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I'm new here, I'm sorry if I'm breaking any posting rules. My ah possibly stbx and I are separated for almost six months now. Alcohol was only part of the problem....severe abuse, not working, eviction, drug abuse, homelessness, criminal behavior. He just started drinking heavy because he got off his drug of choice. I guess. I left and went back a thousand times. This time I didn't go back. He's in a shelter/ rehab. I've been proud of myself and peaceful for six months until a couple at church told a story similar to ours. Out of the blue, I emailed him. After no contact, I emailed him and asked how he was. Now after two days of constant spiritual, psychological, and other advice.....I realize, I'm in full FIXER mode again. I want to pull back and just let him do whatever he does. But I feel guilty like I started it and will hurt his feelings. What have I done?
I would strongly suggest getting to some local alanon face to face meetings as well as a domestic violence shelter in your area for some counseling.
My XAH never got physically violent although it was very borderline and there were other issues involving the emotional and mental abuse.
Your safety is always first and since none of us know your situation exactly it is easy to escalate things without meaning to in terms of you know your situation best.
Do come back here for support. Do get yourself some help, because it has been my experience that from time to time I needed to remind myself for some God awful reason that the stove was still hot and my X is still not ok. Detoxing from the relationship with a TRO is what helped me heal the fastest. No contact and many meetings as well as individual counseling was what got me through the darker times.
Hug S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Welcome Newhere - glad you found us and glad you found your courage to share.
In Al-Anon, we support each other and work on ourselves. We try to understand as much as possible about the disease, for the sole purpose of improving ourselves. We learn the three C's - 1. We didn't cause it. 2. We can't cure it. 3. We can't control it.
We do not offer support except in cases of abuse - then we suggest you find help/assistance from the professionals in your area.
Attending meetings will certainly help you learn how to detach from the disease, the alcoholic and what he's doing (or not doing). You will also learn how to detach and how to find peace within your own life.
Please keep coming back - you are not alone!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
It was not for me however it wound up being in my best interests, my attitude was the best response in our situation was for me not to respond.
I have dealt with a LOT of backlash over this (his family of course) and someone's going to ask if I regretted it and my answer is not one bit. For me it helped me sit on my hands and do nothing in terms of contacting him. By that point in our relationship things were so bad it needed to happen due to other circumstances, he was having people follow me from his work .. it was all crazy. I had to send a very clear message that I was done, there was no question and there was no in regards to how done I was.
-- Edited by SerenityRUS on Tuesday 8th of March 2016 04:33:21 PM
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I knew I shouldn't have, even as I was doing it. Something about the spiritual aspect of it, and my having developed a much stronger connection with God, led me to feel that I was strong enough, and maybe even required to help him understand his need for salvation. Its very complicated for me. I understand no contact, and have undergone tons of secular therapy. This seemed different.
I was a fixer too, I think most of us are/were. Truth is, to my horror , when things are quiet and going smooth I don't feel that comfortable all the time because I'm used to the chaos that addiction brings. I was under the illusion that things would get better with time/ or be different next time so I can't totally relate to why you reached out.
It's something I became painfully aware of by going to face to face Al-Anon meetings and listening to what others shared. I am now less likely to stir the drama pot because I now am conscious of the choice that I have to NOT do that. Like Iamhere said-we didn't cause it, we can't cure it and we can't control it.
Glad you're here-stick around, there is always something relevent on these boards and I hope you try some meetings whether face to face or online.
I am used to chaos. From him, from myself and my struggle with bipolar disorder (along with being the scapegoat to my N "female parent"), from my chaotic family who used and drank freely. From my childhood spent as the golden child only to switch roles later when I didn't live up. Ironically though, the abuse- the noise- in my marriage was so constant ....I've gone from extrovert to introvert. I crave solitude and quiet. I isolate most of the time. Can NOT stand loud noises, surprises, dogs barking, phones ringing, interruptions. I hate noise period.
Hey, good for you for removing yourself from an abusive relationship. You are strong. You slipped, just like the user slips and picks up again. You slipped, your own addiction to him and the drama got the better of you for a moment. Thats okay. Dont focus on that, focus on the good changes you have made in your life that has made it better, that takes strength and courage. So maybe less guilt and a pat on the back for you. Alanon will help and support you as you recover from this disease.
Well done for getting out of an abusive relationship, that isn't easy.
I see lots of self awareness in your posts and I can relate to that desire to check out my own strength and recovery by challenging myself by sliding past something that I know might hurt. When I get that desire now I tell myself that there are constructive choices in my life as well as ones that involve walking on a fire pit! Which would I prefer to be doing? I sometimes wonder if, having grown used to abusive situations, we come to measure our achievements by our survivability rather than by valuing ourselves without the challenges?
Seeking quiet was, for me, a natural response after trauma. Only you know how much you need to aid your recovery and restore your own self-trust and how much might become too much.
I love the fact that Alanon is all about looking after ourselves, finding a positive balance in our lives. I realise now that being able to cope with chaos is useful, but not really the role that I want to be remembered for! Been there, done that, so I try to look at what I see when I dream about what is next for me in my life?
Hi. Glad you are here. Someone mentioned we get used to the chaos, so when everything is quiet and calm, I think sometimes we go looking for some action of some kind. I remember feeling like this when I first moved out 2 years ago. I was so used to noise and chaos, that I felt bored and lonely when it was peaceful. This is common. You are not alone. Meetings and al anon books helped me a lot. I also have a great sponsor who is like a mom to me....she helped me see things clearly.
