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Hello, I have never done anything like this before but I am hoping this will help me! I was recently married last March 2015. I was able to help my husband quit smoking. I thought he was still a non smoker, I had my doubts and asked him multiple times to fess up if he started up again. He always had an excuse or made me think I was crazy for asking or accusing. Recently my 6 year old step daughter told me he was smoking and that he had around her before. I was so hurt. He was lying! And smoked around my stepdaughter. He had her lying to me as well. I wrote him a letter (bc I was too mad and upset to talk calmly) I told him how bad it hurt me, not only that he is smoking but that he lied to me. To find out he only quit for two months... so he has been lyingour entire marriage about I. Sneaking around me but smoking in front of eveeveryone else when I am not around. How could he lie like this? And for a year! He told me he was scared to tell me but I gave him so many opportunities. So he is a liar & a smoker now. He should have trusted to come to me. I love him so much. He has broken my heart. It happened sunday and I am having a really hard time with it. He said he is quitting this week coming up but that doesnt makr me feel any less hurt. How do I move on from this!? I am not ready to forgive him & I dont understand how he could hurt me so bad any help is appreciated! Thanks for listening!
Hi Wife I do not think that I can be of any assistance to you ,since I do not have any experience with someone lying about smoking . I have had my partner lie about not drinking and that was devastating because of the fear I had over dealing with the fatal disease of alcoholism.
I found a support group (alanon and this Board), where I was given new tools to live by. I could then regain my focus and learn to have the courage, and wisdom to live life on life's terms. I learned that I responsible for how I act and another is responsible for their actions. I am in fact powerless over people ,places and things.
I know that addicts lie to protect their addiction and interpreting this lie as an insult to myself is simply" distorted thinking";. Learning how to let go of unrealistic expectation's and uncover my own true motives helped me to have compassion, empathy and love, regardless of how another acts.
I echo what HotRod has said. Additionally - perhaps ponder (a) why smoking away from you and your daughter bother you so, and/or (b) if it's really the lying that's the bigger issue. Anyways, good luck.
Remember we cannot cure it, cant control it and didnt cause it... I know for me I tried to quit smoking many times - for my kid, for my husband. It didnt work until I was ready to quit.... I had to be ready to put it down for myself and no one else. I knew I could get sick, die even - it didnt matter I wanted it.
The good news is by working the steps on this you can learn to be happy, whether he is smoking or not. With an open mind, recovery can begin. I am powerless over alcohol, people, places, smoking and things. When I do try and control it/them my life becomes unmanageable and I lose my serenity and peace.
Keep coming back!
__________________
Kats
To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you - Lewis B. Smedes
Smoking is a very difficult addiction to quit. Im sure he doesnt continue to smoke to hurt you. I'm sure he lies because he feels completely unable to stop smoking. Smoking is a risk to his health. It is an awfully strong addiction, yes you've bee lied to and he hid it from you, but really its not about you. Making it about you and your feelings just adds another layer on top of the real issue which is this persons Addiction. He has to want to stop. You cant make him. You dont havd to like it. You may wish to have boundaries, such as not sharing a bed with a smoker because of the smell, or not paying his share of health insurance.ultimately one decides what they can and can't put up with in a marriage.
Good luck to you.
Smoking is an addiction like a41 said. Its very difficult to quit, just like any other addiction like drinking and drugs.
There are drugs in cigarettes guaranteed to keep you hooked. Maybe you can suggest Vaping, all the young people are doing it. There are vapes with no nicotine also.
You might want to consider boundaries . Just know you are powerless over his smoking. He is not deliberately trying to hurt you. He is mostly hurting himself.
I think Alanon might be able to help you, Don't know if they have groups for smoking addiction..but I think the tools for you would work for you.
Thank you all for your comments! I will consider everything you have said. I think I need to look into alanon more. I do not know anything Bout it yet..except that there is a blog, like a support group.
any help is appreciated! Thanks for listening!