cured but can be treated through recovery. It's considered a family disease as it seems to affect each member of the family. We become crazy and usually develop bad habits trying to deal with the disease....the best thing I heard when I first started was the 3 Cs - 1. I didn't cause it, 2. I can't control it and 3. I can't cure it.
I fully understand you wanting to depart and put distance between you and the disease. I also understand that you share expenses with your siblings. Please understand that choosing your sanity over them is not a wrong choice. I'm not advising you to move today, but as you embrace Al-Anon, you will grow stronger and learn how to make decisions that are in your best interest vs. theirs.
I encourage you to seek out local meetings as it's lovely to have resources in your area. We are all just a post away and we do understand what living with the disease is like.
You are not alone - keep coming back!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
In Al Anon, we say that nothing changes if nothing changes. Your sister and brother sound as though they are quite comfortable in this situation, so it will need to be you that changes if anything is going to change. One very beneficial change would be going to that Al Anon meeting. I was nervous when I went to my first one, same as you I'm an introvert, but I was welcomed and encouraged so much there that, once I got in there, I was all good with it.
You can keep coming back here too, there are many wise people here ready to share their experience, strength, and hope!
