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Crazy how my life has changed in the past year. My bf, whom I've been with now for almost a year, has asked me to move in with him soon. We have had a few talks about it over the past 2 days and I expressed all my fears and concerns. He told me there were a few he didn't have answers for, but he said he was committed to making things work with me and asked me if I was as committed to him. I told him I was taking a bigger risk since I would be giving up my rental house among other things. He agree but he reminded me that all relationships require risk. We both decided we were not looking to get married any time soon but we want to be with each other and raise our kids together.
He has some issues with how my son is very dependent on me and he's been stepping in and encouraging my son to basically get a life. He said a 17 year old boy shouldn't spend so much of his free time with his mom and I know I've always felt uncomfortable about the fact that my son wants to be with me a lot. His friends are always so busy. I kept hoping that he would get a car soon, get a job, and get out of the house more, etc. I have some issues with the way my bf's girls have him wrapped around their fingers and he lets them get away with stuff I would never have let my kid get away with. So, I know we'll have challenges ahead.
We both have issues with each other and how controlling, bossy, and stubborn we are. We had a discussion about that last night and I basically said that i'd work on it if he would do the same, lol. He's military background bossy, I'm codependent controlling.....brings up some challenges honestly.
Since he's building a brand new house that will be completed at the end of the month, I asked him where we'd put my son since the house is only 3 bedrooms and a den/office. The girls bedrooms share a jack and jill bathroom, too. He said, "There's lot of options: the girls could share a room, your son could live in the loft upstairs or the girls could share the upstairs and we could give G one of the bedrooms and make the other bedroom a playroom." He was finding all kinds of solutions and I was surprised that he would even compromise his girls living situation just to make room for us.
This is the man, though, who has still not told me he loves me. I feel it from him every day, though, through his actions, his caring, his attitude, his gratefulness towards me, and his touch. He is always a man of his word and I trust him despite his lack of verbal expression towards me. He is a man of deeds, not words, but I wonder how come I'm even considering moving in with someone who hasn't even spoken his love towards me?
My other issue with this is that my EX will balk at paying child support and I need that income. But, he only has 1 year left of paying for it and my son will be 18 in November anyway. As much as I know we could pull this off, I have my doubts mostly about my son and how this will fit for him. He has 1 year of high school left. There are other solutions: like me moving into an apartment and letting my son basically use it as his home base until he graduates or me staying in my rental home until November and then moving in with my bf in the fall. Or, we could wait until my lease is up next February but my bf would like me to consider just moving out sooner than later. I would pay for part of his housing costs, but it would be less than what I pay now for my rental home.
Sigh....I guess this is a good thing to be worried about, instead of where I was 2 years ago when I was worried about coming home to find my XAH passed out on the floor dead from his disease. I am turning this all over to my HP. That's about all I can do right now. Pray, turn it over to God, and let it be. Decisions don't have to be made today.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Umm .. LMAO .. girl I have already shared with you what I think on the moving in part of the deal.
The reason I'm laughing is the whole I'm not going to pay child support .. HA HA HA .. good luck with that one. It's alimony you get a pass on when living with someone else NOT child support. So he's going to have to suck it up until boy is 18 or whatever your agreement is, so don't worry about what hasn't happened it might mean more court however that's on him not you in terms of contempt.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Im so happy for you. The choices you are being presented with are like a 100% improvement that when you were living with your AH. Good on you. Ive given this some thought in terms of my own situation. My relationship is going well too and that decision may come for me too. I have decided that I am in my forties now and im grabbing everything that comes my way with both hands.
So, I would say go for it. Why wait? sometimes waiting is fear, what if this or what if that? What if not any of it. What if its brilliant for 80% of the time? Is that good enough? Hes not an alcoholic, hes a healthy thinker for a non 12 stepper? thats about all I need to know. Im like tick, tick. He fits the bill. Hes good enough, the relationship is good enough lol.
My sponsor once said to me 'Its later than you think.' That has stuck in my mind. You and I have both spent a lot of years deep in the dark cave of self pity, resentment, fear, etc. We have now got this amazing program and it means we have been given a precious gift that we can use for anything life throws at us now. Its like we are enlightened and our higher power has given us another chance at a relationship. Go go go for it, enjoy it. You can handle anything. It can never be that bad again, never, You wont let it.x
((Andromeda)) This is such a change for you from where you started.
As I read your list of what would be obstacles or warnings to living together, it seemed like they're the things all couples encounter: children, blending families, setting boundaries or lifting boundaries concerning the children that are new to your family (AKA his for you and yours for him), finances, and exes. What will be the better choice for you?
