We have friends we see regularly and the wife drinks frequently. When she drinks her behaviour annoys my AH. Yet sometimes it is the exact type of behaviour that he exhibits himself when he is drinking. So we have been talking about going on a vacation with them and he and her were texting back and forth about it. And late one night when I am sure she had been drinking she started texting him about what she would like to do. Because it is a celebration for her we told her to tell us what she wants to do. So she texted him with all these plans that made absolutely no sense. I just categorized it in my head as the "big talking and planning" I find alcoholics do when they are drunk. I just dismissed it and said we could talk about it when they came to visit. Hehowever did not and he engaged in a discussion and somewhat of a struggle with her to try to make sense of what she was saying. So he invested a lot of time, thought and energy into figuring it out. He talked about it the next morning expressing frustration and trying to plan how to address the confusion with her when we saw her. So we saw them this weekend and of course plans had completely changed from those text messages that she had sent him the night I believe she was likely drinking. In fact she seemed not to even be aware of the messages she sent him. So my AH is in a sober state and he's trying to figure out what happened. How did the plans change so drastically within a matter of two days? He was baffled and perplexed by the change in behaviour and plans. And it completely reminded me of many MANY times I had felt the same way with him. Before I recognized he was drunk at times I used to take everything he said seriously and would be often perplexed to wake up the next morning and realize that he had no plans to do any of the things he stated the night before. Meanwhile I had taken what he said to me and ran with it in my head. Blowing it completely out of proportion. I asked him if he wanted my take on it (this is a new behaviour of mine) and he said yes and I told him "I think she drinks in the evening so you may have been dealing with someone who was intoxicated and not thinking clearly". I saw him take that in.He can see the problem of alcohol in her but not in himself.He kept shaking his head and thinking about it. I doubt he will take anything in about his own behaviour but I thought it was interesting that he noticed this discrepancy. And that he had just as easily as I had in the past been pulled into the big plans and big talk of someone who was drunk.

I wasn't angry at him for once. In the past I would have seen this as the perfect opportunity to rub in his face his own behaviour when he drinks and that he does the exact same thing. I would have said "Now you know how I feel" and told him about the many many times he had done this to me. And he would have shut down and not listened and walked away and never spoken about it again. But I didn't do that stuff. I realize now my part in so much of this stuff that goes on between us. I could actually have empathy for him because I know how it feels to waste so much energy and time on something the other person doesn't even seem aware of the next day. And I just made the suggestion that he let her make a decision about where she wants to go and then when she has decided we can decide if we can swing it or not. With each day in the program I can feel the peace I am gaining. This was something that made me realize how much change I am seeing in myself. And because I am changing I see more openness in him. Sure I don't see the changes I want to demand in him but there are positive changes. Positive responses to my positive changes.