The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been in Alanon for about 12 years. Before Alanon I was physically abused and terrified all the time. Alanon changed my life and my marriage became better "for awhile". I have been married for over 25 years now.
I have hard life situations going on. First I had breast cancer last year, my husband now is on disability due to a heart condition, We may have to walk away from our home after owning homes for over 20 years and I have Bipolar 2 and unstable, understandably so with all that's going on. I feel like someone just pull the rug out from underneath me and I am just flailing around not knowing what to do.
Most of my Alanon tools have gone out the window even though I continue to go to Alanon so I am reacting left and right to my still controlling and abusive husband even though it's no longer physical abuse. If we have to leave our home my husband wants to move to Arizona where his mom lives. I do admit I would love the sunshine as I live in Washington where it rains all the time causing me even more depression.
My terrified state is this. I feel equally terrified of leaving my husband as I do moving with him to Arizona. I have huge abandonment issues. I had to tell him that if he does not go to marriage counseling that I was not sure I could move to Arizona with him. So he said he would go. I have felt unsafe in my home for a long time with a few days here and there of feeling at peace but then he would get controlling or abusive again and my walls would go up and the trust well actually has not been there for a long time.
I had to ask him 3 important questions the other day so I could understand where his mindset is. I asked him why did you physically abuse me all those years. He said we were having an argument and I was drunk and didn't know what to do with you. Sorry guys this is not what I wanted to hear. I deserve a loving husband that says I am so sorry I treated you that way. We haven't had sex in about 15 years and about 3 years ago I started to ask him why were we not having sex and he said "you know guys don't like fat chicks". So the other day I asked him why did you say that to me. His answer was he was on the defense. My husband went to my doctors with me when I had breast cancer. The doctor talked for about 30 minutes of why I may have breast cancer. When the doctor stepped out of the room my husband said "it's because of your fat cells". So my last question to him was why did you say that to me? He said oh I was just scared and didn't know what I was saying.
So I'm having some clarity here. In all three cases he did not take responsibility for his behavior and I've come to learn in Alanon people can only give you what they have. Well it's not enough for me anymore. Most of the time things are my fault. I don't know how much more I can take of this. I don't know if I can move away from my support group here even though the weather is dreary most of the time. He also recently told me that he promised his mother that we would get a foster child so she could have a grandchild. My thought was are you F ing nuts! My qualifier does not drink anymore due to his illness but has no program.
I would love to be supported by you all. Please be gentle as I had to call the crisis line the other day because I wanted to take my own life. I do see a psychiatrist on a regular basis, therapy, Alanon and ACA. I wish I could be stronger. This is all so scary to me.
((((Hugs)))) Lynn - welcome to MIP - so glad you found us and that you joined us.....very sorry for the chaos you feel and are experiencing with this darn disease and the diseased....I am glad to hear that you attend Al-Anon meetings and have local support. For me, that's a huge element of my life and recovery so I always suggest that if it's not already in place!
I am so sorry that you AH isn't who you need him to be. My AH golfed the day I had to go to the cancer center for my biopsy. It was difficult by my AH makes sure everyone knows his mood if he has to go some place he doesn't want to be...
My best suggestion is try to go back to basics. When I get left of center in my thinking or emotions, I go back to the first step. I just start over and see if I can get back to my side of the street. Do what you can to feel better about you and the answers will come.
You are not alone and we're all just a post away! Glad you joined us!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Welcome and I'm glad you have found us. There is much wisdom and support here. I'm sure others will have more to say but I just wanted to send you warm hugs.
I wish I could hug you in person. When going to your meetings, did you ever pray/meditate to your Higher power? It sounds like you are overwhelming yourself with all the chaos going on, I probably would too in your situation.
All I can do is share something that happened to me -
About 3 years ago, my youngest son was diagnosed with cancer at the age of 14. I was devasted and collapse to the hospital floor, but only when he was going in for further testing. The type of cancer he had was a very treatable kind, but I didn't know it at the time. This is a parents worst nightmare. Am I going to lose my child? I can't comfort him. I can't take it away. How scared is he? I cried myself to sleep every night.
So the following week, after the surgery to have the tumor removed, we are sitting in the oncology department in The Children's Hospital of Philadelphia. I look over and see a little boy, 4 or 5 years old. He was going through chemotherapy and radiation, and obviously had a more aggressive type of cancer then my son had. I couldn't get that boy out of my mind, or what HIS parents were going through. I started praying for that family instead of my own. I thanked God my son ONLY had the type of cancer he had, and not something more deadly.
It's all perception. You have alot going on right now, but someone always has it worse. Are there things in your life right now that you can be grateful for? Is there a Higher Power in your life that you can lean on?
I've hit my knees plenty of times and just cried out for help. You definitely are not alone in what you are going through Lynn.
Welcome to MIP Lucymae, it is good to have you join us.
I hear you, and can see that you have had a lot going on. It helped me a lot when I realised that I could take time out from making decisions and worrying. I wore myself out with it all! I agree with you - that kind of in-flux situation brings out all of my abandonment issues as well. And the bugger was that I didn't even know I had those in me!!!
Talking things out helps me to work out what feels comfortable for me. Like you, my partner finds it difficult to be emotionally supportive and his responses often feel dismissive and hurtful so it is important that I talk things out here, in meetings or with other friends.
Meditation calms my mind enough so that I can look at things more creatively.
You've described a stark choice between going to Arizona with your husband or leaving him. If you two were to stay in Washington would you still be thinking of leaving your husband? I am only asking because this is a question that I have asked myself recently. Whatever the case, I know that I don't have to make a decision today, just that it helps me to keep listening.
When my husband was being abusive I made a point of doing good things for myself that countered his negativity. It got to the point that I was having so much fun I think he decided it wasn't worth the hassle any more!
I have learnt that I don't always have to be strong, sometimes it is good to let go and gift myself relaxing, pottering time. I really don't have to solve everything at once - who knew?!!
Sending huge ((((((hugs))))))). I am so sorry that you felt that you wanted to end your life, that is a horrible place to be, and good on you for reaching out for help. Please know that we care, and that you do have choices and influence on your path, life does get better! Sending you support and even (((((((more hugs)))))).
im so sory that you are going through this. All of us on the board have suffered physically or emotionally or spiritually or a combo of it. I think its important to take gentle care of oneself at these times. Please realize that u cant control,didnt cause ,cant change your spouses,s behavior. So please hang here for support and do nice things for yourself[warm bath,calm music,read alanon lit, even hug yourself]
