The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Apologies to those who feel this is repeating but I do have many questions on my mind as my A is coming out of rehab. Unfortunately, I'll probably keep coming back this next week as he is coming out of rehab on 11th or so. I'm doing really well with my limited Al Anon skills (no F 2 Fs here), online Al Anon chat meetings.
His Psychiatrist told me to keep him at my place under controlled conditions for about six months. Control means making sure he has his medicines, stomach is busy with food, and find him some work at a Puppy/Dog care place for about 3-4 hours day. She also advised me to teach the A's sister how to handle an alcoholic because sooner or later, it is likely he will go there if he does not get to do what he wants to do here.
He had sucked the life out of me and his sister when he started to slide down rapidly (drinking). That was 10 months to 3 months back, after which we put him in forced rehab.
I do not want him at my place if he goes active again for two reasons-
*All the horrible things that Alcohol brings. And, I had physical issues like anxiety, palpitations near stomach (the first time when I was in an interview for a job and thought it was my heart and i had to continue the interview). Other things I lost - probably one plush job earlier, my semi-professional sports career which meant everything to me.
*Feel a bit unsafe. Chances of him doing harm are 2-3%??? but I dont know. I dont know the alcoholic well enough even now. He was a wonderful, cheerful, nice little boy just 2-3 years back.
So, If I have a choice, is it fair to let him go to his sister's where he will do more terrible things to her family and make them suffer? Quite likely to slide towards severe liver issues (he's recovered about 3 times from Jaundice).
Hi Manas -- it is surprising that his psychiatrist has recommended that he stay with you and that you manage his life by finding him a job, overseeing his medications and taking care of him.
Alcoholism is a chronic, progressive, fatal disease that can be arrested and never cured. We, the family, are powerless over this disease as we didn't cause it, cannot control it and cannot cure it. Al-Anon as well as AA can not teach anyone how to handle an alcoholic. The alcoholic must learn how to handle his own life and we the family members must learn how to keep the focus on ourselves, take care of her own best interests, and allow the alcoholic to live their lives without interference.
Since we are so involved in trying to make people behave the way we want,we do need a program of recovery of our own. That is why attending Al-Anon face-to-face meetings is so important.
It's good to know that we have choices and we can always change our minds. I would look within and determine what was in my own best interests, and then make the decision. Keep coming back as this is a dreadful disease,
The psychiatrist is clear about letting him do his stuff for himself, but she says that I just need to help him, maybe in the very early stages after he is back. It is for this very reason that she wants him to be busy for at least a few hours a day.
Do you think it is alright to think about myself and allow him to live with his sister (a clear co-dependent, enabler) and let her suffer (in the near future)? Your opinion is highly appreciated.
I don't know the answer to your question. perhaps you need to talk to his sister and come up with a plan?
When my wife was released, she asked to be put on Antabuse, which makes one really sick whenever they ingest alcohol. I was told that I should make sure that she takes it. That lasted a little while, but within a couple of weeks, she stopped taking it in front of me, and kept assuring me that she had taken it when I would ask about it. Quickly showing me that I had no control over her. I look back at that and just realize that the nurse that told me I should be the one making sure she took meds had no real experience with the first step of AA or Al Anon.
When AW got out of rehab the second time, I had just enough Al Anon under my belt to realize that I had no control over what she does, only over what I do. So I could control my reactions to her, and I could realize what she had control over and not grouse and moan about it when she did something contrary to my wishes. About then I realized she was an adult and deserved the dignity of making her own choices, good or bad.
Also, when she got out of rehab the second time, the counselor had us make a relapse plan. What would we do if she relapsed? Even that is hard, because if they relapse, we have even less influence over them. but having the a plan, whether it is you hide in the basement until he is sober. or you immediately call the rehabd and ask that he be readmitted, was a good thing, and reduced anxiety considerably.
And don't worry about bugging us here. We've all been through similar things, we all stand together to keep any one of us from falling. Write as much or as little as you feel the want/need.
Why are the only two choices you or his sister? This is surprising to me.
Are there any halfway houses?
Both the choices suggested - you and his sister - sound as if he is being put back into the situation of having someone else manage his life and sobriety. I don't know of any situations where that has proven effective. It makes the A feel like a controlled child, and it puts the "manager" in an impossible situation.
Living with the sister sounds like problems just waiting to happen, to me. And likewise living with you.
Is anyone asking him how he wants to live? Is he on board with staying sober? If so, what kind of environment does he feel would be most helpful? If not, the situation is going to be full of chaos for everyone.
You'll make the choice that you feel is best for you. I can tell you that I have been where you are. My ex's therapist assigned my ex to me this way. I had no Alanon at the time. I felt very frightened being responsible for monitoring his meds etc. When my efforts failed (because he was addicted) I was blamed by his family for something that never should have been my responsibility in the first place. I experienced sleepless nights, chest pains during the day and had no skills for this sort of situation. The relapse I witnessed was petrifying and resulted in an emergency call, hospitalization and then rehab once again. If your A is leaving rehab, customarily he would be leaving with some recovery tools like an alcoholics anonymous list of where there are AA meetings, connection to a possible temporary sponsor and continue under medical care if that's warranted.
I hope you'll make a decision that puts your health and well-being first. We can't support them in loving and healthy ways if we end up ill ourselves. (((hugs))) TT
__________________
Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Hi Manas - I'm with TT - make a choice that works for you. Both of my sons went to rehab several times each and the last 4 times they were being discharged, I was absolutely certain my home was not going to work. I told the child and the counselor at the first session. When they saw that I said what I meant and meant what I said, they made other plans for discharge.
My boys have been in sober living, Oxford Homes, Halfway Homes and homeless. One is still active (after all those choices) and the other is sober currently. When I decided that I could no longer live with active disease in my home, it was hard but it was the right thing to do.
I was amazed at how well the staff worked with my boys once they knew I wasn't going to take them back. Do what is right for you! Sorry that you feel in the middle of this - his disease - his recovery. My best efforts at support come when I love mine from across the street!!! So sad, but so true....
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks Kenny, Mattie, Tired, Iamhere. Always some precious words here. I find ESH and much more here.
I keep some focus on me, trust HP totally, take it one day at a time and more, etc.
My A is still not serious about fighting against the disease. He says "I'll only drink wine". I told him not to talk about it. But I know he will fight, coax, convince, but I have Al Anon tools, but I'm a bit new to using the tools. In fact, I'll be using it for the first time (no F2Fs so far, no real Al Anon F2Fs here).
He does not trust AA too, but I told him that he needs to consider.
I plan to let him manage his life, but he is a semi-suicidal (under influence) type of a personality.
I've been told to slowly teach Al Anon to his remote-village sister (no Al Anon there too, AAs 5 hour drive).
It appears that I have three main options-
1) My place. Let him manage his life with slight nudges in the right direction.
2) Sister's place when he decides that he is not getting a chance to do his stuff here. She wants to look after him (but I'll arm her with some Al Anon tools on the phone)
3) Half way home is not yet a possibility. It is likely to happen if he slips again and is forced admitted.
He thinks there is one more option. He keeps talking about wanting to die (I dont think he is serious if he gets his drinks but evetually he used to drink a lot and try to die 10%-drama). He's faced childhood incest, exploitation, which I think was a trigger. And he misses his mom who died at age 2. As it usually happens, he doesnt want to deal with that pain with normal treatment (scared, ashamed etc), wants to drown it with his drinking.
We can certainly have compassion and empathy for the pain another suffers without justifying drinking. Alcoholics drink because they have a disease. This is a 3 fold disease that affects them physically, spiritually and emotionally Once the drinking stops *then the isms are still very present and must be addressed by recovery work.
Good Luck Keep coming back as you can recover. We have on line meetings here 2xs a day ant they are very beneficial. There are alos on ine AA meetings available
Why would the psychiatrist even think about releasing him anywhere if he is still talking about drinking wine? I can see self checkout, or no more insurance money, but at least the psych should realize that relapse is imminent when he leaves. is this because he told just you, and not the psych? perhaps a meeting together with the psych would be better.
I am with Kenny on this - why is there discussion of release if he's discussing drinking wine and suicide? Both of these are typical triggers for additional length of stay. I know I had to set a boundary that my home was a dry place - no alcohol, no substances, etc. And when my qualifier(s) could not follow the rules, they had to find another place to stay/live.
I will keep you all in my prayers and thoughts.
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks hotrod, Kenny, Iamhere. I agree. I hate to hear those words "drink a bit" etc again now. But I dont know what I can do to be safe, sane, and continue to be serene (as I have been mostly for the last few weeks).
Factors-
He has no place to stay when he is out (I dont feel totally safe)
The guilt - I always wanted to give him a good chance to try to improve by himself (forced admitted him into rehab). Forced admission again if he stays with me and slips is a possibility. The doctor feels that he needs a very strong dose of everyone abandoning him for him to improve.
If he goes to his sister, he will torture her as alcoholics usually do (he's done that before).
He is an adult, isn't he? Adults frequently live in their own places. Maybe, since he is starting from scratch, you can set him up with a place and pay the first couple months' rent. Not saying that this is what you should do, just thinking of options. I think the sad truth is that since he declares he's going to keep drinking, any living situation is going to go downhill. So your part of the equation would be protecting yourself from the fallout of his going downhill, and making sure not to protect him from the consequences. That is, to get out of the way of his fall. Because experiencing the consequences is the only thing that will lead him to recovery, if anything will. (And of course even that may well not.)
Yes I have experienced an newly sober person's violence --
Alcoholism is a three fold disease. It affects the person physically, emotionally and spiritually Once the drinking stops, the" isms" are still very much there( in the emotional and spiritual spaces) and must be addressed with a program of recovery.
Needing to protect yourself is not a question that I can answer-- I would ask his rehab counselor.
I'm doing really well with my limited Al Anon skills (no F 2 Fs here), online Al Anon chat meetings.