The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My A is out of forced rehab. I am consciously applying my newly learned Al Anon tools. Challenging, because his behavior is already unpredictable. I am not pushing anything, letting things flow, yet making my point once so that he knows that there are new boundaries.
He enjoyed his first hour of freedom breathing fresh air (in the center, no phones, no walks even, only indoors for 3 months). I'm happy to see him enjoy this new found freedom. But.... 2nd hour and he was already aiming at his first "walk", which usually meant his first sip earlier. He tried negotiating, I said no sternly. Here, we are advised to steer him, but not control. I did that. Went for the walk, shopping, with him. Here, they advise to keep his tummy busy. He did it himself - drank 2 glasses of juice and some food.
First day success, but I feel a bit drained. I could not do what I wanted to do exactly, but I expected almost exactly this and a bit less (I got a bit more than I expected). Taking it easy as I'm a bit down with Rhinitis and Sinusitis. Otherwise, usually, I like to work out.
The coming days will bring challenges. But something in me is excited .. there is hope with Al Anon tools!
Thanks for the ESH. I know I'll need to be strong. Trouble coming very soon, possible slip. My A had not hit rock bottom, so he's not thinking about a program, does not want to attend AA meetings, and actually thinks he can drink "socially, now that he understands Alcoholism is a disease"!
But one question - How much to steer at this stage. A few people here advised me to steer him away from bad places, at least for a few days. Is it useful at all? Do I stick to strict Al Anon principles whether it is day 1 or day 56?
-- Edited by manas on Saturday 12th of March 2016 01:04:13 PM
I hope your A stays sober and changes his attitudes toward drinking. Even more so, I hope you are able to find a way to detach no matter what happens. Best wishes.
OK, day 2 (Apologies. This is becoming some sort of a journal)
My A slipped about 18 hours out of a 3 month rehab. I'm using Al Anon tools. Surviving much more easily. But heart beating a bit louder than usual (I've had minor palpitations issues). I'm getting a bit worked up because he wants me to go everywhere. And then there is always the hanging sword. The request for alcohol coming coming ...
Tomorrow is a Monday and I'll have to focus on office with this side show happening at home.
Manas This is indeed evidence of being "powerless" over people, places and things. Acceptance of this reality helped me to understand this dreadful disease in a different light .
I would search out an alanon meeting for myself and attend You need to find serenity for yourself and take care of you before you can have compassion or support for another.
Positive thoughts on the way
Are you saying he is requesting alcohol? You can refuse to get it, but you can't keep him from getting it if he really wants it. When my wife was active, she would use any excuse to get out and to to the store to buy a bottle.
As Betty said, we are powerless over people, places, and things. We only have power over ourselves. Joining meetings, refusing to buy alcohol (say what you mean, mean what you say, and don't say it mean), are ways that we can exercise power.
He is not requesting alcohol, but he's getting it from somewhere. He told me he requested for a small loan ($6 approx) from an part-time addict. Now, he is also getting weed from somewhere he says. I've never seen it in my life and now he's going to do that at some point.
I'm not in panic at all this time, but definitely not serene. The thing I hate most is that I cannot get a few minutes by myself and I have to follow his time table (for a few days). I'll start detaching more soon.
I have been at the mercy of my AW as well. She lost her license for a year after her second DUI, and where we live you have to drive to anything. She didn't have a job, so that wasn't a problem, but she did have to go to meetings. At first I hated being obligated to taking her, and I complained at my F2F meeting. At the meeting I was told that I have a choice and I really don't have to do anything I don't want to. So I thought about it, and realized that getting her to meetings was doing her good, therefore doing our family good. So I made the choice to drive her to meetings. I adjusted my attitude and found that it was a lot better to drive my wife places with a good attitude than to not drive her places with a crappy attitude.
So, you do have a choice. Don't forget that. My choice was to drive her around, but if her attitude would have gotten unappreciative, I would have told her that I can't drive her anywhere anymore because I don't want her in my car with an ungrateful attitude.
