The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As long as it took me to get through step one, I look at step 2 and think wow ok This is going to take me awhile. Because I have serious trust issues. Its not that I don't believe in God, who is my Higher Power, its that I have kind of lost my faith. For so long my glass has been half empty. Very little belief that anything will work out positively. Resentful of all the responsibilities I had because of all the qualifiers in my life. Sometimes I think I am my own worst enemy and I make things so much harder than it has to be. I know it took me a long time to get to where I am and it will take a while to get where I want to go and change years of anger, resentment, and mistrust. Just for today kind of works for me. Just trying to wrap my head around all of this ..... Im so used to the roller coaster that I am actually finding myself looking for it, not that I really want it but skeptical and suspicious that its not going to be returning.
I just sat and listened in meetings for a long
Time till steps 1,2 and 3 started really clicking
Inside. I was changing and growing it took a
Lot for that to happen.
I had to learn self love and self acceptance.
Trust is a huge issue for many of us. That
I had to work very hard on too. Nothing for
Me was simple or quick. I reached out to
Other support groups and church group.
I come from dysfunction and alcoholism i
Had a lifetime of thoughts, feelings and
Emotions that i had to sort out. I still do
and I still struggle daily.
Good to know its not just me. Im envious of the people that it seems to click for right away, I think. Ive always been a fence sitter, relying on scripts to get me through challenges, letting things sink in and bounce around a little....but once I make a commitment I become impatient for results.
I have been at it since sometime in 2012. I started
Then stopped, too Much pain then started back up
again I Was on rock bottom. My ex started attending
AA in 2011. His going to AA was the catalyst for me.
Eventually i got strong enough to stop being his doormat
And stood my ground and he left. I stayed until the
Divorce and decree was in place. All i can say without
So much alanon under my belt i would have caved.
It was pretty intense times. I moved afterward and
have gone No contact and i am finally detaching from
him. It has taken me this long.
There is just so much to learn so you can grow and
Change. I still have my fort up to protect myself. Some
Can laugh at that yet i still need it. Self protection,
Self Care and self love are very important aspects of
spiritual Growth.
Thats my journey in nutshell, some seem to go so much
Faster. My ex was dry so we had somewhat different
Issues. It was still an codependent alcoholic marriage
And all the issues that can and do happen.
We had many fairly decent years then some really soul
Destroying ones. I Still struggle, one day to a time.
Fooled--- It helped me to move to Step 2 after Step one because in Step 1 , I surrendered and admitted I was powerless. If I was powerless and did not have a Higher Power, that meant that the alcoholic would be all powerful and I would be destroyed. i THEN WORKED STEP 2 AS FOLLOWS: I came, (to meetings),I came to (became conscious slowly )and then I came to believe. powerful Step indeed.By surrendering to this Power I needed to accept that life on life's terms did not mean I would get my way (and I did not)but I would be given the power to carry out HPs will.
As far as the glass half empty, I think many of us (alcoholics, codependents, etc) have alot of the same issues - trust, self worth, self esteem, honesty, vulnerability, etc. It's all perception.
A few years ago, we were having some financial problems because of unforseen expenses. The money was tight, and I was stressed. It was really bothering me. The credit cards were maxed, how am I going to pay this down? Then, one day on the way to work, I was at a red light. A homeless guy with a long beard is pushing a shopping cart with everything he owns across the walkway. I didn't think too much about my money problems after that, and things eventually got better.
I shared this somewhere else on here. My son was diagnosed with cancer 3 years ago. He was 14. I was devastated. A parents worst nightmare. Did it spread? How bad is it? Will he survive? It was a rough couple of weeks. I read up and found out he had one of the most curable cancers. We were sitting in the oncology department after the surgery, and I saw a little boy, maybe 5, 6 years old. He was going through chemotherapy and radiation. My heart broke. After that, I thanked God my son ONLY had the type he was diagnosed with. I still think about that little boy, and what his parents had to go through.
Gratitude is all in our perception.
-- Edited by Michael72 on Saturday 12th of March 2016 10:55:40 PM
Thank you for sharing that Michael....My 19 year old son has cerebral palsy...Hes very high functioning now but through the years, he has been a handful and a lot of stress, 21 surgeries in all, 2 of them brain surgery, I bore the responsibilities pretty much on my own. To this day when I take him to the Childrens Hospital for check ups and I see other children in far worse condition, feeding tubes and completely immobile, I often say there by the grace of God go I. My 23 year old is so submersed in a lifestyle of drugs and alcohol that when he does his disappearing act for 5 or more days and I hear of a heroine overdose, I panic and then thank god my child has another day that recovery could be an option. When their father, My ex Dry drunk and I split, I almost lost my home on several occasions because of his lack of responsibility, I do thank God every day that I now have a job that I could be financially secure on my own if I needed to be. However, I was not raised to believe my HP was one of understanding and love, I was raised that if you didn't do what you were supposed to do God was going to get you. Therefore its hard to get out of the mindset that all of this was not some sort of punishment that I don't know what I did wrong. The feelings of betrayal I have felt is hard to trust anyone let alone a HP that would give me so much to bare. Now, I have all that and an AH. I don't like feeling like the victim all the time, but its hard to escape that circle of mistrust. On the other hand, I have been exploring other churches outside of my Catholicism, and I plan to ask to borrow AH big book and read the chapter on Agnostics. I am trying...
Remember , Alanon is not a religious program, its a spiritual one. Many of us come from different religious backgrounds and have different beliefs
Some do not believe in God at all and this program still works for them.
I am a practicing Buddhist for 31 years and have been with Alanon over 30. I call God a different name. I call it the Universal Law. Everything operates under a law, otherwise the moon and the stars and the planets would all collide.
Whatever God is to you. Could be the ocean, nature. I know I always feel better when I'm closer to nature . I know there are no accidents in this life and have seen the workings of this universe, all you have to do is be still, let go and watch what happens.
Always be seeking like you are doing. You will find something that resonates with you . Remember, happiness is an inside job, there is nothing outside ourselves.
Hey Fooled - for me, as Betty suggests, my action helps propel me into right thinking. We have a saying - You can't think yourself into right action, but you can act your way into right thinking.
Keeping an open mind, trying different things suggested and studying the literature and how it could make me a better person with a happier existence seemed to make perfect sense as I watched others enjoying their place on Earth at meetings.
I had spent countless energy and time trying to think of solutions, fixes, etc. It never worked. Doing and feeling better/different gave me faith in the steps and the program. I always have to look at the second part of this first - restore me to sanity (my goal). Then the first part gave me hope in the form of a 'how' to get there.
I used the group for a while as well as all 'that is'. I am a huge nature person and am amazed at the perfection in a flower, a bird, a fruit/veggie. Even us - we are perfect when we arrive - 2 hands, 2 feet, 2 ears, etc. I find incredible peace in realizing that this was all given to us to be the best we could be. The beauty of any of these gave me insight into a power greater than myself often in the beginning.
The freedom to realize that I was one among many and all things didn't start/stop with me helped too. Letting go of my perception that others would fail without me actually gave me the freedom to let go and work on me! Working on everyone but me made me insane so I was willing to do just about anything to move away from that place of being.
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
