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My husband and I have been married for almost 27 years. We have 3 children in their 20s who are grown and out of the house. My husband has always been a heavier drinker than I am. I am not a teetotaler by any means, but hardly ever get buzzed and can count on one hand (with leftover fingers) how many times I've actually gotten drunk. He does not drink heavily all the time, but every so often he really ties one on and can become very angry and scary. There were incidents over the years where he would drink way too much and it would create a problem of some sort- obnoxious at a party, passed out in the back yard, verbally abusive, etc. It would happen occassionally- every few years at a party or some event.
The past 18 months to 2 years his drinking seems to have accelerated. There have been a few+ times where he drank way too much and drove home (when I wasn't with him to drive). Obviously that is bad for many reasons- he could hurt someone else or himself, or get a DUI which, with his job, would be really bad. A couple times he has become very verbally abusive and seemed to want to get into a big fight, which I avoid by being passive at the time, since I can't reason with him in that state.
Once, about a year ago, it got very bad and escalated into him making a real ass of himself in front of close friends (usually it's just me), deciding to hide from everyone and then walk home many miles in the dead of night. I got text after text of name calling and insults. When I found him and stopped he threw things at the car (his shoes). He later threw more things at me (well, I was in the car) and even grabbed a pole from our garage and made like he was going to break the windshield with me in the driver's seat.
After this event he was very apologetic and "behaved" for awhile. The good behavior times are getting shorter, however, and there have been other occurrances since then, though not quite that scary.
Now we're in a situation where his (fairly) new group of work friends/couples are heavy drinkers who go out to the same restaurant/bar every week and we are expected to join. I defer when I can, but apparantly it ruins his fun if I don't come too. So I get to watch them all get progressively louder and more obnoxious, while I stop at one beer and switch to water so I can drive. (Not that I mind at all staying sober, I don't want or need to drink like they do.)
Last night my husband had about 6 Jamesons on the rocks on an ordinary Tuesday night. He didn't get violent, but towards the ends of the night I could tell he was right at the tipping point and so I went to bed to avoid escalation. This morning he knew I was upset and we had words (not a screaming match) where I tried to tell him that his drinking is a problem in our relationship and that I am scared because I never know when he will tip over the edge. Basically he said he understands that, but short of giving up drinking entireley, he doesn't know how he'd fix it. He also said if I "made" him give up drinking, what would I make him give up next? (I'm not even sure what that means??) Things are pretty tense right now, even though we're both at our respective works. I'm sitting at work scared about how he will be when we get home.
Long story short, it doesn't happen all the time, but more frequently lately. I don't know what to do and he doesn't think he has a problem. Oh, and we are hunters so there are weapons in the house. I've already got a strategy to change the gun safe lock code if he is drinking and I think it will make me feel safer if he can't get to them. Which, is pretty messed up to feel that I've even got to think about it...
-- Edited by acook on Wednesday 16th of March 2016 12:17:02 PM
Acook Welcome. Thanks for taking the time to share your concerns with such honesty and clarity.
Alcoholism is a self diagnosed, chronic, progressive disease that can be arrested but never cured. Since it is a disease, we need to accept that we did not cause it, can not control it and cannot cure it.
Living with the disease causes many to develop negative coping tools to survive and since we are powerless over the disease, the best we can do is search out a recovery program for ourselves. Alanon is that program and face to face meetings are held in most communities . The hot line number is in the white pages and I urge you to attend. It is here that I broke the isolation caused by living with the disease and developed healthy tools to stop "reacting" and learned to "act" in my own best interest,
Boy I can relate to a lot of what you said, as it has been my life too! Just know you are not alone in this! Betty hit the nail on the head above, just know by working an alanon program your life can become peaceful, we can learn to love ourselves, set boundaries and figure out what we want. I have learned for me that I was sick too, just trying to live life and keep the peace while self sabotaging me... I was not happy. Thankfully Alanon was here for me and showed me the way, your answers are here too... I would suggest going to a few alanon meetings. Also some good literature to start with is How Al Anon Works, Courage to Change and Discovering Choices.
Keep coming back, you are worth it!
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Kats
To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you - Lewis B. Smedes
Hello Acook - welcome to MIP...Glad you found us and glad that you found your voice and shared.
As Betty suggests, this disease is powerful and the only person who can diagnose your AH is himself. We do understand and while many of us may have a different series of events that brought us to Al-Anon or MIP, many of our feelings and efforts are the same/similar. You are not alone.
I also encourage you to find local meetings and attend some to get a feel for the program. If you can't find any local to your area, there are 2 meetings here twice a day. You can get the times and the link to the meeting room up to the top, left hand side.
Keep coming back!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
It is brave to ask these questions and you have expressed your story so clearly. Thank you for joining us. There are ways that we can learn to live in peace, regardless of someone else's drinking.
I have also been married for many years and it breaks my heart to see how this disease changes behaviour and relationships - really it is so sad. But it does happen. It sounds to me as though you are becoming fearful, and I know that when I reached that point the worry and tension really started to undermine my self-esteem. The good people here, and being able to talk with friends in Alanon meetings, helped me to recognise how tired I had become and how the way that I was living wasn't really helping me, or even my husband.
The main thing for me was to start to focus on myself, what did I need to do to stay sane and to feel comfortable. Having boundaries was a totally new concept to me, but it really helped. I found it reassuring to know that the behaviour that I was experiencing had been experienced by many others before me. It wasn't something that I caused.
Since your husband hasn't got a problem with his drinking or anger, which is probably just a projection of his own anger at himself by the way, you can't expect him to change. But you can change your own reactions. I started to respect my husband's right to choose what he wanted to do, and to adopt those same freedoms for myself as well. I thought about how I would react if anyone other than my husband treated me the way that my husband did that helped me to see where my boundaries lay and made it easier for me to think of a plan for the next time something happened that made me feel uncomfortable.
Keep coming back. there is a lot to learn. Sending warm and welcoming ((((((hugs)))))).
There are ways that we can learn to live in peace, regardless of someone else's drinking.