I have to hand it to you for courage and growth. You can remain confident that you'll prevail and that someone's got your back.
I think I've made the decision to wait a bit though. I have hesitations and fears that I think I need to work through. He's not pushing me and he even said he would wait until my lease is up in 10 months. I think us living together right now has shown both of us that we can work well together and that we are good for each other and good with the kids, too. There's no harm in waiting honestly.
I really need to talk to my son first to see how he would feel about it. Maybe if my son was on board and supportive, I might consider doing it earlier than later, but I think my decision to wait a while can't hurt anything either. If it were just he and I, I think I would jump at the opportunity but we both have kids and I think there needs to be more communication between the two of us about this. I think we can set a date in the future and revisit this and see if we still fee the same way. I know we love each other, I know we see a future together, so what's the rush?
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Ah.........great topic, great considerations and how cool is it that you are choosing between good and good vs. how life for us all was before - doom vs. gloom? Enjoy the moment, enjoy the relationship and as we learn - listen for the answer. He sounds lovely and I agree with above - the issues appear to be reasonably normal for blended families.
Lovely that there is no rush and grand that you are and can stand on your own. You have no pressure to do or decide, and that's a gift too. My life and choices always appeared to have great urgency when the disease was active. I don't like feeling like that any more - thank goodness you're aware you've got time on your side.
I am sure the answers will come and as we say, it will be OK no matter what happens!
(((Hugs))) girl - so glad you are digging your guy!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I agree with you, what's the hurry....what do u see in your future? Do u want to marry? If u feel like u want to, why would he want to marry you he would have you already full time. Hasn't said he loves you, that would b a red flag for me. is he in a hurry to have a full time mom for his girls.....would he be a good example for your boy? They say that the small disagreements you have b4 marriage are magnified when you do live together. You are a beautiful and gentle person you deserve a good and happy life. Ps there is new material out there for blended families, read about what the already experienced have gone through.
Lin, I know he does not expect me to be a full time mom. His ex is VERY involved with the kids and they co-parent well together. He isn't even concerned about the girls if we were to break up because his take on it is that the girls have a mom and a dad who provide stability and consistency anyway. And, yes, he would be a wonderful example for my son. My son really likes him a lot. As for our disagreements, we really haven't had any. A few differences of opinions but we've never had a heated argument or fight.
And, to answer your question: NO, I do not want to marry anytime soon. Maybe in a few years but it's not on my radar right now. I do believe I need to know more about him, about us, etc before we live together full time. His new house will be 1.5 miles from my current home. I'm sure I'll be over there a lot and we'll see how things progress. There is no hurry. Honestly, my biggest concern is our parenting styles and blending the families. I know that he and I would be great together, but can we parent and co-parent together AND get together with good communication and love and gratitude? I think that remains to be seen.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
I read this before today and wanted to post, but just didn't have time or know what to say. This is where I am at also and am unsure if I am ready. I feel as though giving up my place is giving up my freedom and comfort in a lot of ways. Having someone tell me how to parent is so difficult for me to take, even though I am not doing it all perfectly and there may be a better way.
My boyfriend is an awesome Dad to his children, awesome boyfriend to me and I am still hesitant to give up anything that I feel I worked so hard to achieve. I think it is awesome that you are so open to this process and flowing so well. I used to need a man in my life and now I am finding it hard to incorporate mine into my daily life. I like that you are taking your time and not just taking action! Sending you love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Reminds me so much of the slogan "When in Doubt Don't" which I wasn't good at until I had enough practice....practice....practice. Make your Higher Power your "Best Man" and tell your boy friend you gotta get HP's approval first. This was soooo difficult for me in the past. I didn't do it well because I was wanting my outcomes and not HP's...and so I did the "fail" dance over and over and over. Good luck A. you know how to do it...do it. ((((hugs)))))
Thanks Jerry and BF, you guys are right. I have my reservations, not because I don't love the man, but just because I kinda love my life the way it is, lol. My bf challenged me to take a risk and that if we're committed the risk is worth taking. I agree, but that doesn't mean we have to jump into this without talking things through. He's a good man but sometimes he drives me crazy and there are days when I know I love having my own space. Acceptance, acceptance, acceptance.....!!!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Interesting topic, and we'll all have different ideas about it. I sense a little hitch in your giddy up and I think that's healthyyyyyy! Just my perspective. I've been separated from my ex for 18 months now and am only starting to CONSIDER dating, so I'm obviously in the take it slow camp.
