The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I spent my childhood, sheltered in an abusive home. that I never really realized was abusive till years later. I guess when you're little you think your home is normal. Especially, when your parents keep you literally in your room. Both were alcoholics and although i'm sure they loved me, the scars that they put on me I carried around not knowing the full damage of this childhood till they both were gone. Yes there was abuse of both kinds. I find that the verbal abuse throughout my life has had a far more crippling affect. It plays in your head over and over and over. I always was the peacemaker growing up. I was a good kid and only wanted my parents to love me and see that I wasn't bad at all. That I had dreams and wanted to do good things. I felt growing up that I was such a strong, independent person and wanted to find my way in the world. However, it seemed the choices my parents made for me taught me to be anything but. My dad ended up dieing young I think I was 20 and my mom went into a depression that I did my best to try to help. She got a gruesome cancer and her bf did at the same time. I spent a year looking after them both. Changing bags of cancer in a bag and being yelled at to kill my mom cause the pain was so bad. They both died and I was left with PTSD. My love life well.. I married a man that loves me more than anyone could I think. He never raises a hand or his voice. He saw my childhood and did everything to make me happy. He is my best friend. But not my lover. Lived separate in our home for the last 10 years. Poor b****d fell in love with a woman who had no clue what she watned or desired in a man. So we decided to live separate. He I think secretly hoping I would love him like a wife; which can't happen for me. We didn't divorce for financial reasons and he wanted time to do a proper settlement that didn't leave either of us living on the street. Made sense to me so I went with it. In the mean time I met and fell in love with a man in California. He has a criminal background based on events through a tragedy that led to him drinking and popping pills. I related to him and his pain and we fell in love. He then several years ago started drinking again. He cheated on me while I was back in Canada and his drinking got worse. The verbal abuse and manipulation to please him sexually, emotionally, financially, I just couldn't give enough. I could go into more and more details, but needless to say I'm in this abusive relationship with an alcoholic again. How the f*** did I get here when I swore as a little girl when my parents were doing what they were doing that never. never never never would I allow booze to do this to me. Yet here the f*** I am. Being told I'm an ugly f*** c***, stupid, disgusting and how do I look in the mirror when my bf is so sexy and toned and bla bla bla. Sober he is the sweetest guy. Drunk he is the most verbally abusive person I ever met. He can't stop. Then he twists everything to my fault. I'm such a b***. It's like intellectually I look at myself and say look...your childhood is repeating in this relationship and you are trying to please, to make peace yet again. I have guilt over a man that loves me that I can't love and a man I do love that treats me like s***t when he drinks. I'm trapped, I'm lonely and I'm so tired of booze having control over my life. I'm this grown woman who has now, no clue how to stand on her own two feet. Scared, hurt and at times I just well... want to die (not that I would ever be that selfish to do that to my son) .I want to be strong and realize I have done nothing wrong but let booze control my life even though I never took a drink. To have my whole life f*** off caz I was this little girl locked in her room that tried to please everyone. Now I have no clue how to even live or even know who I am. Not wanting to hurt my husband, trying to please a boyfriend who hurts me. Does anyone ever escape the pain that booze brings in their childhood life to their adult life? Or does it just control me forever. The answer I'm sure is this....As long as I let it control me it will. However... I'm choosing to love someone else not myself yet again...
-- Edited by feistychick on Saturday 12th of March 2016 03:41:24 PM
-- Edited by feistychick on Saturday 12th of March 2016 03:48:34 PM
-- Edited by hotrod on Saturday 12th of March 2016 05:08:26 PM
Millions of people recover. I grew up with two alcoholic parents, in a condemned building. The kids at school were ruthless, because I always had dirty clothes on. I used to go to the park around the corner, sit on the bench, and cry. I cursed at God. I always asked - "Why are you doing this to me? I never even asked to be born?"
Needless to say, running from problems and never feeling "as good as" became second nature to me. It's also no shock I was a full blown alcoholic by the time I was 17.
