The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Has anybody successfully recovered and stayed married? I know a long list of things I don't have to do anymore. And the top of my to-do list is to take care of myself. But how in hell does anyone stay in a relationship???
I was able to reconnect with my hubby , by pursuing my recovery at all costs. I worked the Steps with a sponsor, returned to my career after being a stay at home mom and made many changes to suit my needs. It worked. He remained sober and passed from cancer after being sober for 6 years. i am grateful for those years.
I was not, however in my Alanon home group there were many people who successfully stayed married regardless if the A was drinking or not. It's not easy. What I have observed is usually when the A gets sober the codie gets much worse. All of a sudden all of those behaviors that used to work no longer work. And/or the A got sober and it turns out they were both so different they just did not choose to find their way back and decided it was best to cut and move on.
All of these people had the same ingredients going .. they worked a very, very strong program, they have a sponsor, they attend meetings (some went 3-4x a week if possible) they have a life, and it doesn't matter if the A is drinking or not .. they know they will be ok. They made huge changes in their own lives, own goals and so on. Of all of the partnerships I knew of only 1 had a spouse that was outside of program the others both were in program and both found their way back to each other.
Big hugs and hope you will find a face to face in your area!
S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
It's a total crap shoot. I do think if both are seeking help/recovery, the chances are far greater for the marriage to make it. In my situation, my codependent wife feels I've never been there, never loved her, and she could never count on me. I never made her happy. If she is sad, depressed, or angry, it's because I made her that way. She refuses to go to Al-Anon or get help for any of it, says she really loves me, but she's "tired of trying to make it work".
And so, I continue to bang my head against the wall (actually, that's what she's doing. I'm working my program).
I am still in my marriage - I am in recovery in AA and Al-Anon and he is not (one of my qualifiers). It's all about learning that happiness is an inside job, and aligning my expectations with my reality. I had to let go of my fairy-tale perceptions and of expecting/wanting a 'perfect life'. There is no such thing as a perfect life.
Keeping my energy focused on me and my recovery, and allowing him to do what he's going to do has been perfect for my life. It's not my job to make him happy either - that's his job.
There are other threads here where some have shared...
It's all about who you really are and what you really need. The program and steps helped me to see that and to lead me to today.
Keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Ive been in marriage a year and a bit longer than I thought I should be. Its meant letting go of all the things I thought were important and reduced it down to a very bland coupling. How the hell does one stay married to an alcoholic? Not easily. But please keep coming back. Meetings and fellowship are so important.
Wheww...what a question! Love your pic of the doggies BTW! Are those yours??????
Well, I am still married------26 years now..........through alot of stuff, his porn addiction, his affair, his brain injury, and now his A!!!!!! I can't say our marriage is at all great or even good these days, but it is my family, my home, my life. I wish it were better, I wish I had a decent man, but I do not. Since his brain injury he is a different person than the one I married. He says he will never cease drinking either. So he will never be in a program, I've accepted this, and am stopping trying to change him, or even expecting that one day he will change. I must change, work on myself, and make my life happy. This is what Al-anon is about, US. Making our lives better ourselves! Not expecting someone else to make us happy, (big lesson for me). I have been in misery for so many years, thinking my AH was the source of all my grief, (well he really is), but what can I do about it?????? That is the question.
I think when there is love, and when the A truly wants to do whatever is necessary to get better such as being in AA, there is hope. I know in my heart, that is not the case for us. My AH hates himself and hates me. He's said he wishes I would divorce him. He is mean and nasty, verbally abusive, unaffectionate, like a shell of a man living actually. No one is exactly sure how his Traumatic Brain Injury affects this, but his A sure does.
I am in the process of getting myself better first, not drinking myself, working on being controlled, confident, happy, and then figuring out how to move forward. Everyone's situation is so different. For me, it's very hard to even think of ending a 26 year marriage! If I was younger, especially had no kids, and a career, I would leave for sure!!!!! But I am not.
Just ask your HP for guidance is the best thing to do I think. And eventually the answers will be revealed!
We have. It took a lot of really hard work from both of us. It was touch and go for some time. But, he put as much work into his recovery and our marriage as I did and that is the key to having a really healthy marriage. I can't say our marriage is perfect, but no marriage is. But we are healthy and happy and we have a strong marriage now. And I have Al-Anon to thank for my side of that. If not for al-Anon it would never have been possible for us to have the relatively healthy family we have now.
That's my story, though and everybody has to make those choices for themselves. I would never try to tell somebody else whether to stay of go. Just keep working your program and life gets better. That's what I know.
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
This sounds like a question I would have asked about a year ago. When I came to Al Anon I had little to no hope for my marriage. My AH was still drinking and hadn't reached his bottom yet. I can say that a marriage can work. Mine has only gotten stronger now that we have addressed the elephant in the room and I am no longer in denial. This past year has been so hard but my AH found sobriety in June and has been doing great. I thankfully found Al Anon and found that I had a lot of work to do on myself to be happy. I do think that it can work but looking back, if my AH hadn't gotten sober I am not sure if our marriage could have survived. I was very close to taking the kids and leaving and I had a very hard time detaching with love. This October will be our 10th year anniversary and I can't think of a better man to celebrate with. There is hope out there.
