Hi Joker,

I agree with the others who have shared.  No one gets anyone else sober or keeps anyone else sober. That's an inside job and the only helper is that person's higher power. I really understand your feelings.  I remember going to that place too when I was a newcomer. I thought if only I had Alanon sooner, maybe I would still be with him, if only I had whatever that other person seems to have he would have stayed, if I were lovable enough, if our marriage meant to him what it meant to me, he would have gotten sober and stayed sober. He blamed me as he divorced me and this encouraged these thoughts in my mind. The blame game was familiar to me because my dad had done the same in his drinking years. This resulted in trying even harder to be more to be perfect to keep from being abandoned both physically and emotionally by others. That's what my personal insanity looked like. Today I know there is nothing about me or not about me that is a force of power to bring about sobriety in another person or relapse for that matter. Speaking for myself, I no longer have abandonment issues. I have only Alanon and my higher power to thank for this. It took a number of years working this program and focusing on myself - how I feel, what I like, what I can risk to lose, what new things I can find the courage to try. With those discoveries, my fears got smaller. I'd been expecting others to show up for me in ways that I couldn't show up for myself. I had also been wear an imaginary badge of honor as a caretaker and life changer of others which had been a great distraction for not changing my own life for the better. I will be working on these things forever but it's a bit easier today with our program. I try to use the slogan THINK more often today. Is the action or the words I'm about to say Thoughtful, Honest, Intelligent, Necessary, Kind. Working that slogan gives me a moment to pause rather than react by jumping in to rescue or try to control others. They have their path with their hp and I have mine with my higher power. Separating myself out in a healthy way from others no matter what my relationship is to them has helped me keep my sanity and serenity and my Alanon program working well. For me anyway I've found this to be the best route to keeping self respect and healthy boundaries and respecting others right to make their own choices. 

You're making discoveries about yourself and patterns of behavior.  That's what's so great about Alanon recovery; the self focus that brings enlightment, the awarenesses that our higher power sends us.  With help from your hp and working the steps I'm sure you're sorting out what's working and what isn't. Thank goodness we have this program huh?

Please be gentle with yourself and please realize that people getting sober and staying sober is about themselves and their higher power and nothing else. Alcoholism is a life threatening illness. If a person gets close enough to dying they might have a spiritual awakening involving the god of their understanding and get sober. Nobody ever got sober because they were dying to be with a certain romantic partner. Keeping that sobriety is a daily effort from what I understand from my recovering abf and based on going to meetings, working the steps, conscious contact with a higher power and reaching out to alcoholics in recovery. He has never told me it's based on anything that I will do or not do. How lucky because I definitely am not interested in crossing over to his side of the street, too busy with me :)

I hope you find the answers within yourself and the program like any of us... that bring about a happier, more joyous and free life one day at a time. Thank you for sharing your journey and for being here. (((hugs)))  TT

' His drinking and insanity is a reflection of my insanity within me and I react to his drunken insanity because I do not want to look or feel my own insanity.' 

 I agree with this statement. I learned through Alanon that when we focus on our alcoholic partner, child, parent we are using them to avoid our own issues or discontentment within us. We are using the alcoholic to avoid facing ourselves and to excuse our own shortcomings like self pity, resentment, martyr/victim role we play so well.

'I had been in three alcoholic relationships and in each one I could not get the bf or husbands at the time sober,'

The fact you have been in three alcoholic relationships suggest you are attracted to alcoholics, I learned this is due to our own disease within us and until you address yourself and your symptoms of alcoholism you will continue to go for unhealthy relationships.

The fact you still believe you can stop someone drinking suggests you havent quite picked up on the main message of Alanon, you didnt cause it, cant control it, cant cure it. Step one - tells us 'we are powerless over alcoholism.' Its a clear message and unless you can accept that you are going to remain in your own insanity.

It might be worthwhile considering why you think you have the power to stop another person drinking. Its like your playing God or think you should be able to play God. Alcoholism is an ancient disease and no-one ever  has found the answer to stop someone else drink or cure their alcoholism. It only lies within the drinker themselves and cant be yours to own so how can you fail at something that was never yours to fix? Theres not a  soul on this earth that can stop anothers drinking.

You mentioned your ex husband got sober, the only reason I can think of if its anything to do with his wife is that she was an Alanon woman and didnt enable his disease. Thats about all we can do.

I really hope you keep up your reading and go to meetings. Embrace these new, strange ideas, try it all out and you will see changes within yourself. YOUR life will improve and thats the only one you have a duty to improve. Its not your alcoholics job to change or improve things for you. It belongs to you.