Lots of pain, lots of crying, lots of anger, lots of fear, but I got better. I stuck around, and was just sick & tired of feeling that way, and living like that.
I'll tell you this - it's not easy. Dealing with those unresolved issues, facing those fears, the anger, the pain, it's not fun, but when you come out the other side, you really appreciate life again.
Well, I searched this page out. First day here. Clearly, I have some issues that are contributing to being in these circumstances. a learned behaviour from my youth I take it. But at 47 years old I also realize if I do not get a handle on what is going on in my life. I will be dead and never lived, laughed, loved. Which is all I wanted to do
Alcohol is a symptom of my disease. I drank because I wanted to escape. I didn't want to feel the way I felt - less than, abandoned, angry, not good enough, depressed, unworthy, afraid. You don't have to be an alcoholic to have the same feelings & fears, and not know what to do about it. I hear in meetings all the time, and it's true - "We're the lucky ones. There are tens of millions of people walking around, feeling the same as us, the same fears, insecurities, etc, but they don't know what to do about it. We do."
That's where the 12 steps come in, whether it's AA, Al-Anon, GA, Codependency, and on & on. Working the steps is what gets us better. You're in pain right now, but you can get better. You're obviously on the right path if you are here asking for help. That alone takes strength & courage.
You look like a beautiful young woman to me with a beautiful soul.
Isnt it a shame we cannot pick our families, but on one hand life has filled you with profound everything and it shows you who you not become. How could you chose anything else but an addict to love, you have no examples , and were treated so badly as a child. You may even feel that you cannot trust anyone that does treat you kindly.
Alanon can surely help you along with some extra help from a counselor or therapist, especially since there was so much abuse.Please keep coming back to the message board, there is so much experience and encouragement. For you are worth it feisty, you can change that image you have of yourself an really learn to love yourself and to expect good things in your life.
Hugs to you and wishing you all the best.Keep coming back.
Bettina
Thx for reaching out to a newbie. I have no clue where to begin healing; or if I even can. If I knew my boyfriend was going to drink I would have ran faster than Bolt at the Olympics. I swore never again would someone with booze bring me down....Yet, once you love someone you're kinda f***. At least I am. I couldn't walk as a little kid, now I can, yet I take it, over and over and over. Hence, I realize there is a problem with me. Having a drinking problem is one thing. But being abusive while you drink that is another. Yet I don' walk. Not sure my problem is with alcoholics or abusers. Not all alcoholics are abusive, yet my parents were and now the man I fell for. If I play shrink, I realize that I learned to accept my parents and tried to fix them. Make them love me, to stop hurting me. The same tactics I now find myself doing with my boyfriend. I know only he can stop. I realize that. But what I can't stop is allowing him to be abusive and accepting it. I take it to the point at times I fell suicidal. Not that I ever would, but that is how low he makes me feel. A boyfriend shouldn't degrade, insult and make me feel that way. We should be each others soft place. He should never say the things he does. I should never have accepted them coming out of his mouth without either socking him (just kidding) well kinda lol but more importantly walking...
-- Edited by hotrod on Saturday 12th of March 2016 05:10:29 PM
I know how hard it is to be raised in a dysfunctional family - and even more so, to leave someone you love (in both the physical and emotional sense). That being said - I am going to say something that perhaps may be out of bounds, but I would be remiss to not... When you as being physically abused, there is no question whether or not you should leave. I'm sure that is hard to hear - but you are in danger. This is not to downplay emotional abuse (my personal experience) in the least - which you seem to also be receiving quite a lot of - but when it comes to violence, you must get away. I'm so sorry for what you're going through.
There's a comfort we find in the chaos. On one hand we hate it and get tired of it. On the other hand, it's familiar and all we know, so we're "comfortable" with the situation. Maybe not happy and content, but in a convoluted comfort, because it's what we're used to.
I think that's where you're at. The only way to change that is, start doing different things. Talking to other people here. Going to Al-Anon or codependent meetings would help.
