The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My fianc was 10 months clean when all of a sudden he suffered a freak accident and had to go into emergency surgery. I was proud that the whole day leading up to it (we did not yet know he would need surgery) he refused all narcotics and was honest with the staff that he was in recovery and would prefer non narcotic pain management. None of the non narcotics helped but he was a trooper. Obviously after the surgery he was prescribed pain meds. He took them as prescribed and now they are gone and all appears well as far as his recovery goes but he lost his job as a result of the injury and now I am the only one working (again) and I am all consumed by whether or not he is going to use while he is unemployed. Also, this whole ordeal has got me stressed about money as he did not have insurance.
Today he went to watch a movie with his cousin and I did not feel that was a productive use of his time and I flew off the handle and told him I was the only responsible one in the relationship and that if this had happened to me blah blah blah blah.
He never loses his temper with me but today he told me that he has been out of work for two days and he didn't feel like it was the end of the world that he went and watched a movie instead of doing laundry. He also said that he is going through a rough time and he has to go to his surgeon tomorrow and that honestly he didn't feel like it was fair that he is the one that is actually going through all this and that I was making it all about me.
Here is how it if for me. I feel like if I control the situation and keep him busy, then he wont get high. I feel like this is an opportunity for him to practice self growth and be productive within our household. All of this is based on what I would do and I am taking day two of no job and movie watching (when he cant work anyways due to his next surgery) as a sign that he has completely fallen off of the "living life right and by my standards" wagon
I cant stand the fact that he had to take narcotics and even worse, he handled it well (like a normal person). I figured this would certainly send him off the deep end with drug use and now that it hasn't I feel like I'm still waiting for it and its making me effing crazy. I feel like a fool for losing my mind about a movie. I feel like a fool for being engaged to a recovering addict. I hate myself for losing my mind when hes doing well right now. I hate him for being rational and calm through all of my crazy and not doing the merry go round with me. I want to fight and he is not giving it to me and quite honestly I am ashamed of my entire existence.
The better he does in the program the more unhappy and malcontent I become and he has gently and lovingly helped me become aware of this and I hate him for it. I just hate everything right now.
Hi kspec85 I am rather new here but I understand how you feel. I used to worry and fret every time my AH walked out the door to go to a meeting, the store, work, that he was going to drink. I used to "advise" him on how and when he should meet his sponsor. Then when he had enough, we would argue, and I would realize what I was doing and feel even worse. Now, when ever I feel that way I repeat the 3 c's if he was going to drink it didn't matter if he was doing what I wanted him to do or not, he was going to drink. Every morning I repeat step one in my head. Im sorry you are feeling this way.
There is something about when I get in this compulsive state of mind that gives me these delusions that I can fix, save, control, persuade, convince, etc. I know its wrong and then I lay the guilt down on myself and hate everything even more. I was hoping you would reply.
OK, here's the key - you actually acknowledge the problem. Believe me, alot of people are in denial. With where you are at, and how you are feeling, there really is only one way to fix it and get better. Go to meetings for Al-Anon, either online, or do a local search in your area to see where the meetings are.
You're basically angry, frustrated, afraid, fed up, worried, and on and on, and you don't know what to do about it. You can't fix it yourself. You know what you need to do to feel better.
And consider yourself blessed. My wife feels EXACTLY like you do, but she blames me for it and figures the only way to feel better is by divorcing me. She's terrified of looking in the mirror, and I don't know why.
The hard part for you is done, acceptance. Now you just have to roll up your sleeves and get to work. Alot of people won't even get to the acceptance part.
Wow, well done Kspec85, you have nailed that description of what goes wrong in my head!
I was just thinking this morning 'I didn't use to be like this.'
Anyway, just dropping in to let you know that you are not alone! We don't have to believe everything we think, and no need to beat ourselves up about it either.
Thank you for showing me that I'm not alone either. (((((Hugs)))))
My head can also relate! Also wanting you to know you are not alone.....I use the serenity prayer, sponsor, meetings, slogans, literature - anything that gets my mind focused back towards me and what I can do to enjoy this moment, this day - as best as possible.
For me, the more I practice using the tools, the more automatic they become in my mind. I will literally start a 'what if' thought, and interrupt my own brain with, stay focused on the here/now. Let Go and let God.....
We all have our moments of slippage. When I am able to look at what's going on, my issues usually stem from fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of loss, etc. If I can try to replace that fear with faith/action, it tends to not last as long.
(((Hugs))) for you - keep coming back!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Mahalo everyone for your shares...I hear the song "Memories" run thru my mind and spirit when this subject comes up and then I read shares like what IAH put out and it is exactly what I learned how to do back then back when. Don't forget where your tool box is when something just seems broke. (((hugs)))
My head can also relate! Also wanting you to know you are not alone.....I use the serenity prayer, sponsor, meetings, slogans, literature - anything that gets my mind focused back towards me and what I can do to enjoy this moment, this day - as best as possible.
For me, the more I practice using the tools, the more automatic they become in my mind. I will literally start a 'what if' thought, and interrupt my own brain with, stay focused on the here/now. Let Go and let God.....
We all have our moments of slippage. When I am able to look at what's going on, my issues usually stem from fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of loss, etc. If I can try to replace that fear with faith/action, it tends to not last as long.
(((Hugs))) for you - keep coming back!
I can't say focus on action. I know me and my "action" is to make rash decisions, accusations to do something etc. Faith is the best way I guess for me. Be still and know that God is God. I know that I want change.....yu know, as long as I don't have to change anything
I am afraid. I am absolutely terrified that i'm being duped and God is like, "Oh its so cute that she thinks hes getting better. Lets go ahead and wreck her life, wait for it.....wait for it.....NOW!"
That doesn't sound like a loving God. I know better. My fiancé and I had a long talk last night and he knows i'm scared and he was understanding of my fears but he and I both know that I cant allow this to make me crazy. When I get like this I am reminded that I really am just as sick as he is. I spent his active days feeling superior to him and just knowing that if he would just listen to me........
Thank you all for all of your responses. This board makes me feel like I am not alone. I am not yet brave enough to go to meetings if I'm being honest. I'll get there one day.
You are no longer alone - that's the beauty of recovery - it's an individual journey that WE take together!! (((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
((kspec)) There is hope I have been there and so understand. Meetings, sponsors and the Steps helped me to find the tools and "Courage to Change" myself:) Keep coming back
