The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hello, I'm new here. I am so appreciative of the online option because I know I'd get the 3rd degree of questioning if I attempted to go to face-to-face meetings. My husband is very anti-counseling or anti-tell others about our problems. The short version is this is my second marriage. My first was to an alcoholic who was able to hide it well enough for 2 years of dating and a year of being engaged and once we were married, the monster inside came out. I left the marriage after 3.5 years. It was hard, but was the right decision for me because it was only a matter of time until his verbal abuse became physical.
I remarried 3 years ago to someone who I still say is the best person you could ever hope to know when he's sober. Unfortunately, he is very nasty and verbally abusive when intoxicated. He gets so angry and tears me down for reasons that are unknown to me because I've only ever treated him with love and respect. I guess he needs to blame someone for his crappy life. He had a horrible childhood - his mother was addicted to prescription pain pills and spent most of her life passed out on the couch. His dad was in jail for drugs for over 20 years. His dad is an alcoholic too. My husband has not ever dealt with or talked to a professional about the pain that he endured growing up and I feel strongly that those issues contribute to the nasty person he becomes when he drinks. I have forgiven him and given many chances and he knows that if he drinks again, I will call the police and have him removed from the house and I will file for divorce. Now he's a dry drunk, blaming me for controlling him and ruining his life, when the truth is that not only does he hold HIS future in his hands, he holds mine as well. Funny how they are so delusional in their thinking. My life right now consists of walking on eggshells, waiting to see if and when he will throw our future and marriage away.
I struggle between wanting to uphold my marriage vows, for better or worse, in sickness (this is a sickness, right?) and in health... and also knowing I have to do what my conscience will allow and I have to take care of myself. He knew from day one that I did not want to be with someone who drank so why did he hide it until after we were married like my first husband did? Am I that naive not to see it? I feel like an idiot, and like I've been tricked yet again. I don't have anyone to talk to and I feel so alone.
Hi Kris, and hello to the gorgeous black kitty in your picture too
I'm sorry you're feeling duped again by this horrible disease.
A-anon is all about us, recovering ourselves and finding ways to live happy and joyful lives regardless of whether our loved ones continue to drink or not drink. What we can't do is cure or manage/control someone else's drinking. Most of us find ultimatums don't work in the long term and resentful situations arise from them.
I'm glad that you recognise the importance of taking care of yourself. Attending al-anon meetings and working the al-anon program can help you develop great tools for doing just that as well as providing a chance to feel heard and supported. I hope you'll avail yourself of these things!!
Welcome aboard. It sounds like you are in the right place
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Hello Kris - glad you found us @ MIP and glad you decided to join and share. You are not alone and this disease is just so baffling and powerful.....it affects the drinker as well as those who love or live with the disease.
You husband sounds like mine - best man in the world until/unless. I am still in my marriage and it's working for me. However, if it weren't for the program of Al-Anon, I don't think I would be here, be sane and/or be able to see him in lieu of his disease.
So - first suggestion - find local meetings.....attend and see what you think. Keep in mind that the Anonymous applies to both AA and Al-Anon. so 'who you see there, what you hear there, needs to say there when you leave.' This is shared and held to utmost importance in every 12 Step recovery program. Many feel as you do - concerned about privacy. But that is the best place to find local support and understanding as most beyond those who have lived with or loved an alcoholic understand what it is like.
Please keep coming back here too....read around, scan things, ask questions - we're all just a post or so away!
Glad you joined us - thanks for sharing!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Welcome and I'm glad you have found us. There is a lot of wisdom amongst the folks here, I've found.
One thing I wanted to mention from my understanding. I too was concerned about the vow to stick together "in sickness and in health." Now I cannot know what would be best for your situation so I am not advocating any particular choice. This is more about alcoholism being a sickness. The model is to regard it as a sickness because who would choose to be impaired, unfunctioned, messed up, lying, belligerent, and endangering their health? There is an underlying genetic vulnerability which contributes to some people being alcoholics and other people escaping the problem. So in that sense they have a sickness that is beyond their rational control. However, what they choose to do in response to that sickness is within their control. Think of a person with epilepsy - they will get informed about their condition, investigate the possible medications, and follow the laws about whether they can drive or not. In my state I believe you cannot drive legally if you have had a seizure within a certain amount of time, maybe one year? Yet I had a friend who was not responsible about her condition. She hadn't had a seizure in many years, but then she decided she could control her seizures by mind power (kind of magical thinking that reminds me of an alcoholic), took the meds only rarely, started having seizures, refused to listen to others' reports on how she had endangered herself, and started driving even though she had been having seizures. She did not have control over her underlying condition, but she had control over whether she treated it responsibly or not. I think we'd be in agreement that if she proposed a road trip with her driving, it would be unwise to get in the car with her. And for someone who happened to be married to her, that would be a very concerning situation. To me her bad decisions are not sickness. The epilepsy is sickness. On top of that is a layer of terrible decisions. I vowed to stay with my husband through sickness. I did not vow to expose myself to the devastating consequences of his terrible decisions.
Those are just my thoughts - as the saying goes, take what you like and leave the rest.
