The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm new to al-anon, but have found in the few weeks of learning about it, I've taken to it like a sponge to water. Everything I read and hear, resonates and I'm amazed how many stories there are like mine and the hope and inspiration I can get from them.
I have found, that I'm really struggling with the idea of detaching with love. I love my AH so much, and I find I have my personal yo-yo of being 'too supportive' (read codependent), to turning off my emotions altogether and becoming almost a robot, which can't be good for me or our relationship.
Dealing with unacceptable behaviour in a way that feels true to myself, as opposed to just ignoring it or pretending that it doesn't affect me.
Setting boundaries, when I know that leaving is not an option for me, at least at this time. Not an option, in the sense that I know it's a threat I wouldn't follow through with. I've already forgiven so much, and knowing I'll forgive more and feeling guilty about how weak that is and how much lower can my self-esteem get.
I'd greatly appreciate any advice or just stories on how you deal with unacceptable behaviours. For me, the behaviours I am struggling with are financial (impulse spending, etc... our finances are completely co-mingled - we've been married 18 years); sexting/online pornography; and of course, just general alcholic related stuff, like lying and forgetting important stuff.
Thanks so much for listening and I'm so glad to have found this forum!
I can so relate. I tend to be the robot any more. We come home from work, he goes down to his man cave and starts drinking, and I do whatever I have planned for the night, (Gym, meetings etc) every so often he comes up to see what I am doing, and each time he is drunker and drunker. I had to detatch with love to be able to live my life as normal as possible under the cercomstances. I know I need to work on my co-dependant tendencies. Sometimes we don't realize we do some of the stuff we do! I'm glad you found this Forum! i'm glad I did too!
Do you have a sponsor yet? Working with a sponsor is huge in my own recovery. So glad you are here :)
Something that helped me was giving myself permission not to have all of the answers yet, and just learning to detach (I couldn't master the detach with love). It was easier for me when I see the disease as something separate from me. I don't know if that makes sense or not. It just wasn't personal they are/were his issues not mine. So can respond as such. I am no longer with my XAH however I think it's true for everyone as they get healthier I just decided what was and wasn't ok for me. I am just detached from my XAH, not so much with love .. I'm ok with that at this point I figure the love part will fill in when I'm ready. However other people in my life I am much more able to do that and be ok with it.
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Thanks, Tired & Serenity. No, I don't have a sponsor yet, and have only been to one f2f meeting. I will try to go to one this week. I struggled a little at the f2f meeting, as I found that I get so emotional when I'm f2f, whereas online, I can be a little more articulate with my feelings, instead of becoming an emotional wreck lol.
I'm just here to tell you .. LOL .. there are people who cried the first month of meetings and guess what .. that's ok. It's such a safe place to be. I REALLY encourage you to go to the face to face meetings and process what is going on. I spent so much time not crying that when I cried it ALL came out .. LOL! First few meetings for me I blubbered every single time my mouth opened so don't be hard on yourself. It's a LOT to carry around.
Sponsors ROCK .. so I really encourage you to push through that initial maybe I don't belong stuff and get one. :)
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Welcome Laurie16 - so glad you found us and glad you joined to share! You are not alone.....and you will figure things out as they are revealed and supposed to happen.
I came in and was so broken that I was angry when I left - I wanted answers and wanted them NOW. Not for me - I thought everyone was crazy and that my life and I would be GREAT if they could tell me how to get 'them' to stop drinking!!
I was so so wrong and came back when I finally hit my bottom. I too soaked it up like a sponge and wanted to work on me so my pain would subside. Those who came before me kept saying to focus on progress, not perfection. They suggested trial and error for detaching and boundaries as what works for one doesn't always work for another. The most important tool to remember in the beginning was to put me first.
Whatever you have or lack is welcome at any meeting, any time and that's the beauty of the program. Nobody judges, nobody preaches and the most common things are support and fellowship.
I am a huge believer in sponsorship. My sponsor gave me permission to detach with indifference until I could detach with love. I came here with very black/white ways of thinking. Things were right or wrong. There was good or bad. I've had to embrace shades of gray and believe that two can be right and not all I see as bad is bad. We are all human and we are all imperfect. I am not less perfect than you or another or even my own A(s).
So - instead of clamming up and storming away and/or just staring blankly at my qualifier while I was biting my tongue, I learned to say, "Hummmmmm that's interesting." or "Hummmmm, let me think on that." There are a few others but you understand my intent was to acknowledge they exist but not agree or disagree or judge or argue or defend or engage. And then I could walk away with my dignity in check and with a bit of grace because I didn't react, over-react or clam up like a teenager or frightened person.
As I continued to soak up the program and struggle with detachment, she gave me more 'like tools/phrases' to step beyond acknowledging. Adding empathy statements such as, "I am sorry you are having a hard time." or "You must be really angry/sad/upset/frustratated." Again, there are a few more but they show that I still am concerned for them, but I am not taking any ownership.
So - it's a process. If you are able to keep in front of your mind that the disease is in control and the diseased is 'infected', it's easier (at least for me) to realize there is just no need to add to the chaos and drama. I consider being silent (vs. how I used to be) as detaching with love some days!!
(((Hugs))) - keep coming back, keep an open mind and remember it's all about progress vs. perfection. Anything you do different today from before is progress. One step in the right direction is one step towards a better way.
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
