The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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level.
Spoke to AH on Skype from rehab tonight. He had told me to expect a call from his therapist a couple of weeks ago. I let him know tonight no one had called. He reiterated they would want me to participate at some point. I agreed. He said we could Skype because it wouldn't work with our daughter there. He then says they are going to tell me to go to meetings (Al-anon) just like the marriage therapist we went to see just before he went to rehab had said. I shared what I have been doing on line. He became hostile and short rolling his eyes stating it's not the same thing. I agreed it is not but I am benefitting significantly from it and it's what I can do right now. He went on with his impatient nasty tone stating it is imperative if our marriage is to continue that I do. I explained I am learning about my part but stopped as he continued rolling his eyes and exhibiting hostility. I asked him if he knew what Al-anon is for and that it's for me. I felt like he was wielding my vehicle for support like a weapon. Next he says his therapist said I should probably be seeing a therapist of my own too. I calmly let him know I wish I could go all in the way he is right now but it isn't a luxury I can afford. I also let him know I am concentrating on taking care of me and our daughter in the best way I can with the time I have. I refused to fight or take the jabs he is throwing. He's using the one method I have to learn to avoid his chaos to stir it up. This makes me start to think why am I doing this at all? This is crazy. I try to remember he's unwell and to be kind and loving. I pray for the ability to be so. I'm jaded. But I'm also blessed and lucky for so many other reasons. Focusing on those things instead of him seems like the way to go tonight.
-- Edited by sunmustshine on Friday 18th of March 2016 02:34:33 AM
Hi sunmustshine, I am sorry that this terrible confusion continues to rein. Good Work not engaging.
Please remember that alanon and MIP, provides family members(who have lived with the insanity of this disease ) constructive new tools to live by, as we attempt to recover from the devastating effects of living with the disease of alcoholism.
Even if we no longer live with the disease or have to interact with it, we still have the residual effects, such as (anger, resentment, self pity and fear) that must be addressed so we can lead a constructive life once again.
Not engaging with the disease, is extremely important. He does not have to approve of the actions that you take to recover ,and is entitled to his opinion regarding his care - simply let go and let God and continue to care for yourself.
Oh....sunmustshine - so sorry that his disease is impatient. I believe you did great - and as Betty suggests, the longer you stick with Al-Anon and the recovery tools provided, you will get better and better at handling these situations. Recovery is difficult for everyone and setting up some boundaries may help.
Know that you are not alone and reacting differently often causes others fear. We could make all kinds of assumptions about what's going on in his mind, but why bother? The point remains that his program is his and yours is yours. Just keep your focus on you and do your next right thing.
Keep coming back!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I really appreciate your support. Your strong, experienced and reassuring words bring me such comfort. I know in my heart that I am doing the right thing. I keep repeating all of the sayings I've learned and trying to make it about me. Your words give me the confirmation I need to really believe in myself. Truthfully this was still bothering me this today. Even though I try not to take the bait...I do. I couldn't seem to shake the bad energy I was holding onto from that conversation last night no matter what I tried. Reminding me to let go, that I am not alone, and to focus on me helps so much. I'm going to go do the next right thing right now. I hope everyone has a great rest of the day. I am grateful for your support.
Quick question...set up some boundaries...are there helpful boundaries that are a good idea? I don't really know what boundaries I should be setting up. I clearly feel it could help. I just don't know where to start.
I would personally state something to the effect of 'your recovery is your recovery and my recovery is my recovery and neither can progress properly with interference from the other. So I require that we do not offer opinions on or try to manage each other's recovery. So I won't participate in any such conversations from now on'.
My first thought when i read this was that he sounded a little as if he were making his own recovery dependent on you doing x,y or z. And that x,y or z might not ever be good enough if and when he decides he wants to use your lack of supportive behaviour as his excuse to drink. Not everyone is the same but I've seen my own partner set me up to take the blame very far in advance and also heard of others doing it enough times to think, hmm, you know what? It kinda sounds like...
-- Edited by missmeliss on Friday 18th of March 2016 11:44:05 AM
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
It is a little immaturely satisfying (just the kind I am best at!) to contemplate saying, "My Al-Anon learning says that I may find it healthiest to set a boundary where I don't have to report my Al-Anon participation to you. So I choose to keep it private about how, when, or if I go to meetings. Hey! Nice weather today, isn't it!" Of course there would be (unhealthy) push-back, since he is still very primitive in his recovery so far. But it is true that Al-Anon says that you can set your boundaries where you think they should be and simply disengage if they are crossed. I agree that it does sound as if it's a danger that he's putting too much responsibility for "saving the marriage" on your shoulders. Plus he sounds full of anxiety, which is making him pushy. But his job is to work his recovery and keep to his side of the street.
Boundaries in my program are about self-preservation and peace-keeping, not about punishing or withholding necessary elements of our relationship. So, I did similar to MissMel - I drew a boundary around my recovery as separate from my qualifier(s). I was able to explain it with love and kindness and then if the subject came up, I would just redirect or not respond/react.
I have boundaries about discussions when altered (I don't participate), jail/bond, verbal abuse (name calling, blaming, etc.) and my time. Two of my qualifiers are my sons, and they are very spontaneous (immature and poor time management). If they want/need me/my help, I've explained they must plan a bit ahead.
I do not keep secrets but I do not overshare (old habit). If I am asked where I am going, I will share. But, I don't go out of my way to find everyone, tell them my plans, over-explain why, etc. I can simply say, "I have plans already."
I do not J-A-D-E (justify, argue, defend, explain) - I say what I mean, I mean what I say and I don't say it mean. Being sarcastic is a common trait of Al-Anoner's and I've worked hard to drop it with my qualifiers as it just adds fuel to a slow-burning fire that I choose to not stoke.
I will get up and leave the room, the table, the house if I am not comfortable with the conversation and/or the dialogue. I no longer say anything, I just say, "Excuse Me" and depart. I owe nobody an explanation for self-preservation and/or sanity-preservation. I spent many years acting as if I had the answers, I knew best, I was super-woman, and trying to please and cover for everyone. I now am 100% OK with being sad, mad, distant, uncertain, etc. and leaving for quiet time to pray/meditate. I also no longer feel the need to win arguments and/or drive my point home - it's just not necessary any longer.
The best way to set boundaries is to work with a sponsor or trusted program friend. This way, you can get validation that they are a true boundary and not an effort to control another person/situation. Also, your boundaries will possibly change as you recover. Things that were 'hard stops' for me in the beginning have become less rigid as I've worked recovery, understood the disease and learned how to detach from the disease and not the person.
HTH!!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Great summation - and yes....they are! For me, the disease took away my sanity, my self-worth and my power.....the program gave it back to me, day by day, moment by moment. I learned that I could become the best version of me without blame, fear and negativity. Acceptance allows other to do what they need to do, and allows us the freedom to regain our power of choice.
Keep asking questions and keep processing. There is always hope for peace and serenity/sanity!!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Of course there would be (unhealthy) push-back, since he is still very primitive in his recovery so far. But it is true that Al-Anon says that you can set your boundaries where you think they should be and simply disengage if they are crossed. I agree that it does sound as if it's a danger that he's putting too much responsibility for "saving the marriage" on your shoulders. Plus he sounds full of anxiety, which is making him pushy. But his job is to work his recovery and keep to his side of the street.