Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

NOGGIN · Newbie

confused and lost

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome Noggin You are not alone. and there is hope. Alcoholism is a dreadful, irrational chronic, progressive disease over which we are powerless. You did not cause it, cannot control t and cannot cure it.

It is positive that he is willing to attempt detox and attend AA now for yourself. As the results of living with the disease we too require a program of recovery Alanon is that program and was developed by the founder of AA after he found sobriety. Living with the disease we develop many negative coping tools that do not work in the world .

Alanon hasd face to face meetings n most communities and the hot line number is in the white pages. Here I was able to let go of my irrational fear, and worry about others and learn to take care of myself in a healthy fashion Please keep coning back here as well --There is help

NOGGIN · Newbie

Thank you, its good to know I am not alone. I have great friends and family supporting me /us, I am lucky but no one understands the guilt and wondering if I am in some way responsible. ( if he gets dry after the detox away from me I guess that will be my answer.), the guilt of seeing my friends worry and suffer for me only for me to say I love him and want him back, the fear or the future for him if he choses to go it alone, for me alone and broken hearted mourning a man that doesnt exist anymore or for both of us should we try to make a go of things. I am only too aware that is is most likely that he will relapse , ( his dad literally has months to live, what happens then )i just cant see any positives at the moment
I have just found an Al anon meeting for Friday evening, Im not sure its for me but will give it a go thanks.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Please do give it a try. Your fears and concerns are the same as I had before finding the support and wisdom of the program--- Being powerless over alcoholism is a very important concept to grasp and accept.

This is a disease you are living with and no amount of care, words or actions can fix it. We need to find recovery for our own distorted thinking that has developed because of trying to force solutions--- Please do Try alanon

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Noggin.
Sorry for all that you are dealing with.
It's impossible to know what's going on inside your husband's head; in fact with a combination of antidepressants, excessive alcohol and grief I doubt even he knows what he really thinks and feels at the moment.
I do know that it's the most predictable thing in the world for an addict to blame the person closest for their problems and, those of us who find ourselves in al-anon tend to be the type of people who just naturally accept that blame and try to find a way to make it fit us.
Also, often addicts want to be away from the people they have let down the most because they don't currently possess the coping skills to deal with feelings of guilt or shame. Blaming it all on someone else and then running away isn't a particularly unusual "coping" mechanism for an addicted person. My A partner has done this many times over the years- blamed me for his alcoholism and misery and all of it and then run away insisting I am the root of all of his problems. I've come to believe that, in some way, he thinks I am strong enough to take his horrible feelings so that he doesn't have to have them and that's why I get the blame for everything that feels bad for him.

In al-anon we talk about the 3 C's- you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it...basically, you can't make someone drink (or not drink).

What you can do is take good care of you and release yourself from the blame and responsibility of someone else's addiction. That's what al-anon is all about; finding our own peace, joy and serenity no matter what the alcoholics we love (or anyone else) choose to do.

I hope you'll stick around, get to some meetings and find the support you deserve.

(((Noggin)))

Jill · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome Noggin. I'm glad you've found Miracles in Progress. Good for you for going to a face to face meeting Friday.
I was incredibly relieved to hear someone else's drinking was not my fault.

If it had been, I (and all the people affected by someone else's drinking) could then have the power to successfully stop someone else from drinking. That doesn't happen.

People who are addicted to substances typically blame the nearest person to deflect the responsibility from themselves. They may know what they are doing is disastrous but they don't think they can stop. Maybe they don't have the external support needed to stop. That is where their own recovery programs help. If they go through detox and recovery and if they can stop with this diligent recovery support, it does not mean the original cause of their addiction was anyone else's blame.

In meetings and reading you will slowly come to understand and deeply get the truth of this. For me, knowing this left me the assignment to focus on myself. It has been life-changing for the better. That always has been my job, but I had ignored it.

Stick around and read existing entries.

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello noggin and welcome to MIP! So glad you found us and glad you found your courage to share.

I too am sorry that you are where you are. Alcoholism is progressive and powerful and the journey to recovery is often long, hard and difficult. AA is for the alcoholic and Al-Anon is for family/friends of the alcoholic.

We support each other in recovering from the affects of the disease and while each of us has a different reason/journey, most have very similar emotions and drama/chaos. It is by focusing on us and taking care of ourselves that we learn more about who we are, how the disease works, and how it's affected us.

I am also one that advocates for you to go to a F2F (face to face) meeting. It may be scary, but you should find others who have been where you are and are working on a different way of thinking, feeling, living and reacting. Keep an open mind and an open heart and let us know how it goes.

So glad you joined us and you are not alone. Keep coming back - we're usually just a post away!

NOGGIN · Newbie

Thank you all for your words of support. Means so much. Am so very low right now but I know I am strong and will get back up one day

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Noggin from the other side of the planet...Glad you found this MIP family we are close and supportive of each other and are victims of the disease of alcoholism which is cunning powerful and baffling and can never be cured only arrested by total abstinence...that is a mouthful and can be depressing to read and I'm sorry as a news bringer and there is hope...lots of it...The Al-Anon Family Groups help a world of family members to get sane and well whether the alcoholic is drinking or not...stick around. You didn't cause his alcoholism, cannot control it or cure it and should not attempt a recovery on your own. WE are here for you...keep coming back. (((((hugs))))) smile

NOGGIN · Newbie

Thank you all for kind words
I went to a meeting nearby last Friday evening. I didnt really have to courage to speak up, but I listened, It seemed like the same story told by different faces. TBH I dont know if its for me but will try another meeting this week too,
I have tried to keep busy all week and friends have been great but dont really understand .M is still staying with a friend, blaming me and excluding me.I hear he started his 7 day detox today. Even though the last few months have been hell , its killing me not seeing him or just being there for him to give him a hug or encouragement in this. Am trying to stear clear . If he really does believe I caused this ( even if i didnt) then surely in his eyes its for the best if i don't contact him.Am still so very confused . I still love him deeply and just want him to come back so that we can fight this together. I want him to realise he has his own demons( drink/depression/dads illness) to fight and i am not one of them but i fear that will never happen. In my heart of hearts I think he wont come home as i wont allow drink in the house, and he thinks the sooner he does his detox and gets hiw own place away from the friend he is staying with who has also been very strict he is free to come and go and drink whatever he pleases with no one to answer to.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene