The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am a new member and living with an AH. I have really been struggling with his lying about finances recently. He has recently starting coming to me to talk about situations around finances, which he had not done until after the fact until about a month ago. But during these conversations about finances him and I will agree that he should get a business license or should not invest time into a new part-time job. Even though he is agreeing with a decision in those conversations, he has been lying by going ahead with whatever plan he wants and then not being forward with telling me that he did something other than what we discussed. So, I am reaching out to get advise as to how to manage this knowing that I cannot change him, but I can change my responses to him. I am hopeful that this group can give me share their own stories, quotes, etc. to get me through this struggle.
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Nikki
"Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness" Desmond Tutu
I just learned a new tactic in the on line meeting.....just don't react just say ok not advice, as we can not give advice, but I am going to try that. He will know that I know he is lying if I don't react.
Great advice on the "not reacting". Keeping in constant contact with my HP is helping me to stretch my smile and keep my lips closed during times where I feel I am being lied to by my AH. I listen, then move on to something I enjoy. I take care of what I can take care of, and what is my business to take care of, and I let the rest go. ( this is a day by day thing...I'm better at it some days than others)
Please try to find an Al Anon meeting to go to. If you can't, please try the online meeting here. It is so helpful to be around people who are going through the same thing and understand the insanity that is living with an A. So glad you are here :)
Welcome to MIP nikki - glad you found us and glad that you joined to share. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and affects all aspects of a person - spirit, emotions, body and soul. AA is for the alcoholic and Al-Anon is for the friends/family of them.
We learn constructive tools in the program so we can find a way to have peace and serenity in spite of what they are doing. We also learn more about the disease and how it progresses for one who doesn't find recovery. There is no cure and recovery is the best chance for an active alcoholic.
We don't give advice in either side of the program, but instead share ESH - Experience, Strength & Hope. In my experience, Alcoholics do lie for a million reasons. So do others. No matter the source, when I am discontent or frustrated with another person, I hold onto the knowledge that I have choices. I don't have to confront, argue, defend, justify, etc. What's the point and it will go nowhere but down.
I too encourage you to attend some meetings. F2F (face to face) meetings will give you local support and fellowship. Online meetings are awesome too. You are not alone and we do understand that living with this disease is a challenge greater than we can handle alone.
Keep coming back - (((Hugs))) to you!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
The old saying goes how do you know an A is lying? Their lips are moving. The disease has to find ways to survive. The twisting and turning that goes on inside an A's mind it's a relief to know I don't need to live there at all.
I learned that my XAH was incapable of being honest with himself so how can he be honest with anyone else? I was not special because he did not just lie to me. I did think well he's only lying to me .. that makes me special.
Mine chased windmills .. literally I called him Don Quixote, however I was not his Sancho Panza. OMGOSH I am still finding out about the lies.
What I did come to discover for me was that I knew when I needed to know and not before and it did help to ease the obsessiveness about was he lying or not lying. That's enough to make my head spin even now .. lol. So realizing that until he was able to be honest with himself (which he still can't be transparent), probably there is a 99.9% chance he's lying about something and it was not just the big stuff it was the little stuff too. STUPID stuff.
The other thing I learned was an A believes what I do not what I say .. as a codie I want to desperately believe what he says not what he does. So I had to learn to become the show me state. That means .. don't tell me .. show me. As I learned to do that and my behavior changed I heard out of his mouth blah blah blah and paid attention to what he showed me. I stopped telling him what I was going to do and started doing the dynamics of our relationship changed drastically.
Face to fact meeting, sponsorship, lit, slogans and learning about the disease of alcoholism was huge for me.
Big hugs, and keep coming back,
S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Wow SerenityRUS...reading your response makes me realize something huge! I have really been bothered lately about how my AH's words do not match his actions. " I love you so much and need you" (his words) comes home drunk, doesn't call or txt all day, falls asleep on the floor, laughs about forgetting things that he knows are important to me, (actions that to me do not show love) This is, in fact, a form of lying! Just a realization...this is a horrible disease :(
-- Edited by Fairlee on Saturday 5th of March 2016 03:47:17 PM
Something you are saying I guess my question to you is .. is he lying or are you a doormat?
I just challenge you to think about that statement after all you aren't a doormat so you can certainly get up off the floor. Do some program work with your sponsor and find out what that answer is for you. There is no need for drama, theatrics or threats towards the A .. it's just an honest question. And learning to manage expectations from a person who seriously hates himself.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
