The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I need some guidance.....I am leaving my husband after 39 years and I feel guilty. I am 60 he is 65. He is an addict in every sense of the word and I have been a co-dependent all these years. I have finally gotten the nerve to tell him I want out. I am and have had counseling for the last 20 years and I have learned a lot. But I feel guilty because we have been together for so long. At our age, I kind of feel I should just stay in the marriage until I die. But I don't want to. Because of our finances I have to live in the apartment below him, we are connected by a stairway from the inside and it is just too close for comfort. He doesn't want our marriage over and says because of his age (older) he is stopping all of his addictions and is going to make his future better. I don't believe him and I don't trust him. I would rather be aloe for the rest of my life then settle for a life with him. I am so confused....I would love to hear from any and all of you! I also want to mention that because of all this I got addicted to pain pills partly because of him but of course mostly because of myself. I get counseling and have been on Suboxone for a year and a half. My husband has not been supportive at all. Because of the Suboxone he doesn't give me any credit for stopping the opiates...
-- Edited by Dawn1118 on Wednesday 2nd of March 2016 02:05:34 PM
Welcome Dawn I suggest that you search out alanon face to face meetings in your community and attend The hot line number is in the white pages. It is here that I broke the isolation caused by the disease and also developed new and different tools to live by . You are not alone and do deserve to be happy. There are many options available to you both .
Welcome Dawn. I'm so sorry to hear about all that you are going through. From your post, it sounds like you are firm in your decision to leave - which in my opinion, is step one. In my limited experience in Al Anon, it seems that so many of us struggle with whether to let go or try harder... I guess I would try and figure out what is stopping you from taking the next step in separating? It has to be a terrifying leap... I can relate in my own limited way, but recognize that you have been married longer than I have been alive! Additionally, congratulations on your recovery from opiates. Regardless of your husband dismissing it, that is a wonderful achievement for which you should be proud. Wishing all the best for you, no matter what you decide.
Hello Dawn - welcome to MIP....so glad you found us and glad that you found your courage to share. I applaud your courage to want a life away from the chaos/drama of the disease. Alcoholism is a progressive disease that is very powerful and painful. There is no cure but there is recovery. AA is for the alcoholic and Al-Anon is for family/friends affected by the disease.
We talk often of the three Cs - 1. We didn't cause it. 2. We can't cure it. 3. We can't control it. The guilt you feel may be real and it may be other feelings masked by the ever present drama/chaos that comes with the disease. As we live with active alcoholism, we can become just as sick as they are in how we act, react, think and expect. Al-Anon helps us look at ourselves, take care of ourselves, identify our contributions to the chaos and learn to be/act differently.
I am a double-winner (AA & Al-Anon) and have been completely free of all substances for 28 years. Because of you opiate addiction, you also qualify for the AA side of the house. I would encourage you to go to either or both and get a feel for 12 step recovery. I wish you well with your recovery and hope you continue working on you and growing in recovery.
Keep coming back - you are not alone!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
HI Dawn,
Like you I have been in a long-term marriage. Last year I moved away from my AH. It was the right decision for me. But I must say that Al-anon suggests that you do not make any major decisions until you have been in Al-anon for at least 6 months. Al-anon has amazing results when you get a sponsor, work the steps, go to meetings, read conference approved literature and most of all focus on yourself and not the addict. Before I left my main focus was on him and all the awful things he has done to me these last decades. If I had been attending Al-anon before I left, I might have been able to make a different decision. I might have been able to get out of the victim mode and focus on what makes me happy. Today my focus is me on most days, lol.. I am still a beginner.
Keep coming back and look for a face to face meeting in your area..
Sounds like a great arrangement. ...I wonder if you could be friends...you have been together or so long. There's no need to have any bad feelings toward each other. Just by living downstairs there are ways you don't have to be around him or his substance abuse. There would have to be strict boundaries. Since for now your finances are connected.
My XAH and I were still friends till he passed a way...we lived a short distance from each other. I had my life and he had his, but we still went to dinner occasionally and talked every few weeks. One of my boundaries were he had to be sober to talk with me or to go to dinner with me and I meant it.
I do suggest the Alanon program for using the tools and finding solutions for yourself. What works for one person might not work for the next person.
Keep coming back and look for a face to face Alanon meeting. It would be most helpful in your life. And don't listen to his negative talk about suboxone. You are doing great. Wouldn't hurt him to take suboxone also. Hugs, Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina2 on Thursday 3rd of March 2016 01:19:34 AM
-- Edited by Bettina2 on Thursday 3rd of March 2016 01:27:20 AM
I am new here as well and I, too, have relied on pain medication to help ease the mental pain caused by my husband. You sound strong and determined for the most part in what you want in your life. I hope we will both find support here to help us along our journeys.
Both of you can and will make the recovery strides you are looking for if you hand with the winners here and in the face to face programs of recovery. That is what worked for me after making two attempts at it. I am grateful that they left the door open for me and others. Addiction is a very very serious life threatening disease which cannot be cure an only arrested by total abstinence. I am glad you are here looking for what many of us have attained. The experienced suggestions of those who have responded are gold. What worked for me was to listen, learn and then practice practice practice what they had done before me. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
