The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
If only I wasn't so passive he said. But what he didn't know is that when I wasn't, he didn't remember or picked a fight or threatened to leave.
If only I wasn't so enabling his family said. But they couldn't see was what my day to day life was with him because they were so far away; all the times I put up boundaries he choose to ignore and yet I stood strong
If only he could see me for what I have been to him. But what I can't understand is how his brain has been transformed by this disease. That the lies I hear are truths to him.
If only we could all understand each other's perspective. But I can only know my own no matter how hard I seek to understand.
(((Crau)))) It's a cunning and baffling disease. I'm glad you reached out to share here. The online Alanon meetings here can be helpful too. Alcoholism can leave us feeling lonely and isolated. Thankfully, others in Alanon understand and care. Keep coming back. TT
__________________
Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
((Crau))I have learned to let go of the "If onlys" and accept the reality of this painful disease. I can attempt to uncover my own disease and understand my motives. This enables me to stop my destructive actions and gain serenity and peace and even happiness.
Acceptance of life on life's terms is now the main principle that I live by.
((Crau)) - I believe that each of us here would have moved mountains to help our qualifier 'see' things as we did and 'be' normal....unfortunately, no amount of energy, love, persuasion, effort, planning, etc. can change the reality of the disease. Those 'if onlys' tend to keep me very stuck if I let them. The program, meetings, steps, fellowship, etc. helped me to truly understand how damaging and baffling the disease is to the diseased and those who love/live with them.
The 3 Cs come to my mind - You did not cause this, You can't control this, and You can't cure this. We here understand the effort you put in. We also understand how devastating it is when our best efforts make no difference at all or tend to make things worse at times. I often felt there was no win with this disease - if I spoke my mind, I was ignored or blamed and if I didn't say anything, they assumed silence was concurrence.
So, those who came before me convinced me that the best course was to work on me and let go of all things beyond my scope of control. It's not always an easy way, but it's sure way more peaceful and rewarding than how I was living before.
Take good care of you and know that you aren't alone! We're all just a post away!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks all...
its hard to know how to respond when the people closest to the addict including he addict himself are throwing "if onlys" out there.
If only you'd let go....
If only you weren't so enabling....
If only you weren't so passive...
while I know I didn't cause it...those statement are like pointing fingers at me...
I know i can't control it...yet this statements feel like others think I could have...
And I for sure know I can't cure it, but those statements were when referencing recovery and what's best for the addict so it feels a bit like they think if in out of the picture it will be "cured"
For me; writing it down and acknowledging the conflict I have with my own feelings in contrast to what others say to me..helps me to just let those if onlys belong to them and not me. Writing it down clears my head and settles the anxiety.
The art of dealing with people is complex. And adding alcoholism on top of it makes it almost impossible at times!
Realising that i only know my own perspective was a real aha moment for me, one of those really simple concepts that I still needed to learn at my ripe old age. It's a liberating realization because suddenly, you cease having any role in altering people's perspectives. There's no point trying, or thinking about it because, it can't be done! Instead, you get to focus on your own perspectives and needs. That's way more satisfying, You sound like you're on a really good track. Good on you!
I do understand by the way, the amount of things that would have been right in our relationship "if only" I had done/ not done x y or z (this is according to my A partner) is mind boggling. I sure did a lot wrong in his eyes. Half of it I must have done in my sleep because i sure don't remember it the way he does!!
-- Edited by missmeliss on Tuesday 1st of March 2016 11:17:29 PM
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Crau - there are a couple of different threads were we discuss safe responses.....I wouldn't even know how to search to find them, but some of my favorite are:
- I am sorry you feel that way.
- You may be right.
- Yes.
- No.
- Let me get back to you on that.
- I need time to process.
Like MissMel suggests above me, my qualifiers saw things way differently than I did. No amount of words or proof was ever going to change their perception as their perception is their reality. My sponsor often said and still says at times, "Would you rather be right or rather be happy." I try to go the path of the latter.
Many times, I use, "You may be right." knowing full well they are not. But, if it stops the drama and ends the tirades, it's worth it for my sanity.
Stay strong and keep the focus on you.....it will get better and you are not alone!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
