The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
When I started here I was a hot mess. My RAH was not recovering, he was not sober, and I was angry, resentful, hurt and betrayed. Before I came here I was so resistant to Alanon my self righteousness belief was why do I need recovery I am not the alcoholic. Im the victim here, I shouldn't have to learn about the disease. I was so angry that he manipulated, lied, deflected, etc. My ExRah the dry drunk was blaming me for his poor choices after I left him. My Son was continuing to use and appeared to have no rock bottom in sight. Look what all these people are doing to me! Now I have to do steps? Are you kidding me?......
I came here because I realized I had no idea how to deal with all of this. When my AH came out of rehab I had no tools. I was told about Alanon and I actually researched it but in my rural area there just are no meetings that will work out at this time. But, again I was resistant. But, by God, my AH went through rehab and I was going to support him and I was going to roll up my sleeves and fight with him. That was so not working!! I came here out of desperation when my offended self was told that I need to get out of his recovery by my AH. I was crushed, I mean his Sobriety coach was giving me directions to confront him, and pay attention etc., our Pastor was telling me that my support was crucial to his recovery, and now he is telling me to get out of his recovery????? How could he? Look what I have put up with all these years, look what I have done for him!
In my first few days here, I was told that the first step was actually easy. Had my life become unmanageable of Alcohol? Am I powerless over Alcohol? Oh boy...this should be easy. Wait a minute, is my life unmanageable? Do I want to admit that my life is unmanageable? I should have control of my own life! Powerless---Do I want to admit that I was kicked out of my RAH's recovery? Am I really powerless, I mean look what Ive done for him, look what he's done to me, he has no accountability, he doesn't want to share about his meetings, and why he wants to drop out of outpatient, why does he get control after EVERTHING I HAVE DONE FOR HIM AND HE HAS DONE TO ME! I am not sure this is going to work for me, surely I am making the first step harder than it has to be. My AH is really the scum bag here and this place is going to teach me how to fix him, so I can have a good rest of my life. But they want me to admit my life is unmanageable...how about maybe????? I started to attend meetings....What? Compassion? Give him control? I cant give him control....he's an alcoholic....he has no idea what he's doing!!! He lies, he covers up, He needs me! OMG IM CO DEPENDENT! I CANT BE CO DEPENDENT How can I be co dependent, what does that even mean, what is wrong with me? I am an smart educated professional woman and smart educated professional woman are not co dependent.
Oh but they can be, because from way back my alcoholic father in his self hatred withheld love and affection for anything less than perfection. Perfect daughters did the right thing all the time. They got good grades, they got married to nice men with good jobs, etc. Not me, I married an alcoholic and I supported him after he lost job after job. I had babies and I couldn't afford them and how could I bring them into a house with an alcoholic. I did the best I could, I took on the responsibilities of the household because he couldn't and when he started having physical affairs I left. The shame in having an alcoholic cheat on you compounded by the guilt that I let it bother me and I had let some things slide because I couldn't meet my responsibilities and his. Fast forward 5 years, my son is arrested for possession, goes to rehab comes out and is quickly using again. 3 more arrests and 2 more rehabs he is completely submersed in this lifestyle. He is a polysubstance abuser, he is an alcoholic. The shame and guilt of 1. Not being able to see he was in trouble and intercede at 15 when it started. 2. Not being able to do tough love because I felt bad for not being present while trying to hold things together working paying the bills and divorcing his father. Fast forward again I meet and fall in love with my AH. He is honorable, hard worker, good stepfather, and oh no an alcoholic. I pretend I don't see it for a couple of years, when others start to notice, I yell scream fight because he's making me look bad. I just cant be married to another alcoholic. The disease progresses and he hits is rock bottom and I am again faced with shame and guilt of the harsh reality of I am married to an alcoholic. I love an alcoholic.
My life is unmanageable because of alcohol and my need to control it. My life is unmanageable because of alcohol and the shame and guilt I felt about the A's in my life. My life is unmanageable because of alcohol and my disappointment in myself in not being able to fix my A's, which makes me unworthy. My life is unmanageable because of alcohol and my powerlessness over my A's disease and recovery. My life is unmanageable because I am codependent and I define my self worth based on whether my A's are using or not. I am Powerless over my A's addiction and recovery.
Good work Fooled The awareness and acceptance of my insanity and powerlessness was so very important. Actually I find the Steps an ongoing process and take the first three steps each morning. I remind myself I am not in control, that I trust HP with my life and that for today i will let go and let god.
We have a Step Work Board at this web addy: http://stepwork.activeboard.com/forum.spark?forumID=42763
and are currently up to Step 4 for this go around . You can review other's responses to this Step and other Steps s by going there
(((Suzann))) - nicely written and so much awareness. Surrendering to this powerful disease and realizing we are out of control because of it is so freeing. Keep going - you're doing fabulous!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
(((((Suzann)))))
Thank you for expressing our feelings so well, as I read you post, with your avatar alongside, I kept thinking 'wow, this is one wise bunny'.
Sending gratitude and hugs.
Many thanks to this group and the non judgmental approach you give. I think back and go back ....I see a difference. I wonder how many lunatics you see like me in the beginning, lol. I took me a while but once I figured out who, what and why I was angry, why I reacted the way I did, what I really resented, the light bulb went on. My husband is an alcoholic, he has a disease that makes him have less than a stellar reputation, he has dysfunctional coping mechanisms, he has a lot of emotional baggage. He isn't a saint, by no means, but I am no angel. AH and I had a gripe fest the other day after all was said and done, the eye opener for me was his statement after I stood on my soap box telling him how painful it was to be the wife of an alcoholic. He said, "Its really not a picnic for me either, very few people like me I don't even like me, I cannot tell the truth, I am not very reliable, Im always looking over my shoulder and trying to get in peoples heads to see if they notice, and although I don't mean to I always hurt the best thing that ever happened to me" Right now he is back on the wagon, will it last? I don't know But I think I will be alright if it doesn't. I love an alcoholic. I hate the roller coaster, I hate all the side arsenal of behaviors, but I will no longer let him being an alcoholic define me. My self worth is not determined by whether he is sober or not. I would like him to be. i hope he does. That is his choice that he has to hold himself accountable for. One day I may decide I cant forgive anymore, maybe not. Either way its ok.
