The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
my exAbf and I are really good at sinking back into old patterns and staying connected through breaking up. the perks of an on-again-of-again relationship is that you have practive for breaking up each time (said with much sarcasm). thing is we never were good at breaking up. we'd be togther for years; break up and move a part for a year and then reconnect for years again. rinse and repeat (3 times).
this was before he began recovery; admitted a problem; etc. So it was "normal" just how our relationship worked.
Our relationship cant work like that anymore; it wasn't healthy and far from normal. I see the back and forth as a symptom of this disease now when I never saw it before. I know logically that I cannot bring the chaos back into my life; because he's barely started recovery and to be honest; I think he thinks he can fast track his way to sobriety; which, we all know will result in chaos again. Our relationship can't work like it did before because the trust that was broken may be irrepairable; because he's actively seeing another girl and yet is hiding it to protect my feelings.
And yet we are going back to old patterns of loose boundaires. We're broken up and he's moved out but he still has a key and mail at the house. He has no clue of what boundairies are and I am struggling prioritizing which ones to stand firm with first.
These loose boundaires are making be feel chaotic; and yet I don't know how to set them yet. Because; if I set them; then the relationship is truly over; friendship and all.
Old patterns of loose boundaries has always been our downfall. And yet as I sift through the feelings I have for him I bounce between what is love and what is codependency? were our old patterns just signs of codependency?
I know I want him in my life but I also know I can't live how I did for the past few years; I think I'm strong enough today to move past those old patterns...and yet I don't want to move past from our relationship and close the door for forever. And yet I know I can't have the door open right now because the chaos has no end in sight despite the words and feelings he shares with me...actions and choices trump old feelings now. My eyes are more clear to this; lets just hope my head and my heart follow suit.
You write what is so familiar to me that I could have written it. At a f2f meeting last week, the slogan, "Old ways won't open new doors" was given to me to think about. My reaction was "I don't want new doors. I want the good old doors", and of course, there are no good old doors. Like you said, too much chaos.
Then, as I was thinking about this, I read three separate things about gratitude (My Higher Power tends to hammer things in). I started acting "as if" - Being grateful for the things I have now, for the new learning and abilities I am developing, and, even though I didn't ask for it, acting as if I am grateful for my new independence.
Within a day, my "cloud" lifted, and I really and truly am grateful for the new. My sense, Crau, is that you don't have to close the door forever, but if you look over the threshold into the new, and not back at the old, you will see your way clearly, and will have the strength and the willpower to take whatever the next step is.
-- Edited by Rosemeyer on Tuesday 15th of March 2016 05:14:16 PM
-- Edited by Rosemeyer on Tuesday 15th of March 2016 05:15:17 PM
Crau - someone once suggested to me that I re-read what I wrote as if another close friend wrote it about their life. Sometimes acting as if it's not our world gives us a bit of creativity in problem solving. If you had a close friend describe this pattern to you, what might you think? What might you suggest?
As far as boundaries go, you get to write them, define them, set them and then enforce them. You get to decide if the door is closed for a day, a week, a month or more. You get to decide if you want him in your life and as what. You get to work on you, figure out what you want/need and then go forth accordingly.
Nothing changes if nothing changes. If you don't want/like/need the old patterns, make changes. Use the program, a sponsor and the steps and change you. When I began to work on me, and kept the focus on me vs. what my qualifier was or was not doing, I was amazed at how things appeared to change around me. What changed was my patterns which - cause and affect - changed outcomes.
I am a huge fan of gratitude lists and daily planning/living. When I begin to consider, project or ponder beyond today/tomorrow, it rarely if ever goes as planned.
Keep coming back - the program can help you help yourself!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
What a great post which comes from echos from the past...the early times and early lessons where I found out I could not only open the door and also take it off its hinges and then take down the wall that held it. I'm talking about learning about possibilities and that I was free to find and use any possibility I liked to get positive changes for me. That left my qualifiers asking "What are you doing"? and of course the answer was "coming up with new ways to live my life and be happy". They never considered the changes I was making and that was okay...they didn't have to. They could choose to do the same things over and over again expecting different results without learning that it was the definition of insanity before I found it out. Old Patterns with guaranteed insane outcomes...no longer. ((((hugs))))
