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so ah has been staying with his parents for a week now. He has had minimal contact, a few texts saying all the right things, he needs help, he's having a breakdown, he accepts he needs to stop etc! But everyday he has been drunk, not turning up for work, now drinking in the morning. Action speak louder than words. He's not asked after the kids. He's told work he's struggling and is an alcoholic. so hope he doesn't lose his job! his texts have been all about himself. I've replied politely but curtly. Tried v hard to be completely detached, getting on with life and not pandering or running to rescue him.
But I feel like I'm abandoning him. I think not living at home and thinking I've given up on him has sent him into a rapid downward spiral. He's the worst he's ever been. The disease has completely taken over him and it's scary. Maybe if I showed him I care and that it's worth fighting for? I know people say let them fail, but surely they need a little encouragement or hope to make a step in the right direction? I'm thinking I will ring him in the morning when he should be sober. He's supposed to be getting antibuse tomorrow, so maybe a little hope will help him get to the appointment.
Trying not to think about the future, just getting through each day.
As an alcoholic in recovery myself, the very worst thing you can do for him AND you is try to run back to "save" him. He's sick. He has a disease. You didn't cause it, you can't fix it, and you can't make him better.
I know it's hard, but think of it like this - he's suffering now, which might be what he needs to reach his bottom. The pain he's in might be what eventually gets him sober. If you keep stepping in to "help" him, you might prevent him from becoming sober or reaching his bottom.
You can love and care for him, be concerned, but let go. YOU ARE COMPLETELY POWERLESS OVER HIS DISEASE. It's not your cross to bare, it's his. Take care of yourself and the kids, it's the best thing you can do for everyone involved.
I was 23, and my wife took our infant son and left. I was sitting in our apartment, alone, losing everything that was important to me, and fell to my knees just crying out for help. I was hopeless. I couldn't endure the pain anymore. For alot of us, that pain is the great motivator to making changes and getting sober. Let him be in pain. It might be the best thing you can do for him.
Thank you. I know he's in pain, but is drinking more to block it out. Can I ask how long you were at your 'bottom' for before you sought help? Im adamant I don't want to rescue him, I can't do it anymore. But does he need to know I'll be willing to take him back if he's sober? Or does he need to figure that out for himself too? Part of me want to just leave him to his own devices and pretend he doesn't even exist!
I agree - when mine are active and insane, and they reach out for help, I direct them accordingly. Working this program has taught me that true love for another is allowing them to face the consequences or rewards for their efforts.
Take care of you and let him take care of himself.
(((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
((Beanie))) please remember that feelings are not facts and that you have not abandoned him You can pray for him and place him in the loving embrace of HP-- That is the most powerful action you can take .
When he finally reaches out for help , that is when you can negotiate. In the meantime pleases keep attending meetings and developing new tools to live by.
B1 if u use the word detach in place of the word abandoned u may look at it differently....dont feel guilty you have caused none of this. if u get the opportunity to remind him u love him by all means do so. In time his actions will reveal what he will do next. meantime take care of you and those precious kids....linsc
You ask "But does he need to know I'll be willing to take him back if he's sober? Or does he need to figure that out for himself too?" The answer is that he needs to get sober for himself, with himself as motivation. Nothing you do or promise can or should be part of the equation. It is up to him to figure it out. He needs to do that for it to stick, if it's going to stick.
The single most helpful thing you can do for the situation is to start your own recovery. Alcoholism is so powerful that it drags everyone around it into the chaos too. So we need our own recovery. When we start our program and get the tools to focus on ourselves and handle the situation, that gives the alcoholic the best chance to be pulled along into his own recovery. There are no guarantees. But even if only you makes changes, changing half the equation makes the whole dynamic different.
I hope you'll find a meeting, get the literature, read through these threads, and keep coming back.
One of the most painful things for me was to watch my A go through withdrawals on the living room couch and be completely detached. It took every thing I had not to comfort and console him through the stomach pains and headaches. At times he does still bring up how callous and detached I was those days. But, it was the best thing I could've done. Why, because whether or not my A sticks with his recovery, it serves as an antitrigger for me in relapsing in my codependence and enabling role. Im still new in this process, but the most powerful tool I learned in coming here, is the 3 C's. I didn't Cause it, I Can't Cure it, and I Can't Control it. This week has been especially hard with my A's sobriety and recovery. I keep having to go back to I am powerless of this disease and acceptance that it belongs to him. He has to do it, in his own time, and in his own way. Whether he is there or with you, will not change the course of his decision to enter sobriety. I have found that being able to detach myself and figuring out what I can and cannot accept is the key to my own well being. I am learning that here. I hope you keep coming back and be able to reach some peace in this horrible chaotic disease.
