I am not good at argueing, but started one last night that continued to this morning - Al-Anon Family Group

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I am not good at argueing, but started one last night that continued to this morning

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

My boyfriend texted and apologized for leaving here in haste, I am still very hurt regarding this and am not ready to let it go. I always would stay at his house and work through it until we were to better ground before I left. I think more than any of the words spoken I am most hurt by him leaving the way he did. I was going to stay by him tomorrow because he lives close to a job interview I have on Monday, but I am not going to now. It isn't to punish him, it is because I need time to work through this in my head before I will even know how to proceed. I hate how abandoned I feel right now. It reminds me of my marriage to the exAH and 15 years of game play and all the leaving he did, if I tried to hold him accountable for his actions. I am trying to be present and here in the now. I am just hurt and haven't felt like this with my current boyfriend before. I have the want, but maybe lack the know how to be healthy in the heat of it. I like what Hotrod said " I must say that alanon gave me the ability to own my feelings,feel them, talk about them and then not react to them but to process them and respond in a healthy fashion." I feel like I have that understnding, but still missed the bus on this one.

Jaclyn · Senior Member

BreakingFree, I'm sorry you are having to deal with this with your boyfriend. I don't know for sure, but am writing this assuming he is not an addict (correct me if I'm wrong!)... I also don't know exactly how the argument played out - but you two are obviously experiencing troubles communicating effectively. I also used to fear that my ex would walk out during arguments - which hurt me so deeply, when he did. While I maintain leaving in anger is not the right thing to do, we were always able to communicate much more effectively after taking a breather (couple hours or even a day) before trying to continue the discussion that had led to the argument. I don't know if this will be helpful to you, but hope that knowing you are not alone will be of some comfort. Good luck!

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs Breakingfree,

I'm in agreement with what Jadyn has shared everyone is different when it comes to how to resolve conflict. I personally have never found it good or productive while I am in the midst of turmoil to try and reason things out. I kind of figure neither of us (whomever that other party is) is being rational at that moment. Usually space is the best way to go. I will share with you that my mother would chase me around the house wanting to talk and honestly it made me feel claustrophobic she would throw herself across the car so I couldn't leave (this wasn't just me she did this with) and it would literally disgust me. Her excuse was she wanted to resolve it and honestly looking back she wanted me (or whomever) to see she was right. By right I mean that she was scared that once they walked out the door that she was afraid they would not come back and in my mom at least my observation was that she was acting out in a very codie way.

Now I'm not saying you are or aren't .. you have expressed to him how you feel when he leaves. He did text you and let you know he was sorry he left the way he did. Sometimes it's better to agree to disagree .. I'm sorry you feel that way however these are my parenting choices. When arguing equates to two people completely arguing to see who is right which basically means someone has to be wrong. I believe that effective communicating has stopped. So shelving the topic and saying .. ok .. we are not being productive in this let's take a time out and revisit this at a later date, because today is not the day. It gives me time to check my motives. What is it I'm trying to gain out of this argument? Am I trying to control the situation because I do feel fearful. The other person is just going to have to deal with their stuff.

Knowing my limitations and walking away honestly is better for both parties because I would be horrified by what I will pop off with in the middle of a heated argument. Me personally, I don't agree with going to bed mad and waking up to the same conversation. Sometimes it is best to allow things to come out organically vs starting off where things left off.

The fear of abandonment is very real, I so hear you sister because I think it triggers that old garbage about why am I not good enough (fill in the blank). This is a great opportunity for a step 4 and taking a look at this in a very non judgmental way against yourself or the other party and find out what's going on with you. I mean really what's going on with you because this is all just superficial stuff it's not the real nuts and bolts of what's going on. That's my opinion .. lol .. and we all know how successful I have been at relationships. :) HA HA!

Big hugs, .. there is nothing wrong with you, you are enough,

S :)

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi BF I find this a difficult subject. I see a few huge issues that could cause you to feel confused and uncertain. One is his insistence on the way to discipline your daughter and indicating he knows the best and right way and the second is "his leaving in a huff. "

As far as his disciplining your daughter is concerned I think that this an issue that requires more discussion.

I knew that I could never allow another man to discipline my son ,because I had issues when my husband attempted to so. I never remarried for that reason. If you are willing to compromise on this issue I would talk it over one more time and insist on your point of view being validated AND CONSIDERED-- (since she is your child)

His leaving abruptly is an issue that I find people do when they are afraid the argument might become heated and they are afraid to engage -- Actually alanon even suggests that we walk away etc

I would not take the walking out as a statement against me an not take it personally

You have begun to work a 5th step on this an I am sure the answers will come. As far as staying at his place before the interview that is up to you to decide. You have examined your motives and they sound healthy to me

