The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Self pity has been such a destructive, negative shortcoming for me. Feeling like the victim of my relationships has kept me guarded and defensive and it keeps people out of my life. Its fear based and its a choice for me. For example if someone is short or curt with me I can go into my old pattern of feeling like poor me, how dare they say that or treat me that way and ive made myself a victim and I have given my own power away to another person. Its all mine, my own fault, my own choice really. I am in charge of how I interpret anothers behaviour or words.
When in a good place with my recovery i find it easy to let things go. so, if someone is off with me I can use rational thoughts and not emotions to decide that its more about them. I dont have to take it personally. Its about the other person so why would I feel anything negative unless I wanted too. There are rewards in self pity.
Hi LC, Self pity, anger , and resentment were my "go to "responses to the world prior to alanon. It kept me believing I was perfect, always right and superior to others. If only they would change my life would be fine. I never thought that I should change
Enter alanon, a Sponsor, the Steps and the powerful slogan:" Examine your motives". What a surprise !!! I had many negative defects that kept me stuck and with the alanon tools such as the slogans, daily reading and prayer I could ask HP to lift them
I could not fix myself but by "being aware", I could stop practicing the defect as best as I could. Wonder of wonders, today I can live and let live with principles that I alone live by What a gift. Recovery is a process.
-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 3rd of March 2016 06:28:03 AM
Great post and great topic. I too often felt self-pity as a step in my processing before the program. I honestly arrived her thinking that if everyone else would change, all would be well in the world. I know now by working this program nobody else has to change anything about themselves - I only need to look at and work on me.
It took me a long while to realize that life is not fair. This applies to all - not just me (duh....I never considered broader than me/my home most of the time.) By working hard to change me and my heart, I no longer had to stew over what others were doing or not doing to understand my source of strength and love. Letting go of all MY defects truly helped me keep the focus on me and stop looking beyond me for both the blame and the solution.
I have been battling a hellish head-cold this week and it's been brutal. I know for me that when I am not feeling well physically, I can drift spiritually. I am so grateful that for once, I've actually taken it super easy and am just trying to feel better and heal my body. I value me enough today to be at peace with doing nothing but resting. I am a 'do-er' so sitting still is very, very hard for me...for the first time that I can recall in many years, I am not feeling sorry for myself - instead feeling as if my HP wants me to be still, heal and feel better.
If it weren't for all who came before me showing me over and over again how they found peace in their heart/mind, I honestly don't know where I would be. I have learned to listen deeply in meetings, but like so many other things, actions speak louder than words. I now also 'listen' for the action to take to fix my own stinking thinking and attitudes.
I don't like the me I used to be - I played the victim really well and always blamed the qualifiers in my life for my position in life. I now see that I was never a victim; I was a volunteer. I chose to put myself into situations that ended way differently than desired. So grateful I view my choices and my part and my path differently today.
Thank you El-Cee for a great topic and post. Thank you for reminding me to be grateful each moment of each day as I only have this one life!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
El-cee, I really like your post. I agree with much of it.
I would urge you to be wary of using it as a shield or way of avoiding genuinely looking at yourself - owning your words and your actions - by just saying "it isn't about me". For instance, you wrote:
"... I can use rational thoughts and not emotions to decide that its more about them. I dont have to take it personally. Its about the other person so why would I feel anything negative unless I wanted too." - This passage is a perfect example as to what I'm referring. If you used your thoughts to decide IF it is 'about them' or evaluated your own actions/work to see IF it is about the other person - that would be a far healthier way to conduct oneself.
Just some food for thought.
-- Edited by Jaclyn on Thursday 3rd of March 2016 09:22:46 AM
Its all mine, my own fault, my own choice really. I am in charge of how I interpret anothers behaviour or words.
I found the above quote very powerful and so true. When I found the courage to examine my own motives and the acceptance to own what I see. I began to recover by truly using program tools.
