Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Britta · Member

Need to vent

Jaclyn · Senior Member

Britta, I'm so sorry to hear about your A's behavior, in general, and particularly yesterday. You absolutely deserve more. Maybe you and some friends could go out to celebrate today or tonight? If not, maybe treat yourself to a massage or mani/pedi. I know his forgetting your birthday feels personal, but what I'm coming to learn is that although it isn't okay, it isn't personal. I have a lot of trouble internalizing this in my own situation, so know it isn't easy... But hopefully reading it will give you even a moment's comfort. Happy Belated Birthday! All my best.

mjferg · Senior Member

Feeling alone and lonely was something I constantly experienced when I was living with my ab, many sleepless nights were spent crying, looking out of my window at the stars at night feeling scared and praying he would come home alive.I remember spending New Years Eve alone one year, I sat crying, asking myself what kind of loser spends new years alone. But, I chose it, I mean,I did live with an alcoholic and that meant pain.I started therapy and meetings and I create the joy that it is in my life now. I am sorry you sat alone on your birthday. But, while I sat alone on new years, waiting on him, I also had choices, friends and family that I could have spent the evening with.I have learned that I can't change other people , I can only change myself.

Fairlee · Senior Member

Ugh! I totally can relate to this and I'm sorry! I am glad he wants help though, that is a good thing.
What I usually do, and this is probably not good, is I treat myself when my AH "conveniently" forgets important stuff. I mean he has time to go buy beer but he can't go buy a card!? Really?! So Valentine's Day I was not even disappointed when he got me nothing (I'm like you - it doesn't have to be big and elaborate, but it would be nice to be acknowledged...even a hand-written note - I would love that!) I just went and bought myself a cupcake, had dinner with my kids and bought myself a charm for my charm bracelet. Sad because you always think when your married you have this "partner" to do these kinds of things with, but like I always say: not when your married to an alcoholic!

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Britta))) - so sorry for your unrecognized birthday!!! Happy Belated Birthday to you from me.

I've started making alternate plans each year for days that matter to me. I'll always adjust if my family decides to recognize me but I've got a plan B if they don't. It took a while in this program to realize I had the freedom to do what I want when I want, but it's been a huge peaceful piece of growth for me!

Keep coming back - we're just a post away!

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes, I remember all the holidays and birthdays that I felt let down, because I expected someone that couldn't even take good care of themselves be able to do things for me. I learned to make plans for myself not relying on A's in my life to be able to contribute towards my special moments. The book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews was very helpful for me when I was at a loss.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene