The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
How do I know my husband has a drinking problem? I have become so confused. I don't even know what's normal anymore.
He drinks beer. Sometimes 3 a night, occasionally 10+ on weekdays. Weekends might be a case or more, depending on what's going on. Sometimes, though, there's a lull. He'll take it easy for a couple of weeks, maybe a month, with no major episodes.
He drinks to have fun. When he's happy, when he's mad. There's always a reason or an occasion. If drinking isn't involved, he's not interested.
Alcoholism is a cunning, baffling and powerful disease. It's the only disease that will tell you daily there is nothing wrong and it can be done in moderation at anytime and this is true for any addiction.
Alanon is really for you because when someone else's drinking becomes a problem for the non issue drinker then it's time to figure out why that is. I'm not saying he does or he doesn't .. it sounds like his drinking has definitely become an issue for you though.
Alanon is a far better way to get some coping skills and do a self evaluation vs beating yourself up and trying to figure someone else out. That obsessiveness is so self destructive. It's somewhere most of us if not all have been at some point. The magic measuring stick .. at what point is it a problem? If it's a problem for you .. it's an issue for you. What he does with it is up to him.
Alanon taught me: I can't control it, I didn't cause it and I can't cure it. It is a life long issue, and it just didn't happen over night it's a progressive issue that is a family disease.
Hugs and I hope you will keep coming back,
S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Thank you. My original post doesn't convey the absolute devastation I'm feeling and what I've been through. I want to be healthy, to have the perspective you write about. I think I'm afraid to get healthy... Because I know what that means for me and I know how hard it will be. I want him to stop the spiral, so I keep begging, pleading, bitching, anything, but I know the truth of it is that I can't control him. I only have me and my choices.
Big Hugs please find a meeting in your area because the thing that completely stunned me is I really thought I was different/special (ha ha .. of course I am .. ) just not in the ways I thought. The circumstances may be different however the feelings .. they are so the same. Goggle Alanon Speakers and see what comes up Mary Pearl is one that will give you a good giggle and possibly cry. It really puts things into perspective that my core issues are not so unique as I thought. You are not alone and you do not have to travel this road by yourself so many people have walked this line. Right this second you do not have to make a decision the only decision you need to make is an open mind that you want to get healthy. You absolutely do not have to make any life altering decisions in terms of staying or going out of a marriage. That is a very personal choice and you will get there when you get there. Get a clearer head and THEN reevaluate the next choices .. nothing has to be decided today .. just for today you have a choice to work on yourself.
Hugs again, S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
He drinks beer. Sometimes 3 a night, occasionally 10+ on weekdays. Weekends might be a case or more, depending on what's going on. Sometimes, though, there's a lull. He'll take it easy for a couple of weeks, maybe a month, with no major episodes.
He drinks to have fun. When he's happy, when he's mad. There's always a reason or an occasion. If drinking isn't involved, he's not interested.
It's not normal to drink this much, right?
That was justification enough for me and my alcoholic/addict was female...my wife. Drinking and using I found out is not normal at all as the chemicals are mind and mood altering and with constant use lead to insanity (which is where you are at now) and death.
I didn't know about alcoholism either until I did the investigation into my family of origin...both sides and when I found out there I stood too. Arrrrgh...crazy making. I hated her drinking and using and had no comment on my own which scared the hell out of her...go figure.
It is alcoholism if his drinking negatively affects you and the rest of the family and that makes you qualified to come visit us here and in the face to face rooms of the Al-Anon Family Groups. Come in and back and sit down and listen to the experiences of others and then follow thru with what we do. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
Just a couple of months back, I thought my life was over and that there is nothing I can do but to keep living with the pain and devastation. I didnt have anything to call my time, my job, my space, heck.. small things like my TV, my looking innocently at trees and birds, resting my exhausted body and so on. But I now have quite a bit of these. I had to take some hard decisions. Here, in my city, in a different country, we can force admit alcoholics to rehab (3 months course, but dependents take them out earlier sometimes). My A will be out next week. I now have some Al Anon tools to help me, but I have not directly used them (learnt them when was inside). Start using simple things like "one day at a time" " keeping the focus on yourself" and so on. Before that, you may have to take a decision to first create some distance.
I am now dealing with a different set of thoughts and anxieties as my A comes out next week. These include - how will he behave, how do i keep myself safe (he keeps talking about both of us dying at the same time will be good)
Please consider going to Face to face Al Anon meetings, use Al Anon material, teachings. It works!
Thank you so much for the replies. I was afraid to post, but you were all so welcoming and had such thoughtful words. I looked up al anon speakers and listened to several. I was indeed brought to tears and also laughter... So much of their stories do feel like my own. I found myself envying, however, the fact that they seem to be on the other side, while I have such a long long way to go. Posting has also motivated me to go to a meeting, and I'm now looking forward to it. Thank you!
IDEK - welcome to MIP - glad you found us and that you shared. Please keep us posted on how your meeting goes and keep coming back here.
You are not alone and we're just a post away!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hi sweetie. I read your post and almost cried. I just found out that after many, many years of seeing my husband drink that he is indeed an alcoholic. It is very shocking, isn't it...
Do you want to know how I actually found out? he went into the hospital for something serious and completely (I thought) unrelated... and then he went into withdrawal. Severe withdrawal. I still feel like a fool as I really didn't know it was so completely a part of his life.
I hope this isn't the situation with your husband. I suppose I fear for you as mine was so good at hiding it. I knew he liked to drink - sounds like your guy - but didn't know the extent of it by half.
I definitely feel and know the devastation and shock and loneliness you are likely going through. I have had a very hard time telling people I would normally lean on for support, because, honestly, I'm embarrassed.
I don't have much advice at this point because I am new to this too but I do think you are on the right path seeking help for YOU.
