The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Detaching is best learned in the program through sponsorship, meetings, literature, ESH & more. For me, prayer, meditation, exercise, regular contact with sponsor, meetings, contact with program friends, step work, daily meditation, prayer and slogans.
I try to recall one of the first things I heard about detachment - don't do for others what they can/should/could do for themselves.
Hope this helps....
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I learned how to detach by reciting the serenity prayer when I wanted to react, reading some alanon literature, attending a meeting and most importantly i kept repeating "Let go and let God " over and over in my mind. That helped me to not react and gave me time to act in a positive manner. It takes time. Meetings help
I detach by not focusing on my A's, instead me.. staying busy in the books, meetings, coffee with friends.. when I encounter my A I dont bash, hound about their addiction. Instead THINK... and say what I mean, mean what I say and dont say it mean... I learn to live my life and let others live theirs. Repeat the serenity prayer, the 3-Cs.
__________________
Kats
To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you - Lewis B. Smedes
Detaching for me has always been art work...Done right it is masterful and so exciting. Imagine myself allowing my alcoholic/addict and others to do for themselves what they could do and sitting on the sidelines cheering their successes and at the same time no booing or grieving their losses. At the same time I completed my own successes without demanding that she cheer on me. Coping for me is often allowing life to be exactly what it is without wanting it to be something it isn't. I can do that...I don't have to stop for every bus or attend every fight I am invited to...I can LET GO AND LET GOD. God does coping best of all. ((((hugs))))
I was struggling with the same thing and found this in another post, which helped me a lot. I've printed it out and am going to read it every day until some of hopefully starts penetrating my thick skull :)
Detaching with love
What is detachment?
Detachment is the:
Ability to allow people, places, or things the freedom to be themselves.
Holding back from the need to rescue, save, or fix another person from being sick, dysfunctional, or irrational.
Giving another person "the space'' to be him or herself.
Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with people.
Willingness to accept that you cannot change or control a person, place, or thing.
Developing and maintaining of a safe, emotional distance from someone whom you have previously given a lot of power to affect your emotional outlook on life.
Establishing of emotional boundaries between you a nd those people you have become overly enmeshed or dependent with in order that all of you might be able to develop your own sense of autonomy and independence.
Process by which you are free to feel your own feelings when you see another person falter and fail and not be led by guilt to feel responsible for their failure or faltering.
Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern, and caring without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing, or control ling.
Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective and recognizing that there is a need to back away from the uncontrollable and unchangeable realities of life.
Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to experience greater emotional devastation from having hung on beyond a reasonable and rational point.
Ability to let people you love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to practice tough love and not give in when they come to you to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.
Ability to allow people to be who they "really are'' rather than who you "want them to be.''
Ability to avoid being hurt, abused, taken advantage of by people who in the past have been overly dependent or enmeshed with you.
Ruby Crystal
Welcome. I too have an AD (mine eill be 36 yrs in a few months).
I struggle with "detaching with love" too. I do better for a while, then I can't seem to resist the temptation to offer suggestions, usually in the form of self help workbooks I have amazon ship to her.
The last post had lots of great ideas (I copied it and texted it to myself to read whenever I forget!)
Laurie 16: Thank you SO much for that wonderful list, and hi Ruby! Nice to meet you!
I have had a very hard time with detachment, and am only now, after a while, coming to really learn what it is. What a great list Laurie!!!!
When I read over the list a few times, 2 things came to my mind. 1. How sad it is that if you're married to an AH you have to "emotionally become unglued" with them as Miranda said above, when relationships are supposed to be glued together, the two become one flesh, as God says in marriage. It's sad, but I suppose necessary when someone has such a disfunction. And, 2, that really as a woman, seems most are women here, how important in order to remain independent, it is for us to have our own money!!!! That is how we CAN be independent! When you're counting on your AH to support you, like me, you feel so scared, unsure and uncertain how you would survive, so you depend on him even more! Then that gives them more power over you with the finances. I hate that and wish I would have gotten a career a long time ago, but my career was being a mom and raising my children, now grown. It has only been in the past several years of our long marriage that my H began to really be an AH, and a daily drinker. I think due to his job frustration, (a man's identity)......it seems......
So.......I do think if you want to preserve the relationship or you have to, or you're trapped and have no alternative ((yet)) it is crucial to protect ourselves. If I was working, I'd be thrilled to see my work friends every day, then just come home, make dinner, read, and bed, I wouldn't even be concerned about my AH. We MUST do our own thing, and not rely on anyone else for our happiness. I used to not know this very well at all, seemingly having the perfect family on the outside, I wanted to keep it like that. Alas, now I really am beginning to see things for what they are. I heard lately, with an A, you either change your attitude or change your address. Our choice!!!!! Well, I'd like to change my attitude for now anyway, and that is why I desperately need Alanon. It is really helping me! I hope it helps you too Ruby! Take Care~
-- Edited by Inga on Saturday 12th of March 2016 07:26:08 PM
Agree with posts above. Keep going to meetings because then we are supported and reinforced all the time. Constant reminders. I also read the Serenity Prayer. I read my "just for today" bookmark and when I need to detach I almost always busy myself with self care of me or my child.
Inga wrote, "...when relationships are supposed to be glued together, the two become one flesh, as God says in marriage." The way I see it, though, is not that marriage is meant to be two people having only one set of emotions, but two people caring for and supporting each other. In a healthy marriage, if one person is down in the dumps or grouchy, they won't (very often) take it out on the other person or try to lay the blame without real cause on the other person. In an alcoholic marriage, the alcoholic often targets his spouse with all his bad feeling. And we, the non-alcoholic spouse, let his emotions infect us. So if he's having a bad day, we can't have an okay day unless his attitude gets better. If he's drunk, we can't be anything but miserable. Our stability is entirely dependent on his state. As the saying goes, that's not a marriage, that's a hostage situation. So I think a healthy ability to stay content and reasonable and non-miserable most of the time - even if our spouse is having an unreasonable and miserable day - is a sign of a good marriage, whether with an alcoholic or with a sober person. I don't think being glued together so that our emotions and stability are not our own is what a good marriage should be about.
I was born into my life without a partner or wife in a condition that was much easier to manager than any other however lessons and habits being what they are I would make other choices hoping to still have that life which was easier to manage. I didn't know that other would have their own ideas and choices and that often those ideas would be far different than mine. I had the perception that because I was a part of their life they would consider me as often or much as they did themselves and then the truth became real over time and with understanding especially when my spouses and partners used mind and mood altering chemicals. There are differences and then there are major differences and so what was I missing? I was missing a new set of glasses...reality glasses...I had to take off my "dreaming glasses" and learn from others who had been where I was what I was looking at and how to describe it. Drunk wasn't just drunk when it occurred as often as I was seeing it...it was now alcoholism and came with and entirely new set of pictures. I had to learn the difference between my wife and my alcoholic and then the picture became clearer. I have never been so glued to another person that I could not or would not detach to save my sanity and my life. Thank you HP for the Al-Anon Fellowship and all these members who have been willing to teach me another way of living. ((((hugs))))