Face to face meetings are a good beginning
To your healing journey if you are ready. It
Takes willingness to change and grow.
Many come from painful childhoods some
Worse than others. It's what we do when we
Are adults and begin to know better and
are ready To do something about it.
Alanon is about focusing on you so you
Can get better.
My boyfriend has never raised his hand to me. He uses his mouth only. I think personally, I would take a punch much better. Maybe from my karate background. Physical pain doesn't hurt.. Just verbal. Bettina and Michael ty so much. It truly touches me that you reached out to me. Very kind of you both. Michael, comfort in chaos...you might be right. It is what I know. That pain of being hurt, yet I did marry a man who never did that to me not for one day. Yet I don't love him as a wife. Wish I could. but to me he is like my brother. the only safe haven I have is him. I know he would never hurt me and would do anything for me. Probably why, I love him like a brother... I don't know. Looking from the outside it is easy to see what is going on with me. The hard part is for me to not accept the unacceptable. Something I seem to do.
I must have misunderstood your words then. Perhaps leaving isn't as urgent, but I maintain my position (he calls you disgusting and a c**t...). That is all I'll say, as you seem to have taken offense to my reply. Best of luck to you.
oh no I didn't take offence in the least. geez if I can take what he says daily. nothing you could say could hurt trust me. I just wanted to clarify he has never been physically abusive ever. I didn't want someone to think he was beating the crap out of me is all. Sorry if I somehow made you feel that I was anything but appreciative of your reply; which I was
Aloha Feisty and welcome to the board...This MIP family is very supportive and nurturing Take your place and come back often. Try not to bring the offensiveness with you; there a lots of family members here who have come thru what you have...we try not to trigger each other only bring each other closer and closer to recovery.
I am a "double winner" meaning a full member of both Al-Anon and AA I carried a lot of dysfunction with me where ever I went. I carried it from within the disease I was born and raised in...I knew better just didn't go better. I didn't know better in fact I didn't know that I didn't know. It took me two trips to get in and stay in the Al-Anon Family Groups...I've done what the member ship here suggests to newbies and others and more. Al-Anon is the only process that helped me to change and AA is that process that keeps me from leaning toward Alcohol and other drugs to find solutions physically.
In my journey I have included college on the subjects of alcoholism and drug addict and my focus was behavioral health which in the disease isn't at all healthy. One thing I learned is that very often the verbal attacks are more hurtful than the physical ones. I abused my alcoholic/addict second wife both ways and she handled the physical abuse more easily than the verbal abuse. I got the demonstration first hand and later it drove a depression in me because I came to understand and admit that no one without exception deserves to be treated that way even though she once told me she did. I made my amends to her and others I harmed with that attitude and personality.
I apologize to you for the abuse...you have not deserved it...I pray it has ended for good.
Again welcome to the board. Keep coming back and leave the disease behind you. (((((hugs)))))
Hi feisty I met you last night in the room. I am so happy that you keep coming back. Listen, Learn, Grow My childhood was nothing like yours, but there was alcohol. A lot. I have bounced from one abuser to another. Emotional, verbal, physical only once... We live what we know, its comforting in a weird way. For me, if I let myself get caught up in their drama, I am able to prove my worth, not to anyone else but myself....because if I can get the unlovable to love me, then all my qualifiers loved me. For me its a big case of codependence. I hope you keep coming back. You deserve to be happy.
Welcome to MIP feisty - glad you found us and glad you joined in and shared.
Alcoholism is considered a family disease - it reaches well beyond the person drinking. We who live with this disease understand the chaos, drama, craziness and pain it can bring. There is hope - there is always hope.
Before I came to recovery, I felt hopeless, helpless and very broken. By having an open mind and an open heart, because I met my bottom, I was able to listen and learn a new/different way of being. I no longer just exist, I live and laugh and love + enjoy my life.
Glad to hear you attended an online meeting - keep doing anything program related you can and it will begin to help you and you'll want more and more....that's been my experience for those who remain teachable (humble), open minded and willing.
Keep coming back!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
