I am just lost.   My anxiety is just out of control.   Trust is gone.   I am angry.   I was directed to this forum by my Husbands sobriety coach.   He has been out of inpatient about a month.  I could not go to the facility family discharge program because I couldn't get the time off work and they only offered it during the work week.  I also have a handicapped child that I need to be home for to get off the bus after school.   There are only two Alanon groups in my area and their meetings conflict with my schedule.  So I am relying on my pastor for guidance and he's been great but I am not getting what I need.   I have never worked any type of 12 steps and I don't know even where to start.

I have lived with alcoholism my whole life.  My father who drank himself into pancreatic cancer 20 some years ago I was in my 20's but I remember every sordid detail of his disease.   My first husband I divorced because I couldn't deal any longer with his drinking drugs and cheating.   Despite my warnings of the disease now my son is struggling and making the choice to follow in his father's footsteps.  My husband and I have been married for less than a year.  We've been together almost 5 though.  I cant say I didn't see this coming.  I am angry at myself for falling for his lies and denial that there was an issue.  I am angry at him because he knew what I went through and what I would not tolerate in my life and hid it so well despite claiming he loved me and would never hurt me.   The money it has cost with fines, bail, loss of car insurance and the beer is frustrating.  The betrayal I feel with the lies, denial, and cheating (on line only) just wont go away.  When he came home drunk from an AA meeting just after the new year, how he was able to drive without killing himself or someone else, or getting picked up again, is beyond me, I had enough.  It was either inpatient or get out. 

He went and completed the 21 day program while I shoveled snow, worked, took care of my children and untangled all the lies and legal issues.  When he first came home he was very humble and "grateful" he didn't lose everything "he had worked for" which was kind of infuriating because the time he spent hiding and denying it most of the household responsibilities fell on me.   He would drink on the way home from work and then pass out on the couch for the rest of the night so he was pretty much just a paycheck.  Not a good way to start a marriage.   When he came home I was scared, I didn't believe a word that came out of his mouth.   He tried to do outpatient but it was just too much for him with work and trying to do 90 and 90.   He did agree to taking the shots for a year though and has had his first one.    

He claims that he has been sober for 50 days, and hasn't slipped.  I am not so sure.   I see some of the signs.  My issue is I am still angry because I don't trust him, I am still doing everything because every night is an AA meeting.   He just got a sponsor so now its meetings with his sponsor on top of that.  I have to nag to get anything done around the house that is/was his responsibility.  I try to be supportive and ask questions about the meetings and the steps but he gets annoyed and tells me that it is his recovery and I have to stay out of it and accuses me of controlling his recovery. He still lies to me, and when I call him out on it, we argue.    He asks me to be patient, to trust him, and that as his wife I have to understand that sacrifices have to be made for the common goal...his sobriety.  Havent I sacrificed enough?  

So now I am looking for help.  It seems he gets all the support but I have nothing.   I don't know where to start with all of these.  Can someone please tell me where do I start?  I am tired of being mad.  I just want peace and not feel so lost and overwhelmed all the time.   I feel like I am constantly looking over my shoulder and looking for clues to his lies.  I am so spun up that I even bought a Breathalyzer and a gps tracking device.   Talk about hypervigilent.  I am out of control.