The opportunity will be there for you later, and I'm glad to hear your reason is "I kinda love my life the way it is". Damn good reason, in my book. I have a place of my own now too and I wish my future gf good luck on getting me to move in together.
Hello. I hope you don't mind if I'm brutally honest. I have first hand experience being in a blended family and trust me, it creates chaos. No matter how well you and your bf get along, the kids will always be an issue. You won't like him giving you advice about your son and vice verse. It's not the same when you live with someone who is not the biological parents. It's really hard. I did it for 12 years and it's exhausting. I wouldn't recommend it. You won't truly understand unless you're in the situation. I'm sure your son won't appreciate listening to a man who isn't his father telling him what to do. Also I experienced losing my spousal short as soon as I started living with my second husband. You run a big risk of not getting the money you are used to. Please think about it long and hard and take it from me... It's very difficult. Especially with older children.
-- Edited by Newlife girl on Saturday 12th of March 2016 10:18:22 PM
I'm sorry about my typos. Can't edit again for some reason. Your ex can't stop child support until your son is 18. Spousal support would probably stop if you are getting that. If you are happy with your life now I say why change it? Trust me.
NLG, hi! Nice to see you back on the forums. I agree that blending families is very hard. My parents got divorced when I was 18 and my sister was 11 and she had her boyfriend move in right away (she had been cheating on my dad) and my sister definitely had a hard time adjusting. But, his kids (there were 4: 3 girls and a boy) had the hardest time of it all. It was not easy but everyone made it through and we all get along well now and my mom stayed married to this man and they have the best marriage I have ever seen exemplified as a happy adult union.
I do not get spousal support and I already know that I will continue to get child support until May of next year. And, yes, I am happy with my life all except for the financial part of things. I will have to give up this house in the next few months and live in an apartment. My son will be 18 soon and will be spending less time with me and I certainly don't need this big rental home. It's costing me too much to run the A/C and the water bills are high here, too.
My bf has been living with us for the past month and he respects the fact that my son is older. Things have been going well, actually, better than either of us probably thought, and I think that's what's spurred us to start thinking that we could build a family together. I know we'll have issues, I can see that already. But, at the same time, I also know that some day I will want to live with someone and start a new life. Chances are that it will be a blended family. I don't want to live with someone or be in a relationship with someone who has never had children, that's just me personally and my opinion. And, when you fall in love and want to build a life together, the kids are part of the deal on both sides of things. It's just the way it is. Granted I could go and meet a man who has older children or grown children, but that will have it's own share of difficulties just as any relationship will.
BF and I have been talking extensively this past week about what it might look like, how we'll handle conflicts, which kids we will have issues with and where, discussing their personality types and how we think they'll all interact. We know it won't be all roses and puppy dogs and unicorns. It will take work and commitment and it will take the kids being agreeable and understanding. As for whether I will like him giving me advice about my son: well, I'd rather hear his advice than my son's father's advice (XAH), which is wrought with insanity and unreasonableness, and wrapped in a tight little bundle of passive aggression and immaturity. Honestly, my BF and I have the same take on things and similar mindsets and if I don't like his perspective, I tell him so.
But, with all that said, I totally get where you're coming from. Blending families is hard. Raising kids is hard. Relationships are hard enough, without kids even being involved. So, I'm waiting on making a decision as to when I'm going to move in. I know it will happen but I get to choose when I'm ready.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Sounds good Andro, your waiting...but best of all you two r talking, and communicating, whether you agree or not is not the issue, you r laying everything out in the open, that's the best part..., happy for you. Linsc
Hi. I didn't realize you were already living together. I hope it works out for you. we all have our own experiences and I hope yours turns out better than mine.
No problem. yes, he's in transition while his house is being built and he's been living with us for the past 4 weeks and will be here for another 4. The kids have been getting along fabulously and his youngest has begged me to come live with them. And, yes, I hope mine does turn out well. I was telling him about my health insurance that I have to buy out of pocket now and he told me that I can be put on his plan as a domestic partner after we've lived together for one year. He also said I can go on his car insurance and that would save me money because he is retired military and has great rates through USAA. He shows his love by caring about my welfare, by taking care of me, and by being grateful for every little thing I do (seriously, the guy thanked me twice yesterday for just going on a hike with he and his daughter). He's a good man. I'm really happy. Just have to figure out how to wrap my brain about blending families!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
