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Hi, I'm new to this forum, so if there are previous posts on this topic that would be of benefit, please direct me there! Also, I wasn't sure whether to post this in ACoA or Family forum. Please correct me if I'm in the wrong forum.
My mom is nearly 70 and unquestionably an alcoholic. My dad, over 70, is her enabler and likes to drink, too, but I wouldn't really classify him as an alcoholic, e.g. he usually has at least one drink an evening, but rarely more than 3. I don't know-- he's functional and and I'm not super worried about how alcohol is impacting his health, unlike my mom. I had a big fight with them years ago about their drinking and my dad seemed to get better/be more aware of his drinking and keep it at controlled levels, but my mom is worse now.
My mom hides how much she drinks from my dad and/or he chooses to be in denial (they live together and have been married for more than 40 years). I live across the country from them and the last several times I've visited, I have just ignored the alcoholism. My mom is a "nice" drunk and it's easy to ignore/not engage even though her drinking makes me really sad. But her health is getting worse and I have no doubt that alcohol is playing a big role in that; her mother died from alcohol-related damage/complications. My mom also gets hurt from time to time in ways that are either direct loss of coordination from alcohol's effects...or sometimes along the lines of "accidents" that I suspect are self-harm, which breaks my heart. She would totally deny it if I mentioned the self-harm thing, but I have a deep-in-my-bones feeling that's what's going on. She plays the silent martyr, I guess. (For the record, these are absolutely not things my dad perpetrates -- he's usually asleep when it happens, and he isn't physically abusive at all...emotionally abusive is another matter. I've hashed through that with him and in therapy and we have a much different relationship than when I was younger.) There is a chance she would drink less and maybe get treatment if my dad actually acknowledged that she had a problem, or at least that alcohol was bad for her health given the types of health issues she's having lately. Unfortunately, he's not very good at being gently supportive about things; my mom is kind of depressed/emotionally numb anyway, and his version of recognizing the problem would be to yell at her exasperatedly if she drank too much. He tried that before and her tactic is to start drinking with him at dinner and then stay up really, really late so she can keep drinking until drunk/slurring/passed out. However, the thing I can see my dad doing to help the situation is banning alcohol from the house, which would mean he couldn't have it either, which maybe goes back to him being addicted to alcohol, too. But it could work, as it's unlikely --not impossible, but unlikely-- that my mom would sneak alcohol into the house to drink in total secret. What would really help her is a 90-day in-patient rehab program, but I can't see that happening.
Is there anything I can do? Should I try talking to her or write her a letter? Go to the doctor with her during my week-long visit? Try to influence my dad, but make it clear he has to be supportive, not just yell? ...All I've been doing my past few visits is trying to do lots of fun stuff with her and be gentle and make her feel loved, but you can't love-bomb someone into being less depressed or not being addicted. For what it's worth, I'm nearly 40 and have been in and out of 12 step programs since I was 22 (not active now) and have had lots of years of therapy (again, not right now). Maybe all I can do is work on myself more/again. I want to have hope that my mom will stop killing herself with alcohol.
Sorry this is so long. Really appreciate any advice, or pointing me in the direction of similar posts.
I'm sorry that you are having to deal with things that you are clearly not able to control. Please consider attending Al Anon meetings. I've been affected by some one else's drinking in a big way. Al Anon's tools have helped me understand myself better and how I can get myself a better mental state. It is a process and I've just embarked on it. It feels good already.
Why do you feel that a 90 day in-patient rehab program is not possible?
Welcome LIghtingfire Alanon is a recovery program for friends and family of alcoholics -- You are in the right place. I am sorry that this disease is active in your life and would like to state that alcoholism is a progressive, chronic disease that can be arrested but never cured.
AA is he recovery program for those who drink and thankfully there is a recovery program for family members.--Alanon and ACOA
Alcoholism is a "self diagnosed" disease and we are powerless over it. We did not cause it cannot control it and cannot cure it
Face to face meetings held in your community would be a great help. Please keep coming back here as well there is hope
LightningFire - I too welcome you to MIP. So glad you joined us and glad that you shared. So sorry for what brings you here...
My parents are 81 and are going on 60 years of marriage. Both had alcoholic fathers, and each is very different about their consumption. My dad is a 1 drink guy at social events. My mother sneaks alcohol and plans more social events so she can drink more. She has followed her father into the disease - he and she both got lonely/lost with the empty nest and turned to alcohol for support.
It's been going on for years - I am the baby and am 53. It's progressively gotten worse. My father has found the bottles and has complained to me. I have listened with empathy, and we have talked with her about it. She would get hurt feelings, lash out and then cut back for a bit and then it resumes.
What I've decided is that I love them both, but just can not control it or cure it. I've set boundaries for when they visit here (no alcohol in my home) and do not stay in their home when I go out there. I just choose to not watch my mother self-medicate to oblivion each evening. But, I treat her with respect and compassion and do not love her any less - I just remove myself at a reasonable time to let her do what she's going to do.
Her heart is failing and she's got other medical concerns as well. It's hard to know if it's age or drink, but it doesn't matter for me - I can't do anything but support them both.
I share so you know you are not alone. I too encourage Al-Anon meetings - this helped me realize I can love my mother in spite of this disease and I can listen to both and offer support as possible.
Keep coming back - we're usually just a post away! (((Hugs))) - so glad you are here.
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Really appreciate your story, "Iamhere"... it's sad, and so eerily similar. Makes me feel less alone, although also less optimistic. Still, good to have your perspective.
I will consider Al-Anon meetings, though I think first I need to just get myself back into therapy. I have to accept I can't "fix" this, but my brain keeps saying "what if". I do love my mother despite her disease. I also know I will be angry if/when the disease takes her health in a terrible direction. Both my parents are active and eat mostly-healthy food and read a lot, and I want them to live another 20 years at least (my dad's mother lived to 96).
Good question about why a 90 day rehab program is unlikely to the point of feeling not possible. Truly, it should be on the table, right? Money/health insurance is not a problem. ...I feel like it's so unlikely because my dad would miss my mom cooking and taking care of him/the household (not that he isn't perfectly capable -- his resistance in the face of her health on the line would be denial and selfishness), and my mom would miss cooking/her garden/etc. But I feel it would be more likely to succeed than a part-time program, because it would be a complete rewiring and break from my overbearing dad, as well as in-patient so it's less likely she could be sneaky.
I think your in a good place. Youve got the awareness. Denial is the huge obstacle for us. I can understand the need inside to fix or stop or control when we watch the damage but i cant see that there is a thing you can do. I dont have the experience with parebts though. All i know that detaching with love is the best tool i learned. Step 1 and the slogan live and let live may also be useful. Good luck.
