The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Something is under the surface though and I don't know what it is....A constant circle of questions is going through my head. I have verbalized my boundaries. But he hasn't followed them before. He even admitted when he came home from rehab, the more I got on him about the drinking, the more he wanted to drink. I have told him I would not stay if he relapses. In my head I am constantly looking for signs.
Why cant I just enjoy that tonight he seems sober?
Because you have been affected by living with this dreadful disease. This as well as many other hidden destructive attitudes are what alanon and MIP tools are helping us to replace. I is a process so that coming here and sharing is great as well as reciting a slogan and the serenity prayer all helped me to stay in reality and the moment.
Good luck
Learning and living new habits takes time and practice. Before the program, I always expected the other shoe to fall....it was entrenched in my thinking and daily habits. When I came to the program and folks talked about one day at a time and acceptance, it made perfect sense. Taking what we learn and embrace and living it isn't always natural/automatic.
The beauty of the program is you are aware that you are uneasy or as I like to say, "left of center"....you came here and posted. We are telling you it's normal and even natural given the way the disease works. My best suggestion is the serenity prayer at times like this as it seems to bring me back to the here/now.
(((Hugs))) - you got this! If you can't relax with him, take a walk or a break and try again!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Maybe Mattie because at this point I don't know what I am doing. We took a drive just to get out of the house. There was a six pack of empty beer cans in the front on the floor. Of course they belong to someone else. My boundary that I am sticking to is he either is sober or Im out. Im not doing a relapse. If he wants to continue to drink that's fine. He can do it somewhere else.
Thanks Betty Iamhere and LinSc I guess I just expect too much too soon. I am so tired of expecting the other shoe to fall, I am always fearful. LinSc I accept that he has been drinking but tonight he is sober. (I think) I hate this disease.
Suzann - I hate this disease too......I try (harder sometimes than others) to love my people and hate the disease. Many days, I have to love them from afar! I have gone to extra lengths to have my own outside activities - softball, golf, working out, running, walking the dog, gardening, etc. I always can distract myself to process by calling a program friend too....it takes time, but just keep using the tools in your toolbox and you'll get through this.
(((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
He came home from his AA meeting and admitted they were his. He had a "problem" on Thursday. The other night that I felt off. Thinking back all the other nights I felt off was a "problem" night too. He said that I don't understand how hard it is, and I am sure I don't. However, I cannot watch him do this to himself again. Watching him withdraw on the couch was painful to me as well. I told him if a relapse to drinking was going to be his choice then he would have to do it somewhere else. I will be a support to him if he chooses to try sobriety again, but I cannot be there for him if he is drinking. But during this talk I had my aha moment....I had been struggling with step 2...I was starting to believe that I was going to just name our Boston Terrier Hooch my HP, because he could probably do better than me at this point...but then I realized all those times when I felt off.....my HP was making me aware. I am trying so hard to use my tools, I accept he is an alcoholic, probably more than he does, I know I cannot control his disease or choices to get help, I have set my boundaries, I have made step 2....Detachment, and step 3 is next
Love your little pic of the bunny!~!!! You know we all have our limits. How long have you been going through this with him??? If you don't mind me asking..... It's so hard. I know.
Thanks. He hit his bottom right before Christmas, he has been trying to get sober since. He spent 30 days in rehab Jan-Feb Hes been out for about 6 weeks. Prior to that we struggled with his progression for about a year. The sneaky drinking, the denial, lying ....the junk stuff that was full blown for at least 6 months prior to his bottom. Nothing has really changed, except its not every day, I think.
After my wife got out of rehab, I got to the point where I would tell her once what I was going to do, and that was it. After that, she felt like I was pressuring her, and she doesn't respond well to that. The more I would act like she was going to relapse, the more she felt like I was expecting it to happen at any moment.
If you are going to not put up with a relapse, perhaps just telling him once and then leaving it up to him as to whether he will relapse. If he doesn't, great, there was no need to mention it again. if he does, that's when the boundary comes out, and no need to JADE, just he is done.
The real question is when do you decide that he relapsed. Is it when he admits that those beer cans were his? Is it when you see something go to his lips? That's where I have had my challenges, because relapses can certianly happen without the real evidence sitting out in plain view.
I also love that my wife has grown out of the "you don't know what it's like to be an alcoholic" phase. I got very tired of that. Every time she would say that, I would say "of course I don't", but I would try then to make sure that this we are discussing a boundary set by me, which has to do with what I will accept, rather than something about her, which makes it more like a moral failure on her part. I think some of the reason she stopped saying it bis because she has become convinced that I *don't* think that it's a moral failure on her part to be an alcoholic, or to drink again. But it is unacceptable that she will drag down our family and finances again with it.
Put a check mark next to the supportive responses and decide those are the ones you need to keep in your pocket. Also give him respect thinking how would you feel and respond if you were being your victim now.
He has something to go to when he is upset and so do you...get goes to the alcohol and you go to the alcoholic. No winners there. Let go and Let God. Keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
Exactly Kenny I say its my boundary but what part of a relapse is it? I just don't know. After reading Getting him sober I realize that I do punish and judge and argue with him Jerry and I also realize I am the fixer. I am constantly looking for signs of relapse, he gets mad that I am, I am caught in a tailspin that I just cant get out of and it is so depressing. He uses every tactic in that book to make me feel bad and guilty. Hes scared Im scared. Its maddening. If I detach Im being cold so its like he does something to get my attention. Its like dealing with a big 4 year old.
