Just got off the phone with my AH. My heart is hurting. By the end of the conversation, I was fairly sure he had been drinking - at 10 am, which is unusual - but as usual, am not totally sure. Doesn't really matter - he acted crazy whether drunk or not.  He is so angry that I moved out. One moment he "totally owns it" and acknowledges his role in it. (I have never blamed it all on him but have tried to be consistently clear that, while we are both to blame, it's not an even playing field until the booze is removed and sober thinking returns.) The next moment or day, it's all my fault - I am destroying our family.  Oh friends, these are such hard words to hear!!! I try to stay strong and calm, but even though I know it is a lie, it stabs deeply.  

Unlike many A's, I guess, his sexual desire never diminished. He is so angry with our longterm lack of sex - he cannot get past that. And I cannot be intimate with someone I don't trust, who accuses me of all kind of crazy things. I get that it's the disease, but the disease is lodged in him, and I am coming to grips with the fact that I cannot imagine even wanting to kiss the person hosting this disease again. Hug, yes, because I can feel like it is two souls giving each other compassion. But I think our sexual connection is dead for me.  Today he said the longterm lack of sex is driving him crazy, and doing bad things to him. He said everything would be better if we would just have sex, lie naked next to each other. I responded that I need to be able to trust, to do that. And that I don't trust him. He literally said to me, "I don't care if you don't trust me. You are going to have to." 

Today he also told me that people in town think I am a lesbian.  He has said this before. Today, I just responded, "it's none of my business what other people think of me." He asked how he should respond, and I said "however you want. It's not my business."  I am growing... but in baby steps for sure.

All of this would just be craziness except for the kids (11 and 13). They are with him half the time. I have no proof he has done anything to endanger them since his intervention, almost two years ago. He is very sneaky and lies to himself. They are very frustrated with having two houses, and see it as my fault since I am the one who left. They want to keep living at the family home, where he is, even though I now have a nice house too, nearer their friends. They like being with the pets and the big yard at the other house. They tell me I should just come home (to make their lives, and laundry situation - lol - easier.) So, every day I am not just swimming against his anger and resentment, but theirs too. We started our conversation today, to figure out the schedule for the week, as I am going out of town for 2 nights for work-related stuff (I am looking for a job.) And to plan our 11 year old's bday party. And then the conversation dissolved into accusations involving sex and betrayal. I stayed pretty calm, and eventually got off the phone, saying "I do not want to argue with you."

However. These conversations are sooo unpleasant and hard. I have a big pit in my stomach. I can barely handle them.

Thanks for listening.