Judging another's actions, reading" my interpretations into another's intentions" is equally destructive. I need to be aware that I am responsible for all my feelings (examine what negative message I am telling myself) and not give my power to another as you suggest.
Jaclyn, I get what your saying, however, even if someone has a valid point to make about me, i never have to feel sorry for myself. Self pity is always a choice, always. I choose not to feed it.
I quite like constructive criticism. I can take it, in fact since alanon thats what Im all about self awareness. So I will take more knowledge about me with pleasure really. I am no longer fearful or ashamed of my shortcomings.
Depends on who says it though. Its like looking rationally and evaluating the source. So, if you were someone who talked good alanon, took a balanced approach then I would give weight to whatever point you were making. On the other hand if you were a sick thinker, like I was then your words wont mean too much to me because they will be based on your own distorted viewpoint or thinking.
For example, if your drunk partner tells you are an idiot or pathetic, you have two choices. Either you put that nonsense down to the disease and set boundaries if your strong enough or you cry and whine about it. If you cry and whine about it you have given power to the words of a sick distorted thinker. Is it wise really to even for a moment consider he/she might be right?
I am early (very early) in my recovery work and I really needed to hear this today. Thank you el-cee for your share. I will keep this in my mind and heart as I go through my day today and interact with those in my life.
It is difficult for me, not to let go because that feels like relief, but to not quickly snatch it back the moment the anxiety sets in. Detaching, not taking it personally, minding my own beeswax, when I have been so so involved all these years...is scary and anxiety-inducing. I like what IAH said about being still. This is the challenge my HP has placed before me. Be still. Know that HP has got this. Breathe. Focus on me. It really will be ok.
__________________
Kelly
"Go placidly amid the noise and haste and remember what peace there may be in silence...." Desiderata
It appears you missed my point - or are avoiding hearing it - and perhaps we will have to agree to disagree. Self awareness and responsibility for oneself and his own words/actions is not self pity. It is healthy and mature. For example: Someone says you've spoken out of turn and your words were harmful and disrespectful to them. You can either (a) hear the person and decide, using logic and self awareness, if what they are saying applies to you; or (b) completely avoid entertaining a message that may have some truth by hiding behind 'recovery'. In neither of those scenarios does self pity have to take part.
Jaclyn, your clearly addressing the reply I gave you in your other post here, kind of looking for an argument i think. I have replied to you on your post.
I think what Jaclyn is getting at is, no matter who directs criticism at us, we're selling ourselves short if we don't take at least a moment to examine it and see if there's any validity to it before discarding the nonsense- "take what you like and leave the rest" applied to drunken abuse even...I like it! lol.
But truly, even when drunk and being completely abusive, there were truths in what abf would say to me...and in some ways I wish I'd KNOWN how to take what I like and leave the rest because if I'd been able to listen impartially to him, I might have heard one of the important messages like "Why are you so obsessed with what I do?", or "why don't you get a life of your own?" because these were actually very good, valid points that he made for years and years before i got to al-anon and finally understood them. (Funny, he didn't much like it when I did though!! lol)
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Okay, well if that was jaclyns intention and motives then fine, i took it very differently. Thanks for your input.
This has got me thinking about the slogan, how important is it? Is it so important for me to be right all the time? No, thankfully im ok with being wrong these days. What is important to me and my life? This forums pretty important to me. There are old timers here who i would call a friend and are there if i need them. Yesterday, this powerful disease gave me a wee shake and reminded me its not done with me yet. So, arguments with people are the last thing i need really, on the grand scale of things, its just not important enough to take my serenity. Its like the whole self sabotage thing. My rebelious mind can get me into trouble. My fear that remains about this disease makes me offer way too much in the way of esh and the timing is wrong. People cant hear me because they are not ready or maybe im wrong about their situation. Anyway, have a good friday ladies, onwards and upwards.x
-- Edited by el-cee on Friday 4th of March 2016 02:50:37 AM
I had many negative defects that kept me stuck and with the alanon tools such as the slogans, daily reading and prayer I could ask HP to lift them