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Ex-AF emailed me to tell me he "knows" I'm snooping around in his accounts and trying to manipulate him and hurt is new relationship (I'm truly not...). Because of this, he wants nothing to do with me going forward. Ever. I sobbed telling him it wasn't true and not to do this... He wouldn't listen and hung up. I've tried to read literature, listen to a phone meeting, breathe slowly, get lost in a movie - it isn't working - I can't breathe. I can't deal with not speaking to him at all, ever again. Please help.
I'm sorry you are going through this. I understand that feeling of not being able to breathe. I just wanted to let you know someone is listening, and I'm sure you will hear from others before long.
At times of despair like this, the slogan that helped me was "One Day at a Time." No one knows what will happen forever into the future, but if I can manage just today, that is all I have to do. I found that talking with someone was helpful -- an understanding friend, people in an Al-Anon meeting, anyone that had some background to understand my situation. And, believe me, I've always been a private person and never wanted to burden someone else with my problems. But at a time like this, talking to someone was a lifeline, and I discovered that people didn't mind ... and in fact valued the opportunity to help by listening.
I've also heard, "Do the next right thing." If you were going to make a cup of tea, just do that. If you were going to fold laundry, just do that. Doing something physically productive in any way might be something to consider.
Of course I can't know what's going on with you ex but what i have come to figure about my ex husband is that he did this kind of stuff (and still tries, incredibly, 12 years after we divorced and he remarried!!!) because his new wife isn't like me, she stands up to him and I doubt she takes his abuses too deeply. Now I am guessing here and it's not great to dwell on someone else's motives but I started to wonder if he wasn't seeking the 'thrill" of tearing a woman down into tears and that was why he continued to make communications just like you describe. Once I stopped reacting to it in any way and maintained that for a long time he gave up. I have noticed that whenever i hear reports of trouble between he and new wife, he starts up this kind of crap again with me; I think it's the need to bully and cause hurt, and no-one ever met that need as well as me so of course he keeps coming back looking for it lol.
Anyway even though you can't know his motive, I'd say it's pretty clear he wanted to upset you and keeping that in mind instead of trying to argue the nonsense he spouted at me made it a lot easier for me to work through it and detach. I would do something extra nice for yourself today if you can and do whatever you can to release him from your thoughts. There's a meeting here in an hour
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
What kind of a person would do something that cruel and unwarranted? Something to think about might be why you would be sad or devastated not to have further contact with a person like that. Would you tell a friend, "That man is abusive and insulting and drives you to tears - please hang on to him, whatever you do! That's just the kind of man you need!"
But I agree with Meliss, this is a game I've seen a whole lot. If someone really wanted not to be in touch with you, why would they get in touch with you? Why not just stay off the phone? He's doing it to get a reaction and to have the pleasure of feeling powerful and pushing someone around. And since we tend to regard our A's in the same way small children regard their parents (because that's where our reactions were formed), at the idea of them going away, we're often thrown into an irrational panic. But remember that F.E.A.R. = False Evidence Appearing Real. It's just feelings, it isn't reality.
In truth, sadly A's are hard to get rid of. Even when we're heading into serenity and our own new and happier lives, they try to reel us back in. That's just what happened, didn't it? His calling you isn't proof he's leaving, it's proof that it's hard to get rid of him.
I hope you'll work your program hard - the craziness of the A's means we need lots of program to keep our serenity.
J try this perception of what you think it is about your condition. Think on it and roll it around in your mind for a while. It helped me tons when I was in the same condition.
It is not that "I can't deal with not speaking to him at all, ever again." but that I won't deal with it. The difference between helplessness and hopelessness. (((hugs))
Freetime - Thanks so much for your reply. I am really trying to operate under the one day at a time idea, but am admittedly struggling with it - with my emotional state, as well as my physical predicament.
MissMeliss - I cannot believe your ex still tries to do that s**t to you. I truly dont understand it. I would love to release him from my thoughts. I am just struggling so badly. In the past, my go to outlet was spin class. Now that I am sick and bedridden, everything is just front and center - and seems so endless and dire. So glad to hear how well you ar doing, btw. Thanks, as usual, for your response.
Mattie - I would absolutely tell a friend to stay away... 100%. That is what i mean when I've said that intellectually i think I know he is no longer the man I knew or fell in love with, but my heart is loud and insisting that man is still in there somewhere. You (and MissMeliss) are right about the reaction, although I must admit I dont see the payoff. I'm ashamed to say I definitely gave him a reaction... Not one of my finer moments. I am trying to work my program via literature and this website - which is a struggle, but the best I can do while physically incapacitated. Thanks a million for your continued support and ESH.
Jerry - Thank you for that perspective. I will definitely consider that.
Please do not engage crazy with crazy. It doesn't pay to try and rationalize with an irrational person .. sometimes that irrational person happens to be me. These types of engagements never end well and trying to JADE yourself with someone who is drunk .. you might as well be talking to a brick wall because it's completely pointless. No response sometimes is best be it not answering the phone or blocking his number at this point. Those are things I did to help restore my sanity.
There is an AA saying that is Move a muscle change a thought. If nothing else is working, sometimes just going out for a walk or taking a bath .. doing something that is not related to the XA helps me a great deal and I can insert whatever situation into that place and it really does help. Gratitude lists are huge and I do an A - Z one when I feel horribly overwhelmed.
I always have to remember sometime too .. I know my truth .. if my XAH calls me a chair .. does that make it true? Only if I believe it.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Serenity, Thank you so very much for your response. I don't believe he was actually drunk when he reached out, but either way - was and is not in recovery by any means. I am limited by how many activities I can do to escape my thoughts due to my current physical illness, but I will keep pushing nonetheless. I actually did block his number (not his email though), which was a big step for me. Just struggling so badly in every sense. Need something to give.
Honestly it doesn't matter if he was drunk or not. That is straight up abusive behavior.
Any time someone breaks another person down to make themselves feel better it's emotional/mental abuse and it is not ok. I don't care if it's the codie doing it to the addict or vise versa. Not telling you what to do by any means .. however if it looks like abuse and based upon my experience sounds like abuse then for me that's what it is.
Good for you on blocking his number it will get easier with time as you get better and can see/hear how crazy that kind of behavior is and the reactions are to that behavior it will get easier to say that's not ok.
I remember my XAH's mother calling drunk as all get out screaming at 1AM or some God awful hour of the morning about how horrible her children were and watching my XAH just sit and listen to the garbage she spewed. I literally just took the phone and said I'm sorry you aren't feeling well. It would be better for you to call and have this conversation when you are feeling better. We love you and will talk to you later. I hung the phone up. I shocked the whole family when I did that because no one had ever taken that kind of stance in regards to their mother and it was more shocking that she actually apologized the next day. We no longer got phone calls at that hour of the morning. They started calling at 5am on Saturday and Sunday .. LOL after I worked until 1230AM .. that's another story .. I had hoped my XAH would at that point take a stand unfortunately he never did and that was a huge resentment for me. Especially being pregnant and working the hours I did.
Anyway, boundaries are good with any relationship and finding what is and is not ok for you is ok. One of my personal boundaries is shutting my phone off and choosing who I engage with at what hour of the day as well.
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
