The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So I had enough, I prayed and prayed and things came together so I moved out and I'm now in my own little apartment. Its sad here, I'm in a fog, it's like a death somehow, I feel like I am in mourning now. I miss my codependency. There I said it, I needed him to need me. But now what? I believe in my HP. I am not taking him back but how do others cope with the loss of the codependency?
Hi Amanda You are going through a huge loss. When grieving the loss of a dream it is important to feel the feeling, be gentle with yourself and seek the support of like mined others. This too will pass.
Alanon face to face meetings, sponsors, the steps, slogans all helped to restore me to wholeness with my self esteem and self worth in tact. You are not alone and there is a whole, beautiful self sufficient person within just waiting to be set free--- so please keep coming back.
I hope you keep coming back here and it is painful, it's a positive pain in terms of growth. Who knows what the future holds.
Sponsor, lots of meetings and just being really gentle with myself as I processed everything I was going through. I did go for additional counseling and it helped me move forward, sometimes past trauma issues need to be addressed outside of Alanon. If that's not an option for you, Alanon absolutely was where I needed to be to help me heal. Now my XAH dances on the outskirts of my life. He has zero involvement with the kids and I doubt that will change any time soon. Maybe when they are adults however I doubt it even then. I do continue to read lit and I should get to more meetings than I do, I'm not dealing constantly with the active behavior in my face.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Amanda - you are grieving. A loss is a loss to our emotional system - so be gentle with you. Do small things just for you. Enjoy a nice cup of coffee or a nice meal. Do any/all the things you couldn't/wouldn't do when the disease was active around you. Take a walk, read a book, plant some veggies, go to a meeting, window-shop at the mall, sing/dance while you dust, eat ice cream for breakfast, organize a closet, visit a friend, adopt a pet - your next step(s) are limitless!
I grieve better when I am gentle with myself. That doesn't mean (for me) that I get to sit on the couch for a week feeling sorry for myself, but it does give me the freedom to take a nap if necessary. My mind does better when I am productive, it always has. I don't sit still well so a walk around the block for me at times is almost better than a nap.
You are not alone. You have the world-wide support of a fellowship - Al-Anon. Seek comfort from others who fully understand where you are and you will get to the other side...
(((Hugs))) - keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Can you imagine a dear friend coming to you in the same situation, bravely moving on from a difficult situation but sad and grieving to begin with? How would you treat her? Kindly I bet. Be your own best friend right now, you deserve it
(((Amanda)))
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Thank you so much for so many words of encouragement, I am usually very much a reader here, you all help in more ways than you know, I love the way you all are a constent and supportive community!!! I so wish I could hug each and everyone of you who gave gentle advice and love!! I do find myself starting to break free of "rules" I was so use to following. I will somehow find me!!
Amanda - I'm smiling as I read your words! That willingness will get you to the doors. Keep an open mind and you will get to the other side.
(((Hugs))) back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
(((((Mandy)))))....what I did was go to the pet store and get some feisty fish...gave them names...gave them food...gave them love...never gave me trouble ever. Learn to love you as we do girl...and we do love you. (((hugs)))
I got a Schnauzer puppy. This dear, darling little guy barked his head off every time I left the house. He went completely nuts when the mail came through the mail slot. He had some behaviors I tried to control (puppy kindergarten certificate to prove it), but he taught me how to love. I never expected him to be a standard poodle or a brilliantly colored parrot. He was the first being I accepted as he was and as he grew up and changed.
When I gave up scripting what the alcoholic around me SHOULD DO and how he should live, I thought about my love and acceptance for my dog. Each of us can do for ourselves. I worked on honoring that self-determination in all of us, and realized it was time do determine what my self wanted, needed. That is my job, not the one I had thought I should do. I'm still on the job, but this time it's the correct job.
Good for you for make a change to improve your life. Change is hard at first and when we are affected by alcoholism we are addicted to the drama and the crisis so it takes time to get used to the peace and serenity. Its also the grief process and I also loved to think I was needed, then I learned that what he really needed was not me. Then I turned my attention to what I need. I need fun and friends and walks in nature and time to meditate and peace. Try a gratitude list, its hard to be sad after writing it out.
Amanda let yourself grieve it is a process,
Be gentle and kind to yourself. Cry let it all
Out. I kept attending support groups to help
keep me sane and process my losses.
I found no contact let me detach and finally
Begin to heal. Some can detach easily i was
Not one. It is amazing how strong that bond
Can be.
Marital bond/ codependency/ alcholic marriage
Its a big ball of wax to unravel and move thru
So you can begin to heal.
You will work thru this in HP time not anyone
Elses. I had a lot of healing and growth During
my grieving.
I Learned to really feel my stuffed down feelings
and Emotions. They are very powerful and need
to be processed.
True. It took me 1.5 months to even start thinking 5% about myself. After 2 months, I was on a roll. After 3, I don't want him in my life, if I can avoid it. Loads of fun things to do in life, loads of beautiful things to see and experience in life.
Thanks Al Anon. But I need new ESH now. He's coming out of rehab tomorrow! :O
I know exactly how you feel Amanda. I too struggle with that fear of letting go. I'm in a similar situation. We've been married 25 years, so there is a long history there. Alot of life lived, alot of memories. I have no idea how this will end up for me/us.
I just pray to my higher power to give me the strength to let go. Please grant me courage, humility, and acceptance, then say the serenity prayer. I have to say, it's getting easier & easier. The situation is the same, but "I" am changing.
When I cried for the first time in three years I celebrated - my feelings were coming back and I knew that good feelings were just around the corner! I celebrated the loss of my codependency by dancing round the kitchen! Be gentle, grieving is a process and it is ok to feel sad, angry, whatever, but be kind to yourself as well, enjoy treats, lovely bedding, good views - whatever takes your fancy. Sending hugs ((((((Amanda))))))).
PS I also decided that being a caring person was still something that I liked about myself, I just misdirected it a bit! I decided to do some charity work and get myself some training so that I could contribute, but in a more healthy way.
-- Edited by milkwood on Friday 11th of March 2016 03:12:02 PM
