Had a fabulous day today.

It was a public holiday here. Labor day, when no-body works and everything is shut. Go figure. 

I had a great plan in mind. Go for a gym and swim with daughter, and then go to the movies together to see that movie she's been hassling me to take her to. The one that I said isn't really for youngsters and I probably shouldn't really take her to, (and then discussed with my friends who've seen it and decided to relent). So, I thought she'd be quite stoked with my plans, since she's been complaining that I haven't had much time to do stuff with her recently. I think I expected her to shower me with confetti and proclaim to everyone we met that she has the greatest mum in the whole wide world. But, nope. She barely looked up from her ipad when I greeted her in my sunniest 'good morning sunshine' voice. She grunted "meh" and "not really" to all of my suggestions and I do admit, I felt deflated, for a moment. I woke up with a plan, dammit!! And she was wrecking it!!

Anyway, I got over it. I had already made a plan to take today OFF from study (I've come to realise that I have a cycle. I climb out of my black periods and start working, studying and going at everything like crazy. I don't stop, I don't rest or sleep, and I burn out fast and bang, another big long time-wasting depression. I've been stuck in this cycle for years. So, I'm trying to make myself rest and have regular R&R days now, even when I'm full of energy and enthusiasm. Wow, it's weird and wonderful to be capable of and have an understanding of what constitutes self-care now. These past couple of years of al-anon discovery have really been an amazing introduction to myself. Do you know when I think back to 3 years ago, I honestly could NOT have told you what I liked, what I needed, or how to keep myself happy or healthy. I hardly knew a damn thing about myself, and I didn't care to know either!! Because happiness could only be found by making other people happy, donchano, and then having them tell me how necessary I am. Sad. Just sad. I think I even welcomed the burn-outs and depressions because on some level I thought I had to be sick or in pain to be worthy of care from others. Maybe that's even where the habit came from, who knows? What I do know is that it didn't work. Pushing myself to the edge never made others care for me. I had to learn to do that myself. Ooops, I'm babbling. Sorry.

So anyway, I left my grumpy tweenager on the couch with her stinky ipad. I do think it's very important to encourage her to get out and do stuff instead of following in my footsteps and isolating when she feels crappy. But not today; I can't drag her around in the sunlight 24-7. Today I needed to look after me. I had a moment of distress, do you know I spilled the dog's water on the floor by the back door, and even after mopping it several times it was just slightly damp. But those tiles are slippery! So I warned daughter to be careful and then, for a moment, I wasn't going to go out. Because what if...(insert horrific disaster scenario images here). Yes, I was actually going to stay home because the tiles were a little bit damp. In my defense, I think I'm still a bit shaky from her trampoline misadventure turned emergency room visit. Who wouldn't be. What if I hadn't been here, blahdy blah blah.

I did get out the door eventually, anyway. I went to the op-shop and bought some old gym clothes. Why am I shopping for second-hand gym gear when that's really kinda gross? I'm glad you asked. It's because Face-ache hasn't paid his child support again and we're really very broke. (Let's not go there anyway, because this is a happy post, not an angry face-ache post).But things are a bit grim;  I had to borrow $$ from my mum to see the dentist the other day when my filling fell out which didn't feel good. How can you afford the movies then Mel? I'm glad you asked. They have a deal on, $8 tickets. Even I can find $16. (It's good how I can anticipate all of the ways someone might criticise me and deflect it before they have a chance, isn't it? I do this in actual conversation. It drives people demented). Anyway I didn't have any clothes to wear to the gym and I had been using it as an excuse not to go so, some second hand stuff seemed like a sensible temporary solution. I also bought a really, really cool black lacy coat thing to add to my wardrobe filled with black lacy coat things. Yay! You can never have too many black lacy coat things.

Subsequent to my op-shop trip, I went to the pool, and swam for a long time and then enjoyed the hell out of the sauna. Came home and walked the wolf, ate the potato salad I'd made earlier, and giggled through big bang theory with daughter who was regretful and 'wished she had come, her afternoon was so boring". Oh well. Sux to be you, kid.

Spent most of the night working on a new writing project (It's SO nice to have my creativity back, I missed it SO much for so many long years). Do you know, I wrote my first novel after the breakup of my first long-term relationship and my second novel after my divorce and I believed...actually believed...that I could only write if I was in awful pain. That was the story I told myself. What sort of cruel stupid garbage is that? Insane. But I believed it, that I could either be happy or, i could be creative, but not both. 

Anyway. It's been a good day. No-one else made it a good day, I just had fun on my own being me and doing my thing. And I'm struck by how amazingly simple and perfect that is. And that it took me 39 years to learn how to do it. But oh well, that just makes it all the sweeter doesn't it?

Thanks for reading, anyway.

(((everyone)))

ps Song that came on just as I was finishing this...funny, I seem to be singing it towards my old ways of thinking more than towards an actual person nowdays. Interesting.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=596qaxm-u4o

-- Edited by missmeliss on Monday 14th of March 2016 01:54:40 PM