The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been married for 20 years, however for the last year my husband and I have been separated. We have been living separately since last January. After 4 years of dealing with his alcoholism, I filed for divorce. He has not hit rock bottom, despite 3 detoxes, 2 inpatient rehabs, losing me and his daughters, and recently a DWI. In December he met a woman and moved in with her. He at the time had no job. He claims he loves her and she enables him to continue to drink. After his DWI, in car I was paying for and insuring, he asked me to postpone our divorce and we would try to work on things. I did as he asked, however he claims he has moved on though he will always care for me. Both of our daughters have told him either he gets sober and ditches the girlfriend or they want nothing to do with him. Why do I still cry for him? Why does he feel it is unfair for the girls to ask him for sobriety and to stop his relationship with his girlfriend?
It's the standard find a meeting and learn about the disease of alcoholism. Find a way out of your own pain and let him have the dignity to find the way out of his. I'm not going to say take him back or not .. however right now based upon your share he's not ok. Honestly neither are you, you are in such pain right now as evident from your share and I am so sorry that you hurt like this because it is a gut level, primal feeling of pain of the heart. I felt more stupid than I did anything else after all the kids and I went through.
You are trying to rationalize with someone who is not a rational person, especially while under the effects of the feel goods. My X had his girlfriend/s and I'm hear to say I really thought if I was just enough, he would choose me over them, even the booze. Reality is that he's no longer in control of his thought process it's the disease. You and your kids will never be enough for him to stop drinking. He's got to have that come to "Jesus" discussion with himself.
A's do one of 4 things - They get sober, they become instutionalized (either in jail or mental health facility), they continue to drink and die a slow death because they find a new enabler, or they die. If they do not get sober death is eminent as it is for all of us since we are only mere mortals. Will it be a fast death or will it be one wrought with guilt, fear, shame and self destructive behavior?
Asking at what point will they get sober? It's irrelevant because there is no one answer fits all, it is when the emotional pain outweighs the physical payoff of getting high and that bottom is simply different for every single person. Alcoholism is a cunning, baffling, powerful disease that lacks reason or logic because the one thing it wants to do is survive.
Hugs and keep coming back. DO find a meeting it will help you not feel so alone. You truly are not.
S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
All I can say is I am sorry to hear about your husband. I too have an AH and I also grew up in the disease with my father who was an alcoholic throughout my childhood. I had to give him the ultimatum that he either sober up and get help or he couldn't come to my wedding. My mom swears that that was the deciding factor of him finally seeking sobriety but one never knows what the A's bottom is. For your children's sake I do hope that your husband finds sobriety. I also hope you find some sort of serenity at this difficult time. Have you tried any face-to-face meetings? Prayers to you and your family.
I have tried meetings but I have absolutely no help and two busy teenagers. I am going to one-on-one counseling though, which does help. I have gone a week without texting him, he texted me today about taking care of the bank with the car he totaled I'm his DWI and I politely replied back that he would have to take care of it, that I was busy with issues at home.
I feel like the gf sees value in him that I don't and that bothers me too.
The girlfriend has NOT had to deal with the collateral damage you have so of course she sees a poor victim who's terrible wife didn't love him. Do NOT worry about that, believe you me she's going to get the picture REALLY fast and if she doesn't she has her own MULTIPLE issues to work through .. TRUST ME!! Been there done that and guess what the love of his life as he informed me dumped him and he wound up in the psych ward .. and guess who he called every single time he had something go wrong .. NOT the girlfriend .. it was me. He did move on from this woman and he married the next one. The whole time we were in process of getting divorced he was NEVER single. You know not my problem and not my issue .. observing it I realize I'm actually in a far better place emotionally and mentally at the moment in making far better choices. The man still can't think his way out of a paper bag on his own. He can't even do visitation by himself when he actually showed up.
Make the time for the meetings if you can they will save your life. This is horribly painful what you are going through and I put myself through so much more than I needed to. I am very glad to hear you are seeking therapy. I am very glad to hear you are staying busy. It's a very painful situation and seriously speaking it's like having your guts ripped out and reinserted ... this is a situation where time will take time.
Hugs :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
