The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been living with an A for 3 years and have been married since August last year. My family and I have known about his issue almost from the get go and have called him on it on occasion (me more so than my folks). During conversations, he has admitted he has a problem and then the next day he feels that there isn't anything.
In the last few weeks, the drinking has gotten worse. He is sneaking into the garage, lying about it, or waiting until I go to bed to have a drink. He approached me last weekend to say he needed help (of his own accord) and I thought he finally hit rock bottom. We looked up our local AA and I told him, I couldn't call, that it was going to have to be his choice. He promised me that he would stop and he did for a few days. I found empty beer cans in the recycling box and called him out. I finally told him today that his drinking is destroying our marriage and relationship. I left to go grocery shopping, when he called me and said that it 'hurt his heart' that I felt like that. He called AA and said that we were going to the open meeting tomorrow night.
When I got home, I knew he had been drinking (and he vehemently denied it). I found broken bottles in our garbage can, and he used a water bottle for his wine. Aside from his drinking he is my perfect match and I love him dearly. I have no clue what to do. Do we go to the meeting tomorrow, even though he is only doing it for me and not for himself? Do I ask him to leave until he has sought help? Do I sell the house and end the marriage?
My suggestion to you is to either go to a face to face Alanon meeting and read up on this addiction , obtain some literature and stay for a meeting. You don't have to speak...unless you want to, listen to the stories of those men and women married to alcoholics. Come to this board as often as you can, read the experiences. We cannot tell you to stay or go in your marriage. Before you make any decisions , join Alanon , this message board is a life saver. I bet if you just read a few experiences you will see yourself and the drinker...
Alanon is a life changer is what I can tell you for sure. We learn that we are powerless over their addiction, we are not the alcohol police. We don't count liquor bottles , and we are not their keepers.
Hope you keep coming back, because it works..
Hugs, Bettina
Hi! So glad you found this board - it is so helpful and full of great resources and information. I can't give you any advice about your situation, but I hope you will seek out a face to face Al Anon meeting or try the online meeting here.
I am glad your A is at least talking about seeking help - my AH is in complete denial, after many, many years. I have pretty much given up hope that he will ever get sober and now I just have to decide what I am willing to live with. Glad you are here - keep come back :)
bryalm - welcome to MIP! So glad you found us and glad that you shared.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease for which there is no cure. Recovery is the best chance, and it's a step in the right direction that he's talking about it! AA is for the alcoholic and Al-Anon is for those family and friends of the alcoholic that are affected by the disease. Alcoholism is considered a family disease as just about everyone is touched by it in some way.
We often first learn the three Cs - 1. We didn't cause it. 2. We can't cure it. 3. We can't control it. Recovery is a personal journey for everyone who seeks it and Al-Anon will give you the tools necessary to find joy and peace no matter what he is or is not doing.
You are not alone and we hope you keep coming back! (((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you Bettina, Fairlee and Iamhere. So we went to our first open AA meeting today and I have to admit, I learned a fair bit just listening to everyone's story. In fact my AH already connected with someone and has a sponsor. It is a tiny step, but a step in the right direction.
I am now wondering how do you all deal with set backs? I have faith he will do what he can to recover, but I think I would be a fool not to think there could be a set back at some point?
Aloha Bryalm and welcome to the board...good first step with the open AA meeting and now the 2nd step...get to your Al-Anon meetings...quickly. There is nothing so sure to trip up a newly recovering alcoholic as an untreated family member and friend. You have been affected and you have affected him also. This disease plays people against each other and truly there is nothing in the world that can make another person drink and/or get alcoholism.
Get to where you know tons about the disease for your own peace of mind and serenity and what you part was and is in it cause that is what we need to learn how to control and stop doing. Our first step is the very same as you hear in the open AA meeting. "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable". So since we don't ever give advise I'll forward the suggestion that was given to me at the start of my own recovery...Keep coming back cause this works when you work it. There are tons more and you have to keep coming back to hear them. (((((hugs)))))
Embrace your own recovery and
alanon for yourself. You can learn
Much by getting the literature and
attending ftf meetings.
His recovery is about him to do as he
Will, go to his own AA mtgs, work
With his own sponsor, be accountable
for Himself, he has his own higher
power. Problems or questions go to
His sponsor.
You each will have your own program,
There is no need to cross them over
Or discuss them.
In alanon the esh is to wait 6-12 months
Before Making any life changing decisions
Unless there is abuse.
Thanks again for the information. I will be attending my first FTF meeting on Thursday and probably attending this Saturday's open AA meeting. I know it is going to be an uphill battle, but knowledge is certainly the key!
Welcome and I am glad you are diving into the problem. What I'd wish someone had told me in the beginning of my journey is that only 15-25% of those alcoholics who enter formal recovery programs stay sober longterm. That is how powerful alcoholism is. Most alcoholics do not recover. I mention this because you asked if it wasn't normal to encounter setbacks and you are right - setbacks are normal, but also most of them are not setbacks but just "drinking as usual." In my case, I was holding my breath, waiting for the alcoholic to finally stick with recovery so that I could get my normal life back. What I didn't realize is that I could have my serenity and good life whether or not he was in recovery - by working my own program. In my case I'm afraid my alcoholic did not find lasting recovery, but I did - and it is out there waiting for you too. The great side effect is that our own recovery gives the A the best chance to get his too. I hope you'll find a meeting, read through these threads, and keep coming back!
