The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
well it has been awhile since I posted... not too much has changed...I am still moving through the divorce process, living with a freind and the custody arrangement is 50/50. Today though is the day we go sign our settlement agreement and then the paperwork for the div mediator to start the divorce proceedings. It was supposed to be last week but she had to reschedule so...here we are. I feel uneasy, anxious, and simply unsure of what to expect in the way of my response. I know in my heart this is the right step but that said, I can't say that in a way my heart is not breaking-it is. My home is no longer my home, my little "normal" family is no longer-well truth is that was gone awhile ago I was just in denial and holding on for the sake of trying to save it....I live in a room, I see my daughter part time, I have limited financial stability and I am strugling to find a home to rent or purchase in the local area to my childs school. Everyday seems tobring forth a new set of responses and feelings for me....I struggle to remain angry-I dont want to be angry-it happened-alcoholism, infidelity, and me/us pulling away long ago led to all ofthis. We all share blame. But what a strange place to be after 17 years...I love/loved this man. I have a wonderful child as a result but I am broken and starting anew and I worry about him, I ache for himj in regards to knowing I too wlaked out on him-despie my best efforts to "save" things...I do still care and I am amazed at how even though I no longer share a home with him I "hear" him in my head. I feel for his pain-be it emotional or phsyical. I am acutely aware of all that led to this and how borken he is too. The compassionant clinician in me hurts for him, wanted to fix him and make it all work. The rerality was just so different.
I have been reluctant to post here as i have not known exactly how to "fit in" now that i am not living in the alcoholic chaos...that said, I still feel its impacts. i stil; cringe, I still hurt and I so didnt realize just how much I had given up. I didnt realize that my confidence was disappearing, that my self esteem was trashd and that quite frankly I was in survival mode. That said, its still sad, its an end, its a chnge and I so struggle with that....Im stubborn as can be and was willing to sacrfice it all to "keep it/us together"... when did i become that woman? how did I get to that point of desperation? Why couldnt it just "work"--- I know all of those answers, I do.... but freinds, this is hard. Its raw, it hurts, it scary and anxiety provoking. Its somethig I want to run from but instead breathe everyday.... thanks fro letting me lean to you... its all just a bit too real at the moment.
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When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
(((Ocean)) Prayers and many positive thoughts go out to you during this difficult time. Program tools, meetings, sharing, will all help to lift this terrible burden and restore you to a sense of belonging, with your self esteem restored. Please keep coming back
(((TOC))) - prayers headed your way! May you find quiet after today's events and may you turn inward to find your peace and next right thing.
We don't let family go that easily.....keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
beleive it or not, you will need and want us here almost as much in the phase you are in. Keep coming back. Im only 3mths into my transition from 25 yr wife of AH to recovering alanon member.. this board is wonderfully supportive and honest with me. it reminds me to say what i mean and mean what i say,to stick to my boundaries while not pushing the people aound me to face their own circus. This serves me well in my jobs and present relationships
I just wanted to say in response to your comment about not fitting in since you are not living with the Alcoholic.
I had been divorced from the alcoholic husband about 7 years after a 25yr marriage and then he passed away 2 1/2 years ago and I still need Alanon. I may come and go, but I always return. I have to always refresh myself and also spread the message and help whoever I can. We need your experience and months from now you will not be the person you are today and would have gained a different perspective and one person may need to hear it.
So keep coming back. Alanon forever.
Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina2 on Monday 14th of March 2016 03:29:58 AM
-- Edited by Bettina2 on Monday 14th of March 2016 03:31:45 AM
-- Edited by Bettina2 on Monday 14th of March 2016 03:32:13 AM
Oh sweet friend, you are in the phase where i felt i needs these boards and my AL Anon program even more so than when I was living with active alcoholism! I couldn't point the finger at my XAH any more and I had to dig deep and look at ME. This was a key turning point in my own recovery and yes, it is VERY painful and it hurts and I grieved.
But, as Bettina said, months from now you will not be the person you are today. Your perspective will change and in many ways I think you'll be grateful for this new challenge, this new chance at something different. I've been out of my 'family' home for 14 months now and I still 'hear' my XAH in my head. I still fear for his life and his health and I still worry about him to the point where I've had well checks called in to the police for him. We don't stop caring, we just know that it was best for our sanity to move on. We come to see that there was no way we were going to save the alcoholic and that we needed to save ourselves first.
Hugs to you, keep coming back!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