Good luck my friend your recovery is admirable

a4l · ~*Service Worker*~

Sorry to hear BF. Hotrod said it well. I can't stand anyone correcting my children and would be pretty disappointed if a partner thought impulsiveness needed changing. Having said that though,Â The role of parents partner is one I think needs very clear discussion and definition. If you think she needs a male father figure that means assigning him some free reign to be himself. We cant make men be the fathers we think they should be. We can however set goals and agree or disagree on strategies. Have you guys discussed what his actual role is in your daughters life? Even with biological parents, goals need defining I've found. Its great when that's possible. Is it possible for you guys to discuss it? You will both have to open up to each other from a newplace. You've both raised children. There are bound to be different views and hopes. I wonder too what exactly it was that you were each reacting to. Best of luck and lots of hugs.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

My boyfriend is not an A thankfully, however blending a family is not for whimps! We have discussed discipline and I am okay with him speaking to her in regards to her behavior when it is negative and generally he is good at it. Once in awhile I feel he needs to loosen up and when I tell him so we argue. His kids are 13 and 18, mine are 7 and 18 and my youngest can keep you on your toes. We usually can get through these moments, but not lately in regards to her, my fear with us all moving in together this Summer is hell on earth. I have worked through it to the point I am willing to try it and feel she is safe with him. The most bothersome thing about him huffing off is he asks me not to, so I have learned to stay, play nice and talk through things. Now he huffed off and I am feeling it goes against our rules in arguing thus far. We have never gotten stupid, name calling, screaming, non of that, we do bicker through it, but have been able to stop and listen to each other, even though we disagree. Just this one nagging area has us unable to meet. I like what Serenity and Hotrod had to say here. Lots of food for thought! Thank you!

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

A4l you are so right and my inner Momma bear does come out and I'm trying to have trust and let things work themselves out. I like control and have some work to do in that regard!

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Jaclyn yes I relate to you and am thankful he is not an A! When it comes to blending families I have heard many horror stories and so far we are doing pretty well. I just want to be able to believe my boyfriend and youngest will work through this for the better, only time will tell, but we both understand how important our kids are to each other. In regards to treating each other's kids well, things have generally been great. I do baby her as she is my baby! Thanks for the support as always!

a4l · ~*Service Worker*~

It is a hard one though. Even between biological parents. I do beleive we know our children as mothers however and thus the momma bear ought be honoured on the journey. You don't strike me as a coddling parent, I imagine someone very organised and with boundaries. I do hope that when entrusting someone with something as importa t as your baby girl, a respect for the relationship between you and her is reciprocally given. A healthy exchange. more hugs ((bf)).

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

Ohhh mama bear you do it well .. blended families are rough you have two people with two different ideas on what makes a good parent and then you are dealing with a male perspective vs a female perspective and add to that the issue of addiction.

My mom sacrificed our relationship for that of being with a man and I think that's the biggest thing that freaks me out about being in a relationship at this point is am I weak like she was in that regard. I would rather be alone than know I brought someone into our lives that caused a rift in our relationship.

Totally not what you are doing I'm literally speaking of this from my own childhood trauma.

Finding the balance between what is and is not ok .. and I still stand by the fact two separate people, two separate ideas and bottom line is you are the mom and no one knows your child the way you do. The other thing I Have always told my kids different rules in different homes .. so that's where that communication of these are the rules for the house. The only thing that I cocked my head at in your last post was the whole there is a "house" rule about not leaving and he did .. it sounds like that needs to be reexamined to me. Maybe it's .. it's ok to leave when what is said in anger is not easily taken back .. however the understanding is once heads have cooled it's still on the table for discussion and this all needs to be worked out BEFORE the move in date.

Girl you are my HERO!!! I love how far you have come in the program and I love that you are still sharing your growth as well as growing pains of what it's like to be IN a real relationship .. that is so awesome!! You ARE doing the right things and asking the right questions. I know when self doubt prevails it's hard to find that footing.

Keep up the great work! Love sharing this program with you it gives me a new perspective about things.

Hugs S :)

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks so much Serenity! I am willing to revisit the rule about leaving vs not leaving in a heated discussion for sure now that it was his rule and he broke it. I am the queen of walking away and he wanted me to work through that and stay mature and talk through it with him. I had learned how to do it and broke the way it used to go with the exAH for 15 years. Now however I am willing to grow and change my boundaries when they are not working. This is why I stayed with my kids in our own place the last 2 years, I have boundaries and know how hard this is going to be living together. I am rethinking a few things currently about that and have to really be sure I am ready. Thanks for the response!

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

I understand the difficulty of living in a blended family. I did it for 12 years. I found that it's very difficult to co-parent a child that isn't your biological child. More than likely you will disagree often about how to raise her. I don't have a magic answer on how to communicate regarding children in a blended family. It's very difficult because he is not her biological father. You probably feel defensive about her. I went through a lot of chaos in a blended family. It isn't easy. Sometimes the best end to an argument is to just stop talking about it and walk away. She is your daughter and my opinion is you always have the final say in how to raise her.

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