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Its been another hellish 5 days of alcoholic using. He came home from work Thursday night and went straight to the bar. He did not come into the house. I went to bed and woke up at 3 am. He was still not home but I had a good laugh. I thought for sure he would make the liquor store before 2 am, he needs his alcohol to get him through the early morning till the liquor store opened up again at 10 am. Sure enough he came home drunk at 3:30 am and woke me up. I sat and listened to his BS for an hour and went back to bed. I need my sleep. All day and night Friday he drank, and talked to himself. Saturday he sobered up enough to get some errands done around the house I needed him to do. I laughed as he done them so fast. He changed the lock to the basement for me so I could have my space there, and I could lock him out when I am in the basement. He even went and paid bills and began drinking afterwards. He drank and drank till Monday morning at 4:30 am. I came up stairs a few times to check on him and he was in a pathetic state. I just let him be. I had sanity in the basement and was able to just let it go, I was safe in the basement from his drinking. I guess, he eventually passed out-he had been without sleep. Monday morning at 10:30 am he woke up and saw and cleaned the absolute mess he made. I told him it was Monday and he better call work. He freaked. He could not believe he did not go to work. It was so sad, he started to cry, I can not loose my job. I can not loose my job. It was like watching a kid. He called work and gave them some kind of excuse as to why he did not call in earlier and he would be there tomorrow. The full impact of his drinking hit him. He said to me, why did you not tell me it was Sunday yesterday? I said how could I, you were drunk and it would not have mattered! He drank 4 beers and could tell he was an absolute mess. I could see it just by looking at him. Eventually, he got his things together and headed back up to camp to work. He called me and was near a breakdown. He said he is contemplating suicide. He says I can not take this anymore, I am having blackouts. I can not take this drinking anymore. I said he needs to call AA and get help. I said there is a 24 hour phone line and he needs to call them. I said I can not help him anymore. I was so detached I was so proud of myself for not getting sucked into his self pity crap. He can figure it out himself. Will he follow up, I do not believe so. He is old enough to get help for himself, and he needs to face the consequences of his drinking. I can not help anymore. He knows of AA and had used AA before, he knows what he needs to do. I just need to focus on myself and keep myself safe from his drinking. It was so peaceful in the basement. All I heard was him walking around upstairs, I mean stumble around, and I did not get to hear the crap! I love my basement suite where I can block him out and he can not go there as I have it so he needs a key to unlock the door! I have a safe place at last and I made the basement so cozy, its great! He is now back at work and will be back Thursday night! Till then I have to just focus on me! Get myself stronger! Thanks to this board for helping me!
Well done Joker. It sounds like you detached with love. You allowed him to fully feel the consequences of his own actions without judgement or rescuing. You took care of you and you also were compassionate by suggesting AA. Its such a sad disease and the whole sorry thing about it is that they seem to recover from this type of low and then convince themselves they were ill or there was another reason it got so bad and that of course they can drink. Its a thinking disease, although, this could and I hope it is be a bottom for him. My ex didnt reach his bottom until he lost everything and everyone unfortunately, although, a low bottom is better than no bottom. When my family learned about enabling and learned how to respond differently then he was left on his own to drink with no interference and he did for a while, then his job was at risk and one day he realised that not one member of his family was in his life. He had left himself with noone. Thats when he went to AA and he has got people back in his life. Not me though, not going down that road again ever but hes happier, healthier, hes got AA.
So glad you were able to find some peace in your cozy retreat! I know the craziness of those benders. The bumping around. My AH thinks he is a rock star when he drinks. He gets the guitar out and starts "trying" to play. I have learned as you have to just leave them to their own mess. I don't pick up after him, and I don't make excuses for him anymore. Good job on using your Al-Anon tools. You are doing great. I hope this is it for him. I hope he is ready for help, but you are already helping yourself.
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Bethany
"Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be." Abe Lincoln
I know how sad and pathetic he was on Sunday! Monday morning was a real wake up call for him, crying and saying oh my god its Monday, its 10:30 am and I am not at work! " I can not loose my job, oh my god, I can not loose my job, what am I going to do?" I said call into work and either tell them you were drunk and tell the truth (work knows about his alcoholism, as he told them and took time to address it- he did not, took a 3 day church service on deliverance and spiritual warfare and had to show that to his employer the certificate) or make some excuse up, to not get fired. He came up with an excuse! He says I hate to lie, and I laughed at myself, your a professional lair already, I am sure you can find a new lie. He found an excuse and was told he has to be at work tomorrow. He got his act together pretty fast and make the 5 hour drive to work.He called and was a complete mess, suicide, ect. he says he will be calling AA tonight after work and I said ok, but I do not expect him to follow through-his problem, I have a safe place now,the basementand the house that is sane and quite now! I am so grateful!
Joker, I'm glad you have a place to go. When you say "Safe" are you afraid he will hurt you?? My AH has a man cave and that's where he does all his drinking. I have a finished Floriday room where I have turned 1/2 of it into an art studio, and the other 1/2 is the living room. My AH hasn't had a black out that I know of, but he has to be Re-told things cause he was too drunk to remember. Plans and such. Reading your story sounds SO much like mine! I kind of chucked whe you talked about how he hurried up and did his chores so he could drink. mine does the same thing, and as he was doing them Saturday, I had noticed and thought how funny (not) it was. I don't know who they think they are fooling! If you read my earlier post, I said that one of out church leaders is preparing to talk to him. I hope it goes well. It has never gone 'outside" the house before A sign that things are getting worse I suppose. But, like the last 2 or 3 times, I will not hold out hope that he will stay sober, till I see it. He always goes back. I pray AA does your AH some good this time.
Joker, your situation reminds me somewhat of mine less than 2 years ago. My A had been blackout drunk and violent a couple of times. i'd told him no drinking in the house or he had to go. He'd agreed. Then gone back to drinking in the house as soon as he thought i'd "cooled off" enough. I felt secure in my ability to lock him out of my bedroom. He was super meek and quiet even for a few months when he did drink.
Until he kicked my locked door in one night in a drunken rage (because i wouldn't sleep with him when he was loaded) and hit me again.
That locked door, and the ease with which he kicked it down (it actually hit me very hard and caused a massive whole arm bruise as I was standing on the other side of it and caused me to fall and hit my head); that flimsy locked door became quite symbolic for me after. It reminds me that no matter what measures I try to take, I cannot be near his drinking and guarantee my safety.
I don't wish any of this on you, i just hope you can bring your focus back onto yourself and continue to seek a more permanent solution.
Hugs.
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
