The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My ah and I seperated physically a year ago. Basically we live in different states. I raise the three kids and he pays the bills. We spend almost every weekend together as a family. There are advantages to this situation. Living with him drives me insane or makes me very tired. But over time the weekends have felt long and I can't wait for them to be over. We never have couple time alone. so basically we have seperate lives and entwined finances and a biological connnection to our kids. The kids are now 5, 3 next week and 20 months respectively. His drinking was amajor issue, binges threw me for a loop. Now when I look at myself after a year I feel like I've gotten my temper back in reign and there is enjoyment in raising the kids. The house is organised, the kids have routines, and they are getting the best of their mother. They came into my life when I was still carrying a lot of past pain. I can honestly say that wound is now a fading scar. I cut off contact with my own mother and with time and prayer I can see and say she is simply and sadly affected by the family disease. Doesn't change my love for her, just the amount of time we share. I am ok with that.
I decided I needed to file for banmruptcy in my country of origin and payed an accountant to do it. Then I fired her and sat with the words, take the action and let go of the results. Really had to take my time, pray for the courage and let that sink in. I am doing my own application and now feel truly that come what may, its all good. Just be done already. Now to the marriage front.
I often harp on about my children and that's because they are my all day every day job, and one is additional needs with classic non verbal autism. Things got so hard I had to pray about him too. I asked what his purpose was. He can't speak, go to the toilet, dress himself and is very hard to teach. And exceptionally good looking. But I feel sometimes I'm dragging water up hill with a leaky bucket. Like when he jumps in the bath with his clothes on, or runs up to strangers and grabs them or sticks his hand in the mayo jar then smears it on the couch. The answer I got was he is pure vulnerability, you need to teach your heart new ways to love. One day at a time because the future can only be conceived from my mind in a dark ambience.
My girls individually are another two kettles of fish. So all up yes motherhood is consuming and I do think of it as a job. It has demands, it has goals and it has kpi's lol. The government pays me and their father pays the bills. we are fortunate in that respect , I've lived in places and situations where that doesn't happen.
But oh boy, there's a saying where money can't buy happiness and misery comes free. Or marry for money and you'll earn each penny. I should add we are by no means rich but we are by no stretch hard done by.
So the weekends come and all my work goes out the window. It kills me. Our daughter is very smart. And talented. As a mother I love her but as a human being I know love isn't always fun. Its also discipline and people skills. I watch her being spoilt to the point I don't like her much as a small human.
Oops it posted before I was finished. Anyway, skipping forward to the marriage part. I decided we should break the last string and just split. Weekends were a scenario where the ah got to be fun dad while I was the nanny for the other two who are more dependent. And it really threw my schedule out. more over though I just didn't feel valued. Marriage is a partnership, we've never realy had that. Even though I kidded myself and ran like a rat on a wheel to do both of our sides we've never had it. So now after discussions its come down to the same thing. He says he built a wall. And I've been talking to myself. Duh. And we both agree we won't work out. So now I guess I just have to close my bed! Overall I think my conclusion at this stage is just that there is no point at all in picking everything apart. That's a new one for me. I've always done it but over the last year I've noticed that all it does is make me feel dramatic. And it brings me down. I'm 34. Learning bit by bit how to let life happen on lifes terms. Lots of love and thanks to our community.
((A41)) Your honesty , clarity and recovery did shine through in this powerful posting. It is evident that you have worked your program with much dedication and it has paid off.
You sound clear, non blaming, and centered on your self and the next right action. I heard a great deal of acceptance of "Life on life's terms" and appreciate that you took the time to share your process.