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Hi! :) I'm new to this site and I hope I'm doing this right.
My common-law husband is an incredibly mean drunk. He says the most hurtful things to me when he's drinking. He verbally attacks me and incredibly enough he verbally attacks my dog too (Who, incidentally, is an incredibly well behaved husky). I know he's really upset with himself so he takes it out on other people, but there's only so much I can endure... he gets drunk and yells at the top of his lungs about how the world sucks and so does everyone in it, no one understands him....he calls me a piece of s***, worthless, useless, stupid...we wakes me up yelling in the middle of the night because if he's not sleeping he doesn't think it's fair that I am. He calls me lazy (I work 40-50 hours per week as well as do ALL household chores, inside chores as well as outside, I look after his son, my stepson, and make sure he has his lunch for school, clean clothes, supper in his tummy, help him with his homework every night) HE literally sits on his ass or paces the house talking about how everyone else is so 'stupid' and useless, especially me...and the list goes on and on and on... I don't know what to do anymore.
Thanks for listening and thank you in advance for any advice!
-- Edited by Stella1 on Tuesday 15th of March 2016 10:31:44 PM
-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 16th of March 2016 06:27:57 AM
I do know that, but it doesn't seem to make it any easier :( I hate being ripped apart all the time. I hate waiting and worrying about what mood he's in today so I know what mood I'm going to be in... I don't feel at home in my own home anymore.
Stella - Welcome to MIP! Glad you found us and glad you found your courage to join in. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and it's also a family disease. Those who love or live with an alcoholic are also usually affected by the disease. Recovery is a personal journey - he may or may not ever get recovery and put the bottle down. However Al-Anon can probably help you - it's for family and friends of alcoholics who are affected by the disease and the diseased.
We work hard to keep the focus on ourselves and figure out how to find peace and joy no matter what they are doing. We have the three Cs in Al-Anon - 1. We didn't cause it. 2. We can't cure it. 3. We can't control it.
We don't give advice - the exception is abuse. Nobody should be abused by another - verbal, emotional, physical or psychological. We do suggest in these cases that you see if there are local resources that can offer assistance/guidance. I hope you will take some time to check for local meetings, attend some and see what you think. Keep coming back here too - you are not alone! We understand much of your experience as we've also lived with or loved an alcoholic.
(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
((((Stella)))) are there face to face meetings in Al-Anon Family Groups in your area. You have hooked up via the internet here and there are groups where you can go face to face and get lots more support real time. What Michael said is true...your qualifier is self talking ...He isn't un happy about anything...just everything starting about himself. He is a miracle waiting to happen however if he doesn't get to the point where he knows that he needs it there is nothing anyone including you can do to change him. Move away from the storm and go where the weather is more suitable. Keep coming back here often and reading the shares of the other members who have or have had it just as rough. ((((hugs))))
This is a perfect place to start even if you are an old timer like myself because the family and meetings and ESH are right at my finger tips. My meetings have real hugs and great one on one conversations and brothers and sisters who express so much beyond the computer screen. For sure this is my family as much as my home group and sponsor and such. Did you try checking in the white pages of your local telephone book for Al-Anon? Usually there is a good place to find someone. ((((hugs))))
Several years ago (2011) I found this site because I was somewhat in your shoes. I just want to put a stop to it all. At that time I was reading thru the posts here and I read they were speaking of detachment, steps, one day at a time, etc. but I didn't really understand what they meant. I didn't stop searching and looking for help. They've been mentioning Al-anon and I looked into what it is. Tried to look for Al-anon f2f meetings but till now there's none in my place. In desperation I met some people from AA who became part of my journey to discovering and learning about alcoholism. I tried to make do of everything that is available, read literatures, 12 steps, listened to speakers over You Tube -- googled Al-anon or alcoholic families, etc. I took what I believe can help and left for now what I cannot digest. It's not an overnight process, it really is one day at a time. I have actually forgotten signing up on this site until recently I discovered I was already here years ago, I really found that amazing. Keep searching, keep coming back as they say, and keep praying. You didn't mention anything about your spiritual life but In Al-anon 12 Steps, there is a step about GOD.
We don't know what the future holds for us... be glad to know & have faith that GOD holds that future for us. I'd like to share this prayer with you:
"Dear Lord please help my husband overcome his hardships and let him be free of his burdens that follow him. I pray that you guide him in the right direction and help him be a better husband and father. I pray Lord, that you help him have more patience and lead him from his binge drinking into a life closer to you. I pray Lord you keep our family together but only if its in our best interest. Lord in your name I pray! Amen!"
I understand what your going through and I agree this is mostly to do with how he feels about himself. Its also due to what hes been getting away with. This is unacceptable behaviour that for him has been accepted so he carries on. Its hard to change the habits of a lifetime. Its all about you changing. In my experience and from what I have learned in Alanon the change has to come from you.
I used to put up with verbal abuse and then I joined Alanon, went to meetings, got a sponsor learned to think differently and it all changed for me, all of it. I no longer put up with abuse of any kind and as long as Im in Alanon I never will.
One of the best ways of dealing with it was, I stopped listening to it. So, I would calmly and politely say, Im sorry you feel like that maybe we can talk later when your sober or calmer or not swearing and shouting then I would calmly leave the room. I just simply stopped listening to it! If he followed me into another room I would calmly state one more time that Im not willing to listen to swearing shouting name calling and I will leave the room again. I had to leave the house a couple of times to get the point across but under no circumstances did I stay and take it anymore. It stopped, like magic. We have the power to teach people how to treat us. Consistency is key. Do this every time and he will learn. There is no use talking it over. People learn what you do, talk is cheap.
Hope you get to alanon. Learn the tools and your life will change.