Suzann - it's not easy but it does get easier and easier with practice. Detaching can be as easy as, "Let me think about that..." instead of anything more and/or the silent treatment. My favorite is, "ummmmmm" with no words. It tells my qualifier that I am listening and hearing, but really don't have a response. I have even said, "I truly don't have anything to say right now."
I got a text from my active son tonight that says he is clean/sober and has been for 8 days. I know better as he was higher than a kite just 3-4 days ago. But, this program has taught me to detach with love, so instead of trying to set the record straight and share my truth, I just said, I am happy for you and congratulations.
It's comfortable for me to say that now as we all know the truth; but until he's willing/able to see it, who am I to tell him?
To your point, my boundary started when I could prove it. It changed over time to when/if I suspect it...I was willing to back up the change with a breathalyzer and/or drug test. In every scenario with my latter boundary, my boys moved out/on instead of taking the test. So, the truth was never proven but actions supported my suspicions/findings.
Know that we're here for you - just keep working on you and keep practicing. I promise it does get easier/better with time!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Last night when AH missed his AA meeting I started to get upset and feel guilty because I did something I wanted to do and it took longer than I thought and therefore I was late getting dinner on the table so he could eat and leave. I took a time out and said to myself if the meeting was that important to him he would have went whether I had dinner on the table or not. He can go to 10 AA meetings a day and if he is going to drink hes going to drink. And I let it go. We talked a little last night and I mentioned I think I need my own therapist and he asked me if I still wanted him as a husband. I was blunt, I love him, but I love my sober husband more. We talked a little about my boundary and he didn't think it was fair that I could change the boundary. Im not too quick on my responses yet....but I did say if you wake up and decide to drink today I can wake up and decide Im not comfortable with this. With my son it is so much easier to detach as he doesn't live here. Its easier to set my boundary, don't come to my house drunk or stoned. Don't call me when you are drunk or stoned. Therefore I get a random text here or there and I always respond with I love you. For every social media post he puts up either about how much fun he is having partying, or that he is down and out, I respond I pray for you. AH is not as easy. its a struggle.
You're working it Suzann, and it sounds like you are maybe getting some serenity? Letting go and letting God is so good, because HP knows what is best. Keep it up!
Suzann - I agree with Kenny - you are working it and letting go and letting God shows in your post. It's all about practice, practice and more practice and keep in mind that progress is our goal. Each day that I pause and respond differently is a miracle! I'm all about small steps today as I used to leap forward, and not always in the right direction - even when I had the best of intentions.
(((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Why did we or do we do this to ourselves? I learned I was obsessed and addicted to my partner and the constant drama, peace, drama peace. Ive heard it called excited misery. Until you jump off the merrygoround you will keep going round and round. Its very comfortable on some level, its a familiar place. Anything else, even peace, serenity change for the better can be uncomfortable for us. So, it might be worthwhile looking at whats enjoyable in all this for you. Sounds ridiculous that you can enjoy this pain and misery but I learned that while I was obsessing about him and will he or wont he drink I got off the hook. I didnt need to look at my life and what needed changed within me to improve my life. Can you consider that you are actually using this man and his disease for your own gains? I know it sounds harsh but thats what I did. He used me to fix, control, enable and I used him to avoid myself and avoid change.
Great share LC I remember my sponsor suggesting to me that "change was hard" and that I needed to change "everything" about myself in order ot recover. Image that and I thought I was perfect .
I came to harsh conclusion that I am a codie Imagine me a codie but I am also coming to the conclusion I married this man because he was familiar to me. He is my father. My alcoholic father. And if the AH loves me, then so did my alcoholic father. Interesting little spin of conversation tonight, AH went to his second therapy appointment after work. He comes from a set of alcoholic parents and his mother was physically abusive from the time he was 4 until 7 when the state made his mother get treatment, after that she was a dry drunk, very resentful and angry and verbally abusive, AH says. I asked him how his appointment went, and he said ok gave me a few details and some goals and some work he has to do for the next session and then we talked a little and he said that he never realized what was going through my head,,,the part of me that is trying to detach myself and the codependent part that is trying to hang on and prove my worth and involve myself in his recovery. He then sighed and said the problem is there is a messed up portion in me that wants you to remain codependent, to me it proves I am loved by you when you feel my pain and it also means that I have to do the work by myself....I had to leave the room before I cried. At last he gets it....Just for today he gets it. Again, today I did something just for me. By myself. I didn't even buy into 16 year old daughters guilt trip that I never consider her needs...I know that is not true, most days its all about her. I think I shocked her when I actually said I love you be back soon walked out the door and into my jeep and left. I felt guilty for about a mile or so...and then I didn't.
Great self-care and awareness fooled! Lovely, lovely job keeping the focus on you and putting one step in front of the other. It sounds like your hubbie is also doing a bit of growing and gaining awareness. For me, that's the Miracle we gain from this program. While a part of me wanting to wake up and have life be all grand and lovely, the program part of me understands and accepts that it is a process, and growth is worth celebrating!
(((Hugs))) - make it a great day!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you ...today I actually felt better than I have in a while. Until our little Miracle went to kitty heaven. Ah had a little snit about being the one to dig the hole though. But he was sober
(((((Fooled))))) That's the best I can offer you at the moment and still I wonder if you got some part of the answer to your question why? Answers are gold in this program. What's your sponsor say?
Unfortunately I don't have one yet. I cant really get to a face to face meeting until school gets out as I have a handicapped child with no caregiver at the times the 3 meetings are